Chances are that you, like me, have someone or something showing up in your life that falls into the category of "incredibly annoying" or "incredibly frustrating."
Understandably, typical reactions to these unwelcome people and situations are negative: we complain to friends, then hope for a way to move on as quickly as possible. Common cliches in the English language advise a rather stoic approach as we do so: "Put up and shut up," "grin and bear it," "ride it out," and (more serenely) "go with the flow."
Yet there is much that might be gained from a very different approach: one that is curious, constructive, and downright welcoming. What would happen if we assumed that the incidents and people who cause friction in our lives come bearing useful messages -- messages with information on how to change our lives for the better? What would it take to really "get" the message?
The first step in this turnabout, I would suggest, is to just-observe -- a verb that I've hyphenated here to emphasize that observing, and only observing, gets one's full attention before any other type of action takes place. In science, the process of just-observing forms the basis of all knowledge and new thought; how unfortunate that the same skill is so rarely used in the everyday challenge of running our lives.
To just-observe is a process guided by curiosity, and especially a wide-open curiosity that is both neutral (non-judgmental) and thorough.
For example, let's suppose that you're running a business, and that a particularly difficult and hard-to-satisfy customer is taking up a disproportionate share of your time and energy. In short, this customer is incredibly annoying and frustrating!
Just-observing might reveal a great deal: perhaps this customer often claims you've promised more than you did, or routinely wants you to "bend" your rules, or has unreasonable expectations of your services, or tends to ask for changes in an order after it has been placed. Careful observation of exactly how you interact with this customer and exactly when and where the relationship goes awry can reveal much about YOU and how you operate. The situation is, after all, a two-way street.
The next step is to ask two essential questions. First: "Once this situation appeared, what could I have done to handle it better?" Thus with the difficult customer, the answer might have been to ask for an agreement in writing, or to firmly decline a request to bend the rules. (It's the difficult customers of the world who really test the strength of our procedures and boundaries, not the pleasant ones!)
The second question can be even more powerful because it speaks not to one individual situation, but to others like it that could come up down the road. That question is: "What could I have done differently that would have prevented this situation in the first place?"
The assumption here is that the difficult customer is unlikely to be unique, and that similar customers are bound to cross your path eventually. By using this particular unpleasant situation to help redefine your customer relation standards and create successful operating procedures, you've shifted your approach from "grin and bear it" to "get the message."
A similar approach might well apply to just about any frustration, setback, or nuisance that comes along. If you have a chronic backache: what's the change-your-life message for your self care? If your spouse annoys you every evening: what's the change-your-life message for your relationship?
In other words, many of life's nuisances may prove to be messengers, bringing useful information with your name on it. And it's worth considering: until you truly "get" the message, is the universe likely to send you the same darned message over and over again?
RUTH ANDERSON is a Personal Coach and Job Transition Consultant who helps people redesign their lives around what they do best and care about most. She invites you to visit at www.vantagepointcoaching.com and to join her reading group, Outside the Box (an ezine community that reads great books together).
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» left by Sandra E. Graham(2,091) Sandra E. Graham from Paragould, Arkansas, USA (148 days 17 hours ago.)
Great article; some very good ideas, Ruth. I hope Mr. Keith reads your article, maybe he won't have so many "Mrs. Munsons" ruining his work day.
Just kidding, Mr. Keith.
Good article. Keep up the good work.
SEG Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,391) James P Krehbiel (148 days 9 hours ago.)
Ruth,
Great article. As Alan Watts has said, "Staying open to the truth wherever it may be found" is liberating and powerful. Thank you for reminding me to listen and learn. Respond to this comment
» left by Teresa Ortiz(5,740) Teresa Ortiz (147 days 18 hours ago.)
Hi Ruth. This is a great article! Good job on sharing this information. We need the reminder. Most us respond to situations like this with "What's their problem?" Instead of "They must be having a bad day" and have compassion on them. Or as you say, we don't think that they were put in our path to teach us a little something. I get the message loud and clear :-) Thanks again, keep sharing! Blessings to you, Teresa Respond to this comment
» left by Ruth Anderson(12) Ruth Anderson (147 days 17 hours ago.)
Thank you so much for your comment on my article. And thank you, too, for mentioning "compassion" for those who might be having a bad day. I once read a piece of advice that's stayed with me: a reminder that just about anyone you meet has a great challenge or struggle or sadness in some aspect of their lives. I find that remembering this helps me to be more understanding and open-minded toward people who I might otherwise view negatively. Respond to this comment
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