On Being A Non-Custodial Mom

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Comments on this article:

» left by Olga from Albany, NY (1 year 171 days ago.)

I am so glad to see this letter on Mother's Day. Although my 3 sons are almost grown (21, 18 and 14), 2 in college, it is still a challenge to survive this holiday, especially when my first born calls from school and says "Happy Mother's Day", and that dad had called and told him to call the step mom, so since he was calling her, he might as well call me too...And nominally I have joint custody with my ex. So glad to find a voice like yours.
Thank you.
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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (1 year 169 days ago.)
Olga, Aww, I know your pain and the challenges that come with "joint custody with an ex." I'm glad that you found my article. Feel free to email me if you need support. I know of a great group of women facing the same challenges that I could connect you to, if you're interested. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. And you're welcome.
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» left by Laura Trahan ^(39,330)
Laura Trahan (1 year 169 days ago.)

Barbara-Great article that I am sure will help a lot of people! I have known some moms who did not have custody and I have seen the effects on the mom. Thanks for being willing to share your trials and successes!
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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (1 year 169 days ago.)
Laura, Thank you so much for stopping by and for your encouragement. I appreciate it very much. Barbara
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» left by Teresa Ortiz ^(11,377)
Teresa Ortiz (1 year 169 days ago.)

Hi Barbara, thanks for your willingness to share your heartbreak and sucess. As a mom who has been blessed to have my chidren with me, I can't relate to some of the pain you described, but I can say that I still live with regrets of what I should have said, done, not said etc.. and you make a great point. We need to move on and not beat ourselves up, because if we continue to "punish" ourselves we end up self-obsorbed and are no good to our children. Thank you again and I'm praying that you will be able to help many women who are in the same situation as you. Your example as an overcomer is sure to be a great encouragement to other mom's whether custodial or non custodial. Blessings to you! Teresa

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (1 year 128 days ago.)
Teresa, Your encouragement is an inspiration to me. Thank you. Warmly, Barbara
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» left by Brenda from Morton, IL (1 year 111 days ago.)
I am a non-custodial Mom who is struggling financially due to paying 32% child support, half of the medical bills that insurance doesn't cover on my children's father's insurance plan, half of all school registration and supplies and some clothes throughout the year. I've just filed bankruptcy also. I work a full-time job but onlyl make NET.......$1490 per month. My children's father makes NET $2400 per month. The only way for me to survive is due to my parent's financial help each month. I have to borrow between 100-200 dollars a month to just get by. I haven't had a haircut since December and buy my clothes (2-3 times a year) at the second-hand store or hand-me-downs from friends. I cannot go on like this. I am also a victim of Parent Alienation from my x-husband. I never bad-mouth my x to my children - NOT EVER. ANd they know I am a good mother and person. But this had led to a horrible depression. I wish I had a great lawyer who would help me pro-bono to get my children back. Looking for a group of women friends who can support me, and maybe I can learn from them. The one, large, non-custodial mom's website is difficult to get around in and it seems I can never be "accepted" to view others' postings. ??? Help please. Brenda

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (1 year 111 days ago.)
Brenda, I feel and know your pain. Please email me--go to my blog link, scroll down to my profile (on right side) and then click on email. Warmly, Barbara

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» left by (1 year 99 days ago.)

 I too know what it is like to not wake up every morning and have your childrens rooms empty. Its heartbreaking. I have found so many sites with women who are horribly judgemental about this situation. Lets be honest, there is not a mother in the world would give up her children for no reason at all and be happy about it. I was a teen mother and I wanted them to have a life of happiness, safety, and not see the terrible things that go with a single mother who has no education, living on welfare. They are happy teenagers now and as much as it hurt me, it benefited them. I would give my life for them and any mother who has been through or is going through this knows that I/she made the right choice. No matter how much we suffer for it. I take the pain so my children dont have to. Anyone who doesnt understand that does not know the true meaning of mother. So I understand the pain, and yes it really doesn't go away. But surely when they grow up they will appreciate that I couldnt provide them with the best life so I gave it to them another way.

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (1 year 65 days ago.)

Marcie, My heart goes out to you and I understand what you mean. Time is on our side as one day our children will understand. Warmly, Barbara
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» left by Michelle Mackin ^(3,279)
Michelle Mackin (1 year 39 days ago.)

HI Barbara!

