Love's In the Air, and so are proposals. But now that you've been asked the question, marry me? How do you know what's the right choice for you? Here's some clues about the reasons people get married. There is always a motive for marriage proposals, good or bad, neg or pos. It's what gives you a reason to think about your answer to them. The reason they give you, to marry them. It's the whopper of all questions. Convincing you to say I do. But how can you know, if you aren't clear on the motive?
One fact we all know to be true, divorce ratings are obscenely high, and there are reasons for that. People have a tendency to rush into marriage without foreseeing disaster. Here's a list of motives and intentions for getting married, that could lead to potential disasters, all due to the fact that intention for the proposal is wayward.
Getting married is the easy part, getting out of one is painful and difficult.
How do you know if he is sincere?
How do you know if that person is the right one for you?
You don't.
You won't know unless you try. Some people have gotten married for the following reasons and lived perfectly content lives. While others, well, weren't so lucky.
Saying yes to a proposal is something that's usually expected upon the question being popped, or ordered as the case may be, but, currently, it's becoming acceptable to say no, or let's take it slow. In this day and age we are becoming more educated, we are writing up prenuptial agreements, we are checking out our potential mates with expectations. We are also busy with careers, and are careful with good reason. Alot of us have grown up in broken homes, have divorced parents, and don't want to make the same mistakes..
So why are divorce rates soo high?
It boils down to experience, and motive.
Why did they propose?
What is their reason to want to marry you?
Ok, they say they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you.
Is that enough?
No! Of course not. You need to see the big picture.
What is their intention?
What is yours?
Where are you going?
Where are they going?
And most importantly, ‘Are you going in the same direction?'
Do you fit into any of those?
Do you think it's the right reason to get married?
Have you considered the consequences?
Here ya go.. lets' explore this shall we? And you can decide for yourself.
Easy Marriage.
Marry me because it's easy this way.
Love isn't always a two sided street, and people fall into the comfort trap in so many relationships. If you marry because it's comfortable at the time, that doesn't mean that you are and will get your needs met, and be able or want to meet theirs. That is like marriage of convenience, and that could lead to failure. It might be wise to evaluate the reasons you are with them, and see where you and your partner could go from the wedding day.
Marry because you feel stuck.
They have been dating for years, they don't want to be alone, they even consider marriage because they feel stuck together. Their relationship is stuck in a rut and they are too afraid to make a break, so they try marriage to shake it up. Sometimes that works, sometimes it just digs you in deeper.
Marry to avoid being lonely.
You are comfortable with the fact that you have someone in your life, and you fear living alone.
Marry to keep you.
You can admit the relationship doesn't bring all that you would desire, but you don't want to lose them by saying no. They don't want to lose you, so they pop the question. It might be time to explore the reasons for getting married to them, that has to do with why you are a couple and why you are good for each other.
Marry for lust.
You and he both have noting in common and share no interests, other than sex.. chances are, you are in lust. And sex changes after years of marriage and then what will you have?
It might be wise to get to know them, outside the bedroom, you might be surprised at what you have in common.
Marry for convenience.
Marrying someone out of convenience, financial security, they are the only one who's ever asked, you've been together forever and it would just be easier if you tied the knott, instead of just dating for the rest of your life. Making sure that you are right for each other, that you are both happy, that you are both getting what you need and want from the relationship. Desiring and being capable of meeting each others needs really matters and should be considered.
Marry for sake of being married.
Marrying someone for the sake of getting married. Chances are you could make a mistake. Some people get married because they don't think they can get through life alone, and they just want to be married.. Thats common with people in their 30s, close to hitting 40 and haven't been married yet, or are divorced. They feel time slipping away, and know they don't want to live out their life alone. That's fine to look for a mate, as long as it's what you both want. Make sure you are considering each others feelings when you decided to tie the knott. Getting married just for the sake of being married, doesn't mean you picked the right person for you. Always be careful with your choices, you both want to be happy, and not land in an unhappy ending.
Marry because of insecurity.
Getting married because you are afraid no one will ever ask you but him.. if he would ask you, so would someone else. It isn't fair to him to marry him just because you think no one would ever ask you again, and it's not fair to you to accept a proposal because you are insecure. If you love each other, respect each other, can honestly say you care about each other, rely on each other, and your insecurity is a case of cold feet, thats' different. You'll get over it, and regret it if you say no. At one point in time or another we are all insecure, but dealing with that, and being strong in yourself before you get married is actually a healthy thing for you, or you could fall deeper into a wall of depression that will take you from the outside world. People get lost sometimes when they get married, they become isolated from their family, friends, the life they had. Standing on your own two feet, knowing who you are and loving yourself first, comes first. How can you take care of someone else, when you haven't begun to take care of yourself. It's fun to stand on your own, you'll be all the wiser for it, and have more to bring into a marriage, like a strong independent you.
Marry of expectance.
Marrying someone because the family expects you two to get on with your life, and stop living in sin. Nope, it has to be your idea and what you both want.
Marry the egocentric.
