It's for sure I'm gonna love you, all the way, all the way.
— Jimmy Van Heusen Heusen and Sammy Cahn, 1957
* * *
In the summer of ‘71, I, a high school freshman, fell madly in love with Steve McCauley. The entire summer, Steve would “drive" me to the beach on his Sting-Ray [bicycle] as he’d sing “All The Way" softly in my ear. I, contently saddled on the front end of the banana seat, smiled dreamingly as “my man" lovingly sang me “our song."
Quickly, summer faded into fall and, before I knew it, I was wearing my guy’s letter sweater as well as his high school ring. Everyone knew I was Steve’s girl and that we were “a couple." I was blissfully happy…
…until…
I saw him kiss another girl.
“How could you cheat on me? I trusted you !"
“You don’t understand, baby. Just let me ex—“
“I don’t need you to explain anything! We’re over!"
“Ju—“
“We are over, Steve, O-V-E-R!"
Steve finally ceased contacting me after many failed attempts to reach me by phone and numerous unanswered letters.
Eventually, my heart healed and I began to date again. I was popular and happily carefree yet, there were times I would still wonder why my first love had cheated on me. Two years later I found the answer in one of his letters that was stashed unopened in the deep ends of my desk:
Dear Judi,
I never meant to hurt you and am so sorry but I wish you’d let me explain. I know you will find this hard to believe but I really do love you. You are everything anyone could ever want in a woman but you are also very innocent. Judi, there are two kinds of girls in this world: the ones you marry and the ones you don’t. Judi, I want to marry you one day, but, since I know sex before marriage is not your way, the girl you saw me with is the kind of girl a guy would never marry. She means nothing to me. I wish you could understand that. I respect and love you so much and you have to believe that I don’t want to be with anyone else. Please don’t ignore me and please call me.
Love,
Stephen
I didn’t understand and cried all over again as if it just happened.
Interestingly, thirty plus years later, there are no longer “good girls" or “bad girls." The twenty first century has completely abolished dating and getting to know someone. These days, casual sex is really okay and is nothing to be ashamed of.
But wait. I thought when a guy had casual sex with a girl, she was considered “easy."
Not anymore apparently.
Mmm… let me think about this....
Apart from any religious convictions, methinks a lot is lost in this trend of “anything goes dating". Apart from “commitment phobia", imagination and anticipation are no longer a part of dating. Why did the honeymoon hafta end ?
As I rethink my past, if I had married everyone I was “in love with," my record of divorces would have far exceeded Elizabeth Taylor’s. Passionate by nature, I was always “in love" for all the wrong reasons:
Michel’s French accent was romantic; oh, how I loved to hear him talk ,
Billy was so cute in his softball uniform,
And Rob? H e played the keyboards better than any musician I had ever known .
… but was it love ? No. Infatuation, yes; love, no.
Dating and courting, these days, seemed to have taken an androgynous role: there is neither a male or female role .
Today, most women don’t expect chivalry and most men, in my opinion, are confused regarding their role. Dating, pure and simple, is “s-e-x".
Step back a few decades ago. Sure, there have always been steamy “make-out" sessions but there also was “the cut off." A “good girl" just didn’t “go all the way" regardless how frustrated she was and “a gentleman" knew the magic of “a cold shower"…
…and, there was plenty of sexual tension with intense anticipation.
Old fashioned? Who me? Nah, I’m a romantic who believes that the dating culture of today has lost its excitement and sense of romance. Girls, like it or not, we are different from men.
Okay, here’s my belief that will surely anger many women: It is my opinion that women screwed this whole process up and converted the anticipated honeymoon into “ a casual sex thing".
Viola! I said it… just don’t hurt me, girls… ouch!
Dignity and self-respect are important assets of womanhood and, if we would simply wait for the right man to come along, we would no longer feel so “used". There will always be unexpected disappointments in dating, but overall relationships can actually have a fighting chance for the long run. Choose wisely, girls, and hold yourself sacred until you do find that special someone. From one woman to another, you are worth it!
Judi Lynn Lake has kept up with leading edge business trends throughout her varied and successful career. She had already had her ‘15 minutes of fame’ over and over again before starting her family. Judi and her family now reside in South Carolina but, having been born and raised on Long Island, NY, it is clearly evident that she will always be a "New Yorker." Today, she successfully runs her own advertising agency which handles everything from logos, branding and package design while she continues to work closely with self-published authors from design to promotion.
» left by Teresa Ortiz(4,776) Teresa Ortiz (252 days 20 hours ago.)
Hi Ethel, Thanks for sharing.. I feel you. I was once dumped because I was "different" than the other girls. Even though it hurt, I was glad to be different. There are some girls who are still waiting for the right guy. For the girl who waits for the right guy, theu right guy is easy to spot, because he is waiting for the right girl. There is hope. If young teens only realized the pain they are bringing on themselves. Thanks again. Love, Lucy Respond to this comment
» left by Judi Lake(2,669) Judi Lake (251 days 6 hours ago.)