 

I don't think that the world has any right to judge you for being a non-custodial mom. If the children needed their dad at this point it was very loving of you to let them go. I know it must have been hard. I let my youngest when he decided to live with his dad go. It was only two weeks before he came back home, but it was one of the hardest things I did.

 

God bless you always

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (1 year 38 days ago.)

Michelle, Thank you for your kind words. Some people do judge but I'm now in a better place in that I don't let it bother me anymore. In the earlier years of my situation, I was in a different place and it affected me deeply. Now I hope to serve as a support for other women who are going through a similar situation. Once again, thanks for your support. Warmly, Barbara
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» left by Lynn from Nebraska (1 year 18 days ago.)

This is very helpful...I have my 16 yr old daughter living with me and up until 3 months ago my 15 yr old son lived with me...He was defiant and wanted to live with dad, my attorney said not worth a custody fight, we were both OK parents, judge take kids into consideration, I didn't want to put my son through the drama of a bitter custody fight, but now I am incredibly depressed ..I am questioning not fighting my ex, I find myself very angry at my son-feeling betrayed and rejected. I live in the same town and still see him, talk to him, go to his games, but I get looks from other moms at the football games when they find out he lives with dad...like what did you do??? What is wrong with you??? My ex does mess with me on visitation at times and I am very depressed about things right now.

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (1 year 18 days ago.)

Lynn, Thank you for commenting here. While it may sometimes feel very difficult to look at the positive here, I strongly recommend that you remember how much love you have for your children, irregardless of how others react, including your son. Love him, love your daughter and even more importantly, love yourself. When you take care of you, you will notice a shift in how others' opinions, perceptions, looks, etc. won't matter to you anymore. Over time, your children will know and remember how their mom loved them unconditionally--no matter where they lived. Sometimes loving yourself means that you need to find others who can understand and support you while you're going through this. Support can come from many people, including a professional counselor, therapist, etc.  If you would like information on joining a listserve support group of other non-custodial moms, please email me and I'll send you the information. Again, I appreciate your comments and wish you peace as you go through this time in your life. Warmly, Barbara
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» left by Diane from South Africa (266 days 15 hours ago.)

I am so glad I came across this. I thought I was alone! I thought I was doing my 2 children a favour (I'm still convinced of it) by leaving them in their fathers care, but I never expected the horrified looks I got when I tell people my children live with their father. I miss my children terribly. Does that pain go away?

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (265 days 20 hours ago.)

Diane, You are not alone! There are many of us out here for sure. Some of us chose the situation we are in (consciously, that is), while others didn't: they lost in court battles, for example.

Regardless of how you got into this role, the pain of missing your children is deep. There is nothing like a mother's love, so yes, it hurts to miss our children so. I can only speak for myself, but I know that the pain of missing my kids never totally goes away--I miss them terribly. But I also know that I have a choice: a choice to be happy with what happened that led to this situation. After all, I cannot go back and "re-do" it.

It can sometimes be difficult if children ask questions about why you're not with them. It may not be appropriate to answer, depending upon their age, the circumstances, and the fact that some conversations are meant for "adults." So sometimes that can be really painful: the need that you may feel to give insight into your decision to your children, yet you know that it would not be in their best interest to do so.

I found that my pain subsided some if I concentrated on loving myself. In that way, I am better able to "be there" for my children.

The pain of missing them never goes away for me. Many parents face this when their kids go off to college and grow up, get married: that "empty-nest syndrome." For non-custodial moms, it just comes a lot earlier, and when kids are still growing up, which can make it such a challenge.

Loving myself has helped me to heal. In my situation, I blamed myself for some choices that I made and didn't make....but then I realized that this was not helping me or my kids. The emptiness in my heart from their absence in my everyday life was a tremendous valley of pain for me to climb out of. But healing is possible.

Missing them never goes away...and I'm sure even when I'm 90 years old, I would miss my kids if they are not near me. There is no love like a mother's...
Warmly,
Barbara

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» left by Leanne from South Africa (80 days 8 hours ago.)
Hi Dianne.

I am also from South Africa and lost my kids in a custody battle over a year ago. The kids are not important to him but winning is. His parents live with him so that helped him get custody also.

Today he barely give the kids the time of day, maintenance money paid to him is spent on himself and his girlfriend whom the kids hate.  School fees are left unpaid and the school is ready to suspend them both due to non-payment.