Yikes. The egocentric if he/she is treating you like the help while you're dating, do you honestly think getting a marriage title will make it easier? Do you want an equal in your marriage? Or do you want to live your life serving someone and wearing yourself thin, and not get a thanks for it. Will the kids be looked after, or will that be another task for you alone? Be very careful marrying someone who treats you like their servant, not their one true love.
Marry the addict.
If they are addicted to gambling, drugs or alcohol, (not a recovering, but a in the midst of addiction) know that getting married is no magic wand that will fix things. Things won't magically fall into place and you'll live happily ever after. If they are a drug user, or alcoholic, than the only thing that will change is that they will be complaining about the cranky wife at home, not the girlfriend when they are sucking it down at the club. You can't change them, you can't make them better, you can't help them. They have to clean themself up, and mixing your life further with them will affect you. Addicts hurt the entire family, and that's a bad situation that should be avoided. If they want to prove themselves worthy to you, then let them be dry for at least five years before you'll think about it. If you think about it.
Marry the bully.
Marrying someone because you are afraid of their reaction if you said no-anyone you are afraid of, you shouldn't marry. Marrying someone because they threatened physical violence on you, or onto themselves if you said no. That's scary to begin with and that person needs help, and you need a restraining order.
Marry too young.
Marrying someone before you gain life experience, sort out your career goals and education, often times leads to regret, if you both don't consider the other's needs and work it in.
Lost in the Romance of a Wedding.
Planning a wedding sounds romantic, and you think you will live happily ever after. Fairytales aren't real, and life is messy, and it's hard, and complicated when you have to take care of someone else besides you. Yes have a romantic wedding, every couple deserves one, but examine the motives and keep your head out of the clouds. Marriage is for life, and divorce is rough and difficult, and can be avoided, if you both are honest about why you want to get married, and keep the fantasy wedding as an after fact.
Marry because of baby.
Marrying someone just because you had a baby together. Plenty of kids get mixed up in divorce and it's hard. When you consider the proposal, treat it the same as if you didn't have a child. It's your life choice, and bringing a child into a marriage will NOT fix things, and it will NOT make it work. A child is not capable of making you two get along, or make a happy life. You need to decide if it's right for you-for you. Having the child live with both parents can be damaging to the child, if you both don't love each other whole heartedly, and teh little one grows up in an unhappy home.
Marry after cheating.
If you have been cheated on, and have been hurt by your lover, marriage won't stop that from happening again, and it won't take away the hurt and resentment.. no matter what they say. Mistakes happen, but cheating is an intention with disrespect to you and your love. Take care when considering a proposal from a cheating lover. It can get worse in time, and like they say: They hurt you the first time it's their fault, they hurt you the second time, it's your fault. Not that it's your fault, but it's time to learn from your mistakes. Some people do marry after cheating, and some marriages make it. But there's a high percentage that don't.
Marry a stranger.
You never really know a person until you live with them. In dating rituals people are usually on their best behavior. Making sure you know them first, looking past their physical appearance is prudent. Looks fade with age, but the quirks grow more pronounced. Are you sure you can live with it?
You have to live them for them for the rest of your life, and you will never change them. That's taking away what makes them unique. Long term engagements have a 80% chance of a successful marriage than a rushed into marriage.
Rule of thumb, they say watch the way your man treats his mother, and that's how you can expect to be treated. Same goes with a girl and her father. If you can live with that, and like the way they treat their parent, then chances are you got a keeper.
Getting married because they offered you an ultimatum.
Marry me, or we're through. Using excuses like, you're getting old and you should be having kids by now, we are at the age to get married so we're doing it now. (even though you are in your 20s.) Your lover's insecurities are overshadowing your life, and if you let it happen, chances are you will never have freedom of your own mind ever again.
Take care with a proposal that sounds more like an ultimatum, when in doubt, step back and take all the time you need to make up your mind. For as long as you're single, no one has the right to take that away from you, guard it with your life, because once you sign that paper, you are in a legally binding contract that binds you with him. You will always be the wife, or ex wife, and if you have kids, you will be connected to him until the day you die, so make sure if he is pressuring you into marriage and you don't really want to.. then don't. If you need backup then get it, from friends, family, have an intervention. It's far easier to fight it off now, then it is in a divorce court, or a home that feels like a trapped married jail that you can't escape from. Sometimes talking it out helps, even with your partner. Maybe you aren't ready, and they are and you feel pressured. You can say no when you're not ready, and if they love you, they will respect that and wait for you.
Pitty Proposals.
Marrying someone because you feel sorry for them. If they have been sick, injured and play on your sympathy. Don't fall for it, only marry someone you love, and respect and want to spend every waking moment with for the rest of your life. Pitty Marriages often break down with resentment and hatred, from both sides. Re-evaluate the motive and look for the good, but if you can't find any, then take it slow, and wait for them to be strong in themself again, and see if they still feel like getting married to you...
Marry the controller, possessor, and jealous type.
