If you are here reading this, chances are you spend a great deal of your time on your computer, with your cell phone, and in your car. There is nothing wrong with that. One has to make a living, connect with other human beings and find ways to entertain oneself. And what better way to do that than with technology.
But have you ever asked yourself why the more time you spend with your computer and cell phone the more problems you have with relationships in general but romantic or sexual relationships in particular. Ever wondered why?
You see, we human beings are like chameleons in that we naturally rework ourselves and "become" our environment. It's a primal survival instinct and a very effective one at that. Changing our "colour" to match our environment not only helps us function efficiently in that environment, it also helps us quickly become invisible to our predators. So if we spend most of our time with our computer, in our car or around machines, it's only natural that we imitate our environment. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. Computers, cell phones, cars, machines... are so great, amazing, wonderful -- hmmwa! can't do without technology.
And there is nothing wrong with reworking ourselves to perform our functions consistently, efficiently, and in a standardized way. The problem starts when we can not distinguish between our environment and who we are.
Thinking and operating like a machine -- if not checked -- takes over how we operate our lives and how we operate in relationships.
Mechanistic mindsets not only operate with each other like machines, they operate each other like machines. It's therefore no surprise that a "good" relationship is one in which the operator is in control and can operate the machine (relationship) to serve his or her objectives-- consistently, efficiently, and in a standardized way. A well managed relationship is also one in which the operator controls and manages the other person so that the other person is doing what he or she is being told and performing consistently, efficiently, and to standard.
Here is where things start to fall apart. In an effort to maintain (an illusion of) control and invulnerability the mechanistic mindset becomes preoccupied with what might go wrong. The preoccupation with what's wrong and what might go wrong becomes the modus operandi of all the mechanistic mindset's relationships. The other person begins to feel like they are not performing consistently, efficiently, and to standard. In other words, they are malfunctioning. As little attention is given to what is working well -- if it ain't broke don't fix it -- the relationship quickly deteriorates and comes to an abrupt and sometimes painful end.
Now you have a broken machine. And when a machine breaks down it is perfectly appropriate to feel that you should fix it. The first thing that comes to mind is a "fix" or "repair" kit (a.k.a. Fix /repair a broken relationship books). When that doesn't work, you hire a Fix-It Expert (Dr. Phil type) to fix the other person and fix the relationship. After a few attempts, the Fix-It Expert tells you that the other person can't reboot, the relationship accelerator and brake systems aren't functioning, and the battery is dead beyond repair.
This is when reality hits home -- for a few. The majority just don't get it. As far as they are concerned the problem is with the other person -- malfunctioning machine. So they throw away that relationship and start shopping for another person to operate like a machine-- someone they think is an improved model or one that is in-fashion.
Approaching each other in a machine-like way gets us into trouble. You can't manage human beings like machines because human beings constantly change, grow and evolve -- and have real emotions and feelings. And unlike machines, human beings are distinctive (no one is the same as the other), dynamic and sometimes very unpredictable.
And like human beings, relationships are not static and everything changes so fast with a roller coaster effect -- many ups and downs, as well as twists and turns. It's a process of ongoing change and discovery along the way.
So for a relationship to work there has to be a willingness to change, a sense of spontaneity, creativity and flexibility, and a sense of reciprocity and even a kind of vulnerability -- all the things that make us human beings capable of relationships with feelings and emotions.
These are things that can't be fixed. They have to be mindfully cultivated, modified and improved through the choices that we make moment to moment, and day to day.
Many suffering relationships would be salvageable with just a change in mindset.
Many men and women have come to me saying, "I didn't realize the damage that was being done to the relationship until it was too late. Under these circumstances, is it still possible to make this relationship work?"
And my reply has always been: That depends on whether you are trying to "fix" an old damaged broken-down relationship or trying to create a new and better one with the same person."
You're more likely to get a positive outcome if you give up the idea of trying to fix an old relationship and instead create a NEW (and better) relationship -- with an "OLD" lover, boy/girlfriend, partner or spouse.
But you can't just go to someone and say, “I want us to have a fresh start", he or she may think, “Yeah right, it is still the old you. Nothing has changed!" Your man or woman needs more than just the hope of a relationship with you; he or she needs to believe -- in one way or another - that a different, better relationship is possible.
Once you get out of a mechanistic mind-set, you will be surprised to discover that creating a relationship and maintaining one is not rocket science when you treat others like human beings and relationships like an ongoing discovery.
But until then, it's dissatisfaction, disappointed and pain -- over and over.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge!
Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