He never spends time alone with the kids or as a family with girlfriend and them together as a result he spends allmost all his nights and weekends sleeping over at the g/f place.  Sometimes the kids dont see him for weeks.  All the raising of these kids is he leaves to his mother.

I am totally heartbroken as I have kept constant contact with both kids but my ex practiced PARENTAL ALIENATION and attempted to turn the kids against me.  My son still blames me to this day for the divorce.

I have continued to shower them with lots of love and attention but to this day I cannot understand the Fam Advocate that can just hand over my kids, whom I love and want desparately, over to him and his mother.  

I am hoping to take on the custody battle again because what is happening is making me and my daughter an emotional wreck.  She often breaks down crying saying,  "Does my dad even love me?"  Not to mention my son being raised by his grandmother!!!!!

I just want to give them a loving and stable hom

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» left by Fran from Alabama (259 days 3 hours ago.)

I am so happy that I came across this web-site! I have been a non-custodial Mom for almost 3 years. The pain at times has seemed unbearable. I was so unhappy in my marraige to my X but he was a wonderful Father and our Daughter was "Daddy's Little Girl"... She would do anything for her Dad while my relationship with her was strained because he spoiled her so and did not discipline her in any way. If I tried to correct her, I was the bad guy... So when the divorce happened, we decided on joint custody w/ my X as primary custodian. This was the worst decision I have ever made in my life! I have felt the emptiness and guilt that only a non-custodial Mother could feel. A few months after the divorce, I finally started coming around. I decided to just love my Daughter with everything that I had (not spoiling or buying things for her but just showing her how much I love her). Our relationship has blossomed and she is now about to turn 12 next month. I live 100 miles away from her and am only able to see her on weekends. My X is very controlling with the time that I spend with her even though we have "joint custody" and he is very insecure at times. She has been talking lately of wanting to live with me and just visit with her Dad. He has told her that she does not have that choice. She was very upset but does not want to hurt her Dad's feelings in any way. I don't ever see anything changing but I can tell you that it is a wonderful feeling to know that your child "knows" without a shadow of a doubt that her Mama loves her unconditionally and will be there for her even if she doesn't live in the same home. This has helped heal my soul and given me the confidence to be strong when you get those "looks" or "questions" from other Mom's. I still have my days and times where I feel totally depressed but they are fewer and far between. Sincerely, Fran - Alabama

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (201 days 17 hours ago.)

Fran,

Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate them and am glad that people are finding this article to express their stories and feelings.

You are doing the best you can and you did the best you knew how back then. Please forget about your choices in the past--you cannot change them. The only power you have is in the present. And loving your daughter is exactly the thing to do! Your relationship is getting better and stronger. This is good news!  Focus on that!

I really believe that if you can find it in your heart to put aside your feelings toward your ex, and to appreciate the things about him that you agreed would make him a good primary care giver in the first place, that it will all work itself out. You'll know what to do if you operate from a feeling place of love and appreciation. There must have been something about him that you appreciated (or you wouldn't have had a child with him and then later given him primary care of her). Focus on that positive and I will assure you that you will see a change. Be grateful that your daughter has two parents who love her and want to be a part of her life.  I really believe that it will all work out. If you can raise yourself up to be the supporting, loving, appreciative person, your daughter (and her dad) will benefit from that. You may soon find that you'll be able to talk to her dad about modifying the custody, if that's what you want. While it may not work out as you think you want it to now, at least your journey alongside your daughter growing up will be filled with love, appreciation, joy and gratitude. That's something to celebrate and something so precious that your daughter will always cherish looking back on it.
All the best, Barbara

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» left by Anonymous (223 days 15 hours ago.)

 Wow what an amazing testamony!  I was also a NCM and I also was well educated...( I also graduated from University), and I was not a drug user, criminal or a law breaker! I also could relate to everything that the author was saying.  What a great article and I hope many other of the NCM's out there read this wonderful blog!

M.P.

 

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (201 days 17 hours ago.)

Dear MP,
Thank you for sharing your NCM background here. I appreciate the time you took to make them. Warmly, Barbara

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» left by Jennifer from New Jersey (201 days 17 hours ago.)

Barbara,

 

I thank you for being my voice.  I am a non-custodial mom who fears that my daughter is being alienated from me.  I never got a fair chance with the courts and my ex has manipulated my daughter to the point of her being afraid to disappoint or hurt him.  Meanwhile, I am left to pick the pieces of every call not answered, every visit not made and so on.  I feel completely lost and alone.  I feel at times if I am losing my mind.  Please, if you have any advice to give...I am in desperate need of it.