Marry someone who doesn't respect you. It will get worse once you become the WIFE. If you are feeling pressured, into marriage, and you are aware they have a controlling person, who is jealous, and and doesn't let you do much on your own. Perhaps a time out would be appropriate. If they want you to consider their proposal, if they gave you one, it might be more of an order, tell them you want time alone to decide, and you'll call them when you're ready. Take all the time you need.
If you want to move out on your own, stand on your own two feet, take care of yourself, see what life has to offer in fun without an eye looking over your shoulder why not try that first. You might just surprise yourself. You might actually like making your decisions, paying your own bills, choosing what furniture you like, getting a cat, having the girls over for a special dinner. Having freedom to do as you like without a controlling person dictacting your every move. Sometimes proving to them you can make it on your own helps them to respect you, and see how you've grown, and it can strenghten a relationship.. or you could outgrow it. Either way when you are single it's not selfish to take care of you first. You are supposed to, it's your job to chose wisely what you want for your life, especially if you want kids. You are creating a life to welcome them into, that is stable and happy, and that's what lifes all about, being happy.
Marry someone who already treats you like their property.
You will become caged, and lose yourself living someone else's life. Think very carefully. Jealousy, possession, and control have nothing to do with love, and will get worse if they think they own you through marriage.
Marry the dream crusher.
Marry someone who laughs at your life dreams and dismisses your ambitions.. and tells you that it would never happen, you are just a dreamer, your goals are a waste of time, a waste of money, how can you raise a family if you are travelling, you could get killed or worse if you do travel, it's too dangerous, it would take too long for you to be successful and that's not suitable for them, you will fail anyway.
That is insecurity, and total selfishness. That attitude won't go away and your dreams really won't happen if you say I Do.. SO think very carefully, remember if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. If they make you feel bad now for wanting your dreams, then you have to make a choice, it's him and his life and his dreams, and all about him, or you'll be quietly getting through life doing what you need to, to survive. If you can't get it together at the beginning, in respecting each other and your life goals, it won't get better. Perhaps working it out and compromising could work. It really depends on the level of their insecurity towards you wanting a career in the direction that's not going their way. It's your freedom, and they can't take it unless you let them, and you can't get it back in the same condition as it was when it left. SO take care of it, because freedom without a divorcee on the end of your name just feels better.
Maybe a time out is needed, if they can't take the compromising on your career goals seriously, or you get a strong vibe they are agreeing with you to shut you up, and will never let you follow your dreams after marriage. Maybe after they get you pregnant and then make lame excuses that it's not fair to the kids. Then by the time the kids are older they'll tell you that you are too old and your dreams were kids stuff. It can be a never ending nightmare, and if you knew that now, what you will wish you would have known, would you still have married him? Or would you have wished that you would have waited, stood up for yourself, and said no, this is my freedom, you don't have a right to it unless I say so, and I want to explore my options before I marry anyone. And actually got the chance to say I made, or I didn't make it, but atleast I tried. And you can't blame anyone but yourself, and that's the best feeling, to.
Marry the co-dependant. (Another way to control you.)
Marry someone who tries to make you think you can't look after yourself, and tries to get you to constantly lean on them. Take time away, stand on your own feet… prove yourself to yourself. Co-dependant marriages usually end up in a bitter divorce battle, and long term silent suffering. And the kids end up in years of therapy. Getting out on your own when you are young and single is the best medicine, you will figure out who you are, and what you want, so much easier, and so will they.
Marry out of insecurity to your career.
Marry someone because they are afraid to lose you to your career.
Getting married due to a job promotion, or an acceptance into the school you wanted to attend all of your life. That is an insecurity that they have to deal with, and if they do lose you, they should be happy that you are following your dream. You have one life to live, you love, you laugh, and the only one you have to blame for your mistakes is you. You are important, you are the only one in control of your decisions, your life matters, and your dreams, God willing, will come true if you believe in yourself, and expect no less of everyone in your life.
Marry someone who is trying to take you away from your family.
People on the outside can see things more clearly than people on the in. If you are being rushed into eloping, with the intention to keep you from your family, take a break. Step back and spend time apart, so that you can clear your mind. Consider the consequences, and shut out everyone's voices, except your own.
You are the one who is going in for a life commitment, are you sure this person who is rushing you, not respecting your family, is really right for you?
When the chips are down, will they treat you in the same way?
Are they trying to play on your sympathy to get your attention and loyalty?
Do they really want whats' best for you.. or are they insecure fearing to lose you?
If you feel that none of the reasons above for getting married apply to you, and your lover, then hang onto him hunny, he's a keeper. If you are getting married because you love and respect each other. Support each others dreams, ambitions, and want the same thing out of life. That's wonderful.
But if you have doubts, I'll tell you the same thing I say in all my articles. Talk to your partner, your girls, your mom, make notes of what you want out of life, what you expect of him, your relationship. Ask him to do the same. And compare notes. You might be surprised by what you find out. It might just make you want to jump in his arms and marry him on the spot.
As in life, all life choices should be your own. Choose wisely, and without fear. Trust your heart, and deep inside you know what's right for you.
Good luck to you both.
Sacreeta