Hey Lucy! As someone who dated quite a lot before I married and also as a mother of a young girl, I strongly believe in self-respect and old fashioned moral standards. We live in a micro-wave society in which anything goes including dating where all boundaries have been removed and I do not believe it is in the best interest for either sex. Lust is easily confused for love and for the long term, there are many aspects within a relationship that binds two people. I also wonder why today many young female college students find nothing wrong with dancing in strip clubs to acquire quick money where in my day, we waitressed -- the morals in society have left us and everything that was once wrong is now right and visa versa. It's like religion: why don't people get it that God doesn't change; only we do. Anyway, blah, blah, blah... and... thanks for commenting! Respond to this comment
» left by sue thom from nj (251 days 20 hours ago.)
hi judi,
very nice pic.
great article, and well said.
my best regards,
sue Respond to this comment
» left by Hannah Quinn from Australia (251 days 13 hours ago.)
Judi,
I agree with part of your article, but not with some other parts. I think there can be a lot of pressure and expectation on young couples on their wedding night if they come to the marriage bed unaware of their own or each other's sexuality. I do think young people should wait for some ongoing level of commitment and not be to quick to jump in feet first - so to speak. Dignity and self-respect ARE vital, as you say. There are so many levels of 'life' though and if we emphasize that the only way to go is to wait until the wedding night, it can cause a variety of problems and even compound a lack of self-respect, especially for the woman. I think we often make decisions as a young person which we wouldn't make later but we have to live with them, and hopefully learn from them. There are so many risks to being free and easy, regardless of gender, disease and unwanted pregnancy being two major ones. With two boys and a girl, I encouraged them to think carefully about their decisions, to be aware of the consequences, to ensure that if they chose to go ahead that they did so really knowing the other person as well as they could to ensure safety and respect and, most of all, to make sure they could respect themselves afterwards. I taught them that self-respect was more important than what anyone else thought of them. If they didn't feel they would respect themselves, then the decision had to be no. We need to arm our children with ways of negotiating a variety of situations, and I worry that when they are given absolutes, it doesn't teach them about decision making or wise choices, or give them the ability to come to terms with mistakes - we all make them. Sorry to go on and on (I should probably write my own article - lol) but another thing I don't agree with is that there is a 'right' partner for each of us. That's another absolute which I have problems with. Sometimes we have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince (so to speak and to quote my daughter-in-law). Inexperience can also mean not being able to gauge if the about to be (hopefully) lifetime partner is right or not.
Great article in that it really makes you think! I like that. I'm also very glad that there is no longer the same degree of stigma regarding good girls and 'other' girls - even though it isn't totally equal yet among the sexes in terms of 'spreading their oats'.
» left by Judi Lake(2,669) Judi Lake (251 days 6 hours ago.)
Hannah, you make many good points. As parents, we have a responsibility to instill within our children a foundation of strong moral and ethical standards and, I guess, hope and pray for the best as they leave the nest. I do not agree with the sexual freedoms that are rampant today and although, as you say, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs" it has turned into a society where lust has truly become confused with love. Today, couples are sleeping with each other before knowing a thing about each other; to me, that is social masturbation. I, as a parent, will never allow my daughter to have boys sleep under our roof before she is married and won't budge even if, as Dylan once said, "times, they are a'changin'" - Not good enough. I'm easy on some issues, I suppose and on others, uncompromising. Thanks for your comments, Hannah Respond to this comment
» left by April Lorier (251 days 2 hours ago.)
Judi, I've never been prouder of you than I am right now. It's time to speak up FOR women and for what we, as a group, have allowed ourselves to become. "We teach people how to treat us" is true. I'm so grieved over what is presented on TV and in the movies as "accepted" these days. No wonder you and I love those black and white movies where women were alluring, but SOMETHING was left to our own imaginations. Girl, I could hug you 'til you passed out for this article. Laura has a GREAT example for femininity! Respond to this comment
» left by jcrn (243 days 15 hours ago.)
A doctor I know has revealed that she has seen an "epidemic" of guys in their 20s and 30s asking for Viagra prescriptions. Another doctor revealed the same info. I wouldn't go so far as to link premarital sex with guys needing to take Viagra (healthy, young guys with plenty of hormones going full tilt - or ones that should) but something is awry. When passion wanes at that age, I can't help wondering why. I admit that what keeps sex..well, sexy...and what makes passion fade isn't always easy to pinpoint but a certain amount of passion, intrigue and mystery can't hurt. That has always been my motto and, dear readers, he married me ;) Respond to this comment
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