 

Thank you.

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» left by Barbara Clark ⁽⁵⁷⁰⁾
Barbara Clark (201 days 17 hours ago.)

Jennifer,
I feel your pain. I know how it feels to be at such a low point and feeling alone. But you are not alone. There are many women who have gone through what you're feeling right now.  Please contact me if you'd like information on a supportive listserve of women who know what you're going through.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. That is the best advice I can give any person in this situation, feeling down, desperate and alone. Pamper yourself with a bubble bath, get the rest you need, pray, meditate, eat healthy, be kind to yourself.--do whatever it takes to consciously feel better. There are many ways to improve your daily outlook without having to leap over what seem like impossible hurdles right now. It's one step at a time. Find something that makes you feel good and do, think or be that. Each day, continue to do that...Soon, you'll do a little more of that...and more. Just take care of yourself and you'll be better able to care for your child.

Please feel free to contact me by email. I'm glad to point you in a direction that may lend some more support.  Warmly, Barbara

I

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» left by Anonymous (191 days 19 hours ago.)

How does a non-custodial mother pay child support when the state is asking more than she can afford? And there are three states that are wanting to collect child support from me. Also, the state that I am living in is demanding that I pay medical support or medical expenses for the children. And I cannot even afford medical expenses for myself. Has everyone gone crazy?

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» left by April from Wilmington, NC (140 days 18 hours ago.)

Hi Barbara,

 

What a blessing to read your words of inspiration. I am a non custodial mom & I live 800 miles away from my son. It wasn't always that way & I long for the days when I was a stay at home mom with him. I miss him terribly & I carry such guilt for my stupid choices that have caused him & I so much pain. One yr after my ex & I divorced I decided to move to a different state with my current husband. I took my son with me but a bitter custody fight followed shortly after. To make a long story short, the fighting took a heavy emotional toll on my son & myself. I finally asked my ex if we could settle & get on with life for the benefit of everyone involved. I regret that decision to this day. While we have joint legal custody, my ex retains physical custody. I am having trouble getting past the guilt. The pain my son goes through because he misses me is almost unbearable for me. I have caused him so much pain. He wants me to move back to NY but it's not as easy as it sounds. We have lived apart for 6yrs & I've maintained a steady, secure life for him here because I want to provide him consistency. If I move, that would all go away. It would be another divorce, finding a new job, finding a place to live and starting life over again from scratch. Yes, he is worth all that & more. But which would cause him more pain in the long run? Me staying here with nothing changing or me being near him with everything changing including another divorce from his step-dad that he loves. (my husband will not move for reasons that are too involved to comment on right now).

 

Thank you for giving me a place to feel like I can write freely, without judgment. Non custodial moms are all too often judged unfairly.

 

-April

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» left by Anonymous (133 days 17 hours ago.)

I too am a NCM.... my biggest fear is that she will think I didn't try hard enough.... I am educated I work hard (2 jobs) I did nothing wrong ex's daddy had an in with the DA's office and pulled some strings to get him custody then you know the drill....... I miss her everyday..... I pray that she knows how much I love her and wish I could be with her. I just want to brush her hair after her bath..... and make cookies with her again. I miss my baby...

 

Peanutsmom in OK

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» left by Lisa McKenna from Bellingham, WA (108 days 21 hours ago.)

I relate to your pain.  I have a son, now 18, and a daughter 15, who were somehow  awarded to a very dangerous, sociopath (his MMPI placed him in the top 3% of the  population on the sociopathic-deviance scale-where serial murderers fall).  There was so much evidence and expert testimony to prove that I, the mother, was the only viable and appropriate person for custody.  I thought that truth would prevail...I really did!  God has been my personal Savior most of my life so I didn't feel I should fight dirty like my ex was ONLY capable of.  He didn't even want the kids.  But, he knew that was all I wanted (not him).  Truth did not prevail--I believe there was a pay-off or some type of underhanded actions or there's no way!  I can never make sense of it and have not been able to recover.  I lived in California as long as I coulld, but an incorrectly calculated amount of child support made it literally impossible to work to support myself and a new child (in 2002) so I moved back to Washington.  Then my ex pulled all kinds of things and disallowed me my visitation rights.  I had phone calls for a year or so and sent lots of stuff to both of them.  I never heard back and found out via child support agency that they've moved to Oregon--where...I have no idea.  I'm trying to figure out how to get back the $100,000 my ex owes me for incorrect child support (taken from my inheritance) and community property debts he'd been ordered to pay but didn't.  I'm trying just to get the papers completed for modification of this incorrect child support...but even after 7 years of daily agony from a loss so overwhelming as my children...I am barely capable of that.  I've ended up on SSI because of psychiatric issues that have incapacitated me to this point.  I wish I could've been able to just accept the judgement and move on with my life...but I've been stuck...unable to really even bandage up my heart and empty womb enough to rise up and live my life.  It's like I'm half-dead/half-alive.  I look at little girls and long to brush and experiment with her hair like I barely had a moment for with my daughter.  I haven't seen or touched Denny and Brianna for 7 years.  I can't even comprehend them to be 15 and 18 because that is unbearable.  I missed their childhood...and now it's too late.  I also know my ex is good at brainwashing and it would be almost impossible for my kids to be immune with having any other input from me or one on my behalf.

