I went to see my son at college last week and since it is finally getting warmer outside, the kids were shedding their heavy garb for more summery clothes. One thing that I just shook my head at is the fact that at least 75% of the students I saw were wearing those infernal, nasty looking flip flops on their feet.
Now those chunks of rubber were invented to help prevent people from passing on foot diseases in community shower settings such as the armed forces and schools. They were never intended to be official street garb but somehow everyone in the country is going around with those things stuck between their toes and thinks its attractive footwear.
I imagine part of my angst with those things is that I grew up in a day and age when young people worried about how they looked. Never in a million years back then would anyone be seen walking around town with $5.00 thong shoes made out of recycled tires.
I watched our recent high school's Grand Prom March and was shocked to see at least a half dozen young ladies wearing $400 dresses walking around with worn out flip flops on their naked feet. I don't have a daughter but if she told me she was wearing flip flops to the prom, I would cut three holes in a fifty-pound potato sack and tell her now she has a dress that matches her footwear.
I don't know why restaurants allow people in with those things on their feet. It clearly says no shoes no service and I proclaim resoundingly that flip flops are not shoes. In fact, a person walking into an eatery with those ugly things on their feet is flopping airborne particulates of toe jamb all through the dining area and that should be considered a health hazard. Toe jamb causes cancer in laboratory rats you know.
Of course it isn't only younger people who have failed to understand the rudimentary couth of covering one's feet. You see people of all ages under fifty walking all over town with that disgusting "suck splapt" sound every time they take a step.
Maybe that would help stem the tide of this epidemic of podiatary ignorance. If a person had to go into a show store and ask the clerk which aisle "suck splapts" were in maybe they would be ashamed to ask and would go and buy a pair of gym shoes or God forbid, a pair of actual dress shoes.
Take a look at when flip flops or rather "suck splapts" came into vogue as everyday attire and you will see it correlates with the beginning of the downfall of this great country. "Suck splapts" are made of rubber. Rubber is a petroleum based product. It makes sense then to correlate that the production of these nasty rubber shoes in such monstrous numbers is the root cause of oil going so high on the market.
If everyone went back to good old fashioned leather soled shoes, we would have more and cheaper gasoline plus fewer cows creating a hole in the ozone layer with their flatulence.
It is time we outlawed flip flops. Or at least changed the name to get the proper sound those disgusting things make when someone walks in them. Suck splapt, suck splapt, suck splapt.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
» left by Kimberly(562) Kimberly (157 days 21 hours ago.)
You can start a new campaign, "Friends don't let friends wear suck splapts!"
Funny article, although PETA might not be amused. Take care Kimberly Respond to this comment
» left by Mike Fak(3,595) Mike Fak (157 days 16 hours ago.)
Thanks Kimberly. Just say No to suck splapts. Mike
» left by sue thom from nj (157 days 21 hours ago.)
hi mike, i can't wear them, they hurt between the toes! good observation, and great sound affects, and of course, a well written article,
best regards,
sue
» left by Mike Fak(3,595) Mike Fak (157 days 16 hours ago.)
Yep Sue. In the future you will find these kids suffering from split toe disease also known as STD from wearing them all the time. Thanks Mike
» left by Shan-ul-Hai(177) Shan-ul-Hai (157 days 13 hours ago.)
Ha... I love flip-flops. I was born in Pakistan, and they're actually normal street attire there (not just a small fad like what we're seeing now). It just feels so free and easy... I'd wear them to work if I could. Respond to this comment
» left by Mike Fak(3,595) Mike Fak (156 days 18 hours ago.)
Thanks Shan. Yes you are correct about flip flops in the East and Far East. I'm sure one of the reasons is no one over there makes a good gym shoe. Thanks for reading. Mike
» left by Rebekah from Northants UK (157 days 4 hours ago.)
You know I was actually wearing suck splapts while reading your article, and i found it very amusing. however mine are not made from plastic, they are made from part leather and part wood and part, hmm.. I'm not quiet sure. and rthey have very pretty flowers on them.
I wear them for two reasons
1 because they are cool! And part of the whole surfer image I like to go for
2 because I don't need to use my hands to put them on and so with a 3 weeks old baby in my arms, it is nice to be able to pop them on quickly and get out and about while she is still happy and awake.
HOwever I do see your point and found your article very interesting!! Respond to this comment
» left by Mike Fak(3,595) Mike Fak (156 days 18 hours ago.)
Thanks Rebecca. You do have an automatic dispensation when you have a baby. In fact moms should be able to do whatever they want. Mike
» left by Elizabeth from Delaware (156 days 22 hours ago.)
