It annoys me immensely when I see it written that people who get divorced have 'chosen the easy way out'. Easier that is than sticking with the marriage and trying to make it work.
Let me assure those of you fortunate not to have been divorced as yet, that there is nothing easy about it!
True there are degree's of difficulty depending on the vast array of individual circumstances, and things do get significantly messier when there are children involved, but there are some traits common to them all.
The main one, is the great sense of failure that comes from divorce.
When you admit defeat and decide to make the break, you feel the eyes of your family, friends and wider community on you. The less time you have been married and the greater expense of the wedding, the more likely it is that you will feel this sense of failure. But then if you have been married for 40yrs and divorce, then you will have that feeling of '40yrs of my life wasted'.
Either way, divorce is not an easy process and with it can come great self loathing and a fear that you are not capable of making sound judgments which can be a giant blow to your self esteem and confidence. After all you chose to marry this person right?
So this is just one of the side effects of divorce, a fear of being isolated from and judged by those you love, to a personal sense of loss. You grieve for the years you have lost in this failed relationship, the time and effort and commitment you poured into it.
Other fall-out effects of divorce might be that you lose a large chunk of family and friends, as your spouses family detach themselves from you, despite your close ties all those years. Your joint friends may pick sides with you getting the short straw. So at a time when you need your family and friends the most, you may find yourself more alone than ever. You do though find out who your true friends are at times like these.
Then there are the financial implications, the effects on your existing lifestyle, radical changes which have to be made to where you live, where you work or whether you work at all.
If you have children, you need to deal with their sense of loss, anger, upset and then practical issues like who they live with, access, visitation and much more besides. If your spouse is violent or a criminal or in other ways unsuitable parent material, you may need to restrict access.
I have barely touched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the fall out of divorce, but this is why next to the death of a loved one, divorce is considered to be the second most stressful experience anyone can go through. It can consequently have very damaging effects on your health and is not as some consider 'the easy way out!'. Far from it.
My advice for surving the fall out of divorce would be as follows:
Prepare in advance
If you know things are coming to a head, seek professional advice immediately. Do not delay. You don't have to initiate proceedings, but for the sake of your sanity, forewarned is forearmed. Do your homework. Find out your rights and entitlements in terms of finances and child issues. Squirrel some money away so that you can afford to access the help when the time comes, or move out or fund yourself when he/she moves out.
Widen your circle
You will need as many friends as you can get at this time, maybe for companionship, advice or to lend an ear. If you don't have many friends or interests outside of your marriage, find some! Join church groups, clubs and anything else that will help you to focus your mind on something positive in the difficult months ahead.
Find good representation
Ensure that you find an efficient and sensitive divorce lawyer/solicitor. It can really add to your stress if your legal aid is neither of these two things. They can delay things, lose you money and you become ill with stress and worry in the meantime.
Talk about it
Some people may find their Doctor or counseling helpful, but meanwhile talk to your friends and family. Try not to talk negatively about your spouse while your children are present or to his own family. Easier said than done in some situations I know, but if you get your anger and pain out of your system talking to your people, you may have run out of steam by the time you speak to his!
Mind your health
It is easy to let things slip in terms of your health when you have the immense stress of divorce and change on your mind. You may neglect to feed yourself and take care of yourself in other ways. Don't! You need your strength and cannot afford to be ill. Make eating, exercise and 'you time' a priority.
Try not to attack back
This divorce is going to be hard on both of you, regardless of who initiates it. Be aware that when people are hurting, they can lash out, behave out of character, go on the attack and try to make you as miserable as they consider that you are making them. This period of lashing out WILL pass. Try to reduce contact to 'essential contact' only when this period of anger and hurt is occurring. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into heated arguments, as that is the goal when they
are initiated. If on the phone, calmly advise them you are ending the call and will speak to them another time. If you need to meet in person, find neutral (preferably public) ground where things are less likely to ignite.
This period of anger will pass.
Recognize the stages of divorce
I would say based on my own experience that these are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Guilt
- Grief
- Acceptance
(Note, that the guilt can be quite enduring)
Allow yourself and your ex time to work through those stages mentioned above. You may not go through them at the same time, but while you can try to be sympathetic to the other while they pass through them try to distance yourself emotionally so that their pain does not become your pain.
Don't be emotionally blackmailed
You may hear all sorts while divorcing your spouse. Remember that it's your life and you have the right to be happy.
Never use your children as a weapon to hurt your ex
No matter how angry you become with your ex, if they are a decent parent, let them remain so. Don't use your children as bargaining chips or to punish your ex, it will hurt the children more than your ex in the long run. Everyone comes out of that game a loser.
This is my brief survival guide to Divorce, I hope you find it helpful.
Good luck.
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