This ended up longer and more negative that I had intended.  I'm sorry!  I long for contact with other NCMs, so if there's a way we can communicate...even behond this site...let me know!  I fought long and hard for 5+ years...and am ashamed to confess that eventually I no longer stood up again to fight what seemed the unavoidable truth...was impossible to win.

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» left by Kimberly Noles from Wadley, Al. (80 days 1 hour ago.)

I too share the huge hole in my heart, of having to live every minute of every single day without my little 8 year old girl.To me and a few others, the legal part of my ex getting my little girl was ALL a pay off.It was His hometown, the people He knew,and the fact he made more money than me.Not to mention, we agreed for me to stay at home and not work.While it was all a game of control for him, My little girl is hurting the most.See, not only was she taken form me,she has an older brother and sister at home(siblings from a pervious marriage).It has been every minute of the past year and 5 months,I pray every day for strength to carry on.I spend most of my time feeling lost and empty. I have been blessed to find love and I have the love of my children but for the most part, I feel guilty for being happy.After all, what kind of mother loses a child?The pain is so hard to bear some days but for some odd reason, I still seem to get by.Sometimes I pretend this is all a bad dream but then a wake up and she isn't here.Today was her 1st day of 2nd grade, I wasn't allowed to even talk to her this morning.I leave three hours away so I just couldn't drop by the school.My ex is a total jerk and a half.He is trying to keep her from me all that he can.I do have alotted days and weekends but they never seem to be enough.I do and will continue to call my little girl EVERY night.I don't get to talk to her alot of the time when she is with him.He won't anwser his cell phone.So I have to pray that while he is at his 12 hour job(14hrs away from her each day)and she is with her 78 year old grandmother,that I'll get to talk to her. My ex works swing shift,12hours each for 2 days, than off for 2 days, then back on for 12 hours for 3 days at a time.These shifts rotate from day shift to night shift.When you add those days up, she stays in a different bed 2 nights.Now you tell me if thats in the best interest of a child?I'm sorry I'm going on and on.I sooo agree with all the pain thats been mentioned on this page and live with a greater pain everyday.I hope someone out there can help me deal with this nightmare I'm living in. With many tears os saddness, Kim N.

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» left by Dana from Southeastern US (79 days 2 hours ago.)

It's been most helpful reading that there are other people out there in the same or similar situations.

 

My daughter is nine years old, and she lives with her father. Although my ex-husband and I have had joint legal custody since our divorce, she lived with me primarily until I suffered a devastating job loss just before her fourth birthday. I fought until the bitter end to keep her with me, but I eventually reached the conclusion that she'd be better off with her father, at least until I was back on my feet again. After all, her father has lived with his parents since our divorce and has 100% disposable income. I had no income of any kind, disposable or otherwise. I did not anticipate the financial recovery from this to take as long as it did, and by the time I was in a better position, she had become too attached to her father and his family to leave them. Seeing how happy she was there was more important to me than my own selfish desire to have her with me, and so I have not pressed the issue. I have let her know that any time she wishes to return to me, she needs only ask. I hope that day will come, but it wouldn't be fair of me to insist.

 

Where I run into problems is not with strangers, oddly enough. My ex-husband and I co-parent quite well, and we're usually together at all of our daughter's school functions. Last year, her teacher even commented about how thrilled she was that even through a divorce, my ex and I manage to be more involved in our little girl's life than parents who are happily married. No... I get the most grief from my own mother, who was a single/divorced mom, herself.