Mike, You are so funny and make some good points, however I would be honored to enlighten you. I live on the beach, not near it, ON it! These suck splapts are the only reason the dunes are not in my kitchen! I pay a ridiculous amount of money to live here, so I have earned the right to go to the corner market in my "flops". I also pay an insane amount of money for a pedicure, which is really my only splurge in life, and a cheap massage!
I have always disliked the noise, so after several attempts, I have perfected a more precise toe/arch combo motion that results in a slight "CLICK". It is quite nearly an Olympic sport! This click is less annoying that the one that comes with my 4 inch heels.
My favorite "flops" actually are covered in natural grass, tiny flowers and have a 3inch wedge heel, which elongates the leg as a bonus! No florescent pink plastic or old tires here! I did not wear them to my graduation and certainly wouldn't wear them to a formal dinner. I was as disturbed as the next guy, when those high school girls met the President in them a few years ago.
On the topic of hygiene; isn't the primary cause of "toe jamb", in fact sock-lint and perspiration? ....caused by wearing your "Little House on the Prarie" brogan style, smelly leather shoes?
and I may be wrong, but I think Jesus wore flip flops ; )
» left by Mike Fak(3,595) Mike Fak (156 days 18 hours ago.)
Thanks Elizabeth. I assumed I would receive several chastisements over this article. In a couple years I intend to change my socks and I will let you know if your notion about socks and shoes is correct. Mike
» left by Laura (156 days 22 hours ago.)
Mike, I hate flip flops as well, but I have to admit that I like it that my daughters want to wear them all the time, because all of the clothes, hair cuts, and other junk they want cost rediculous amounts of money, so whenever they accuse me of not caring if they are in style or not, I throw up to them that I buy them all the fassionable footwear that they want, since they are only $2 at this one store that I won't admit to ever having shopped at.
» left by Aiden from Texas (156 days 10 hours ago.)
Mike, I couldn't disagree with you more. I love flip flops for a number of reasons, and the biggest one is that wearing close shoes makes my feet sweat after just 5 minutes. It's uncomfortable to say the least, not to mention the odor your shoes and feet give out after being cooped up in shoes all day long. Yuck! I'm lucky to work from home, so I very rarely have to wear those hideous things called shoes.
Like Elizabeth said above, sweat is the main ingredient of "toe jam." Wearing flip flops your feet for the most part don't sweat; and if they did, the sweat would immediately evaporate, not creating any unpleasant odor or toe jam. So if everyone would wear flip flops all day, there wouldn't be any problem with toe jam to begin with.
To me flip flops look cool. At least 75% of college kids agree with me, and I dare say more than 50% of the general population does. Flip flop haters are definitely in the minority. So, lighten up and leave us flip flop fans alone :)
» left by Mike Fak(3,595) Mike Fak (155 days 18 hours ago.)
Thanks for your comments Aiden. I use this column to have fun and poke at everyone and everything including myself. It was flip flops turn and judging from the private e-mails I might be in the minority but a lot of people think those things are just awful. This is always just for fun and I hope you feel better getting your say in the matter. It is appreciated. Mike
» left by Dianne Lehmann(2,580) Dianne Lehmann (155 days 21 hours ago.)
Hi Mike, I enjoyed this article the first time around and the second, too. I've found the comments to be fun. I agree with you about flip flops, but I do wear them around the house. It is just too easy to slip them on before going outside. One note, I don't think the cause of toe jam is quite what people think it is. During the winter, I always wear shoes and socks indoors as well as out. In the warmer months, I mostly go barefooted in the house and wear open toed shoes and sandals out of doors. I have just as much toe jam in the warmer months as in the cooler. Maybe my counterpart in a parallel universe has less because she is shipping all of hers to me. Sock fuzz aside, will we ever really know where toe jam comes from?
Dianne
» left by Mike Fak(3,595) Mike Fak (155 days 18 hours ago.)
Hi Dianne. Maybe we should start a third political party called the flip floppers...or do we already have two of those already. Both political parties by the way blame toe jam on the other. Thanks Mike
» left by Jeff Brown(5,353) Jeff Brown (153 days 16 hours ago.)
Mike, Wow! You're one, cranky, un-hip, up-tight old dude . . . who I happen to agree with whole heartedly. But I must say it's probably not the fact that people wear them, but that so many do. But I must confess that . . . I'm . . . errr . . . not helping any. I own a pair. As a matter of fact, just bought a new pair for the summer season. Sorry. I'll return them tonight. But I'm gonna get a few "suck splats" in before I do . . .
» left by Julian Price(32) (118 days 20 hours ago.)
A highly enjoyable and entertaining read! I actually wear "flip flops" around the house but they are not particularly comfortable. For me they are just a quick mode of transport across a clean carpet but I can't wait to get them off!
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