I talked last month about running for President of the United States. As gas keeps climbing along with everything else, the government comes out with a report stating inflation is only .2 percent for last month so I have to start giving serious thought to throwing my stocking cap into the ring. I think a good slogan might be. "I'll probably screw things up but I won't lie to you." Right now everyone in Washington does the former and shies away from promising the latter.
Anyway, I want to tell you what I would do as President with the executive branch of the government.
The first thing I would do is make sure everyone on the White House staff was butt-ugly. If everyone on staff couldn't stand the sight of each other then there won't be any hanky panky going on and there's too much of that going around in the capital anyway. If everyone's ugly, then there would be no day dreaming about whisking each other away for a secret weekend. In fact people would be in such a hurry to get their work done and get the heck out of the office that reports that now take months would probably be done in days.
This will help the press too. They can spend their time asking real questions about real issues and not dawdling on some silly," Is so and so sleeping with so and so." If everyone is as ugly as a skunk's behind, the press will know no one is messing with someone else and they too can get some real work done.
I have given a great deal of thought to how I would fill my cabinet posts and I believe I have that one figured out. I will hire real people to run the departments. The Secretary of Transportation will be a retired bus driver. Now that person will understand our transportation problems better then some lackey who gets chauffeured around in a limo and never rode a subway.
The Secretary of Health will be someone who didn't get the right operation, was billed anyway and found out that since they now have a history of something wrong that they technically never had wrong with them that they are now uninsurable. Now that person will fix things over in health.
The Department of Education will be run by someone who either had teachers who fell asleep in class or came from a school district so poor that playground puddles were considered the drinking fountains. That's the kind of person who knows what's wrong with education.
Social Security will be run by a senior citizen who has been put on hold for two hours trying to get the answer to a simple question. Right now Social Security tries to tie people up on the phones until they kick the bucket from stress and thus they don't have to pay out any more money to the callers.
The Defense department will be run by an ex-soldier but it will be someone who was a buck sergeant and not some officer who never set foot in a foxhole or ate C rations in a driving rain. The problem with the Defense department is too many big shot officers don't know that war isn't all pretty with just underlings scribbling with magic markers on maps.
I plan on changing the role of the IRS for sure. I will make it clear that I don't want agents spending time reviewing some poor schmuck's tax return who made only $20,000. Sure that guy cheated. He had to. He only made $20 G's.
I will have the IRS go after every corporation head who pays themselves millions of dollars and all they do is sit on the toilet or go golfing or cheat on their spouses with the good looking persons I didn't hire at the White House.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
Mike now offers a 26,000 word e-book on making money as a freelance writer for only $10.00 at this page. http://www.mikefak.com/id45.html
» left by Mike Fak(5,750) Mike Fak (1 year 172 days ago.)
Thanks Robert. I still have my old helmet but my vest is made out of cardboard. My wife made it for me and tells me to trust her. Mike
» left by Jean Horst(1,191) Jean Horst (1 year 172 days ago.)
Mike, I always say no one should be allowed to be in government who hasn't had to be self employed for a couple of years.
» left by Anonymous (1 year 170 days ago.)
You are absolutely correct Jean. It's the only way to understand that government often hurts more then helps. Mike
» left by Dianne Lehmann(5,213) Dianne Lehmann (1 year 172 days ago.)
Mike, well you're right about all that aside from the humor. And I agree with Jean's comment as well. I've said that for years myself. Actually, I have thought that the government should be required to show a profit at the end of the year or we the "shareholders" (taxpayers) could just fire them all. Thanks for laying it all out.
Dianne
» left by Mike Fak(5,750) Mike Fak (1 year 170 days ago.)
Boy we would sure save a lot of money Dianne since everyone would have been fired by now. Thanks Mike
» left by Danny Davids(19,815) Danny Davids (1 year 169 days ago.)
Mr. President, I'd like to apply for director of the Food and Drug Administration. You can see for yourself that I'm on a first-name basis with a variety of foods. As for the drugs, I'm of the opinion that if you don't need it, you don't take it, and if you do need it, you take it for only as long as you need it. I look forward to discussing this position with you.
» left by Mike Fak(5,750) Mike Fak (1 year 169 days ago.)
Thank you for your application Mr. Davids. Please be advised the current credentials needed to obtain this position are $137.50 plus knowing how to keep rabbits out of my garden. Let me know if you have more to offer, so to speak. Mike
» left by Ken McCreless(1,758) Ken McCreless (1 year 169 days ago.)
Don't forget me, Mike! Remember when we were pinned down by sniper fire? How my knowledge of counter-rabbit tactics saved our brussel sprouts? Did that really happen? My name is Ken McCreless and I'm not sure I approve this message.
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