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Much has been written about the changing roles of mothers in our society, and in particular about the need for a healthy "balance" between mothering and other pursuits. But for at-home moms, I would argue, there is a much more basic issue that is largely overlooked: self-esteem.
My story is probably similar to those of many women in my generation. I always assumed that I would have a "career," and indeed I did work after college, first as an editor and then as an environmental scientist. In fact, I worked up until the day before my first child was born.
The abrupt transition from career woman to motherhood was disorienting, exhilarating, exhausting, and downright revolutionary. One day I was hauling myself up the stairs to my office, and about 48 hours later I was at home, trying to figure out how to care for an infant who woke up every few hours and seemed to think I would know what to do.
Several years went by before I came out of the new-mother daze enough to begin grappling with the biggest change in my transition from office to home: my changed sense of self-esteem. How was I to redefine myself, given that I had given up both my paycheck and a comfortable answer to that inevitable social question: "So what do you do?"
Not that I didn't like being a mom… on the contrary, I thoroughly loved my kids and threw myself into the role. I wanted to be creative about it, and I read very helpful books about the different stages and challenges of parenting. I went to parenting groups, and started one of my own. I became friends with other women who were smart and equally dedicated to being great moms.
The problem came with the "disconnect" between this new role and a sense of self-esteem. I can't tell you how tired I am of the linguistic confusion and personal pain that arises from the labels "working mom" vs. "at-home mom." When people talk about women in terms of whether or not they "work," they imply (inadvertently?) that being an at-home mom means you "don't work."
More recently, there has been modest improvement in both the language used and the expressed appreciation of what at-home moms do. Instead of asking, "Do you work?" people say, "Do you work outside the home?" And an oft-cited report on the web by Salary.com calculated that, in 2007, an at-home mom would have earned $138,095 in wages if compensated for all of her responsibilities.
Nevertheless, the perception remains that at-home parenting is a relatively simple lifestyle in which women do what "just comes naturally" and are taking "time off." The idea that mothers might improve their skills by reading parenting books or getting other information and support, beyond baby's first tumultuous year, is likewise seen as a reflection of free time rather than dedication. And the notion that at-home moms might see themselves as full-time workers, striving to become better at parenting in a complex world, doesn't even cross people's minds.
Yet the full time parent's job description, if we were to write one, would fill well over an 8-hour day and require many strengths, among them creative problem-solving, extraordinary patience, and an ability to learn and adapt as kids move through very different developmental stages.
Included in the job description, of course, are endless routine items on the "to-do list," including many that may not be obvious to others: medical appointments and sick-day care; home and car maintenance; help with schoolwork and after-school activities; holiday, birthday, and vacation planning; forms and paperwork; and a host of other details related to coordinating and scheduling the life of the family.
But there is much more: dedicated at-home parents seek to create lots of "quality time," meaning the kinds of projects, conversations, outings, and family traditions that encourage character development and high-quality learning. Acting as at-home teachers and mentors, full time parents encourage kids to do everything from reading, science, and nature hikes to art, visits with relatives, and charity projects. Often, they model community involvement by doing volunteer work, or model active life styles by turning off the TV and getting everyone outside.
Yet through all of this extraordinarily worthwhile investment in the future of our kids, many at-home parents struggle internally with their feelings of self-esteem, wondering whether what they do is appreciated or "worthwhile."
It's time for a paradigm shift. Let's all wake up to the realities of modern-day parenting and give it the status it deserves. For those who choose parenting full time (whether women or men), let's recognize this choice as a truly challenging, important career whose pay is NOT nonexistent, but is equal to half of the income generated by the other parent. Together, the parent who works in the home and the parent who works outside the home form a professional team.
And for those moms who choose to (or need to) work outside the home, parenting is much more than an after-hours past time. It is, in fact, a second job, deserving of both recognition and the kind of professional benefits that will help them to succeed, such as paid family leave and low-cost childcare.
This Mother's Day, let's express great appreciation for all moms, including those who have chosen motherhood as a full time job. The truth is, parenting in the 21st century has challenges that our parents and grandparents never even imagined, and the efforts of our dedicated at-home parents are more important than ever.
Ruth Anderson is a part-time Personal Coach and Job Transition Consultant, and a full-time mother of three. She invites you to visit at www.vantagepointcoaching.com and to join "Outside the Box," an ezine community that reads great books together.
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