 

When she divorced my father in 1980, she took me and my younger brother across two state lines without consulting with him first. It devastated our father, who I have never once doubted loved us with all his heart. I don't claim to have deep-seated emotional issues stemming from that event, but I do often wonder how my formative years might have been if I had been raised by a financially-stable parent (my father outearned my mother by around 200%). The move to the city where I grew up created unimaginable hardship for our mom, and there were times food was scarce, we had to move around often because she was unable to afford housing... but she felt -- and still feels -- that a child's place is with his or her mother, even if the mother cannot adequately provide for anyone. Because we disagree on this, our relationship has become strained. She's constantly telling my daughter that she needs to go live with her mommy, she's constantly telling ME that I need to become a "real woman," accusing me of partying (I still have trouble paying my bills on time; partying is about the farthest thing from my mind), and saying things like, "Well, I suppose not everyone is cut out to be a mother." To say the least, it doesn't make me feel good. Still... I know in my heart that this was the right thing to do. I feel terribly empty sometimes, and five years later, I still have a few nights each week when I just can't sleep because I miss her so very much. But when I see her so happy, energetic, well-adjusted, and able to reserve her mental energy for schoolwork and not wondering where her next meal is coming from, I can't help but be proud of all of us for being able to work together, even if the arrangement is far from traditional.

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» left by Anonymous (58 days 20 hours ago.)

I'm amazed to see this posting. When you deal with this kind of thing, you think you are the only one going through it. When I read your story, I felt as if I was reading my own. I lost my kids in a custody battle over four years ago and I felt the judge did not do what was best for my kids. I had no money to fight and my mother worked in the court house....she was angry with me for standing up to her (I am an only child) so, she set out to ruin my life and she did an okay job in the area of my kids. She knew the judge on the case and well, you can see where this thing is going.

 

I am very educated and a great monther, but politics played a big role. I did date a lot after my divorce, but I never did anything during that time to lose my children over. I have such regret over what I should have done or what I shoud not have done, but now overall I can't change what happened. I really asked God....how could you let this happen? I still don't know the answer.

 

My son has now graduated high school and my daughter is 13. I live in a different city from my daughter. After I lost the kids, I moved to get better work since I was paying child support. I see my kids every other weekend and have a house in the same city now just to see them.

 

I have been blessed beyond messure and have remarried the most wonderful man in the world. He is very supportive and we have a wonderful life. BUT...I still ache inside by not having my children and I struggle all the time when it comes to feeling like I'm not a part of their lives. Instead of knowing all about my daughter's activities....my mother knows since she is in town....this kills me. I want so badly for my daughter to think of calling me instead of calling my mother to tell her what is going on in her life. I really wish I had people to talk to who understand what I am going through.

 

I've also learned to lie about having the kids so people don't look at you funny or judge you. I don't like lying to people, but frankly, I don't think it's any of their business. I used to tell people the truth, but it was not worth it for me.

 

I am so glad to find this...I've really felt alone with this issue.

 

Deneen

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» left by Heidi from Portland Oregon (1 hour 48 minutes ago.)

   New Comment!   

It is amazing that there are so many of us. This topic is not brought to light very often.

 

I tried to play the role of single mother to my 3 children for 2 years after my divorce 7 years ago, but when my husband re-married a woman who could stay home with them, I decided they would do much better in that situation rather than going to daycare all day. The saddest and most ironic thing about making the best choice for your child is that in the case of choosing to become a non-custodial mother, our society just wonders "how could any mother leave her children?" (which is still better than the other option. Many people believe you must have committed abuse or neglect in order to 'lose' custody of your children)

 

If I were the divorced Dad, I'd be applauded because I'm always available for my children whenever they need me or when their dad and stepmom need a night off, I've never missed my weekend or vacations or holidays with them and I've paid childsupport on time every month for the past 5 years. I love my children deeply and it was a great sacrifice for me to let them go to their Dads because even though I want to have them with me, I knew the schedule, neighborhood, schools and childcare situation would be better at his house.

 

Our society seems to have such a double standard when it comes to judging what makes a "good" mother and our fellow-Mothers seem to be the first to judge us harshly without even considering the whole story. Sometimes I want to yell out my whole story, my whole reasoning about why I chose to be a non-custodial Mother so I can avoid the whispers and harsh looks from the full-time moms I sit next to in the bleachers at my childrens sports events.

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