20 Trouble Signs - You Love Him Or Her More Than He Or She Loves You
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Posted: Thursday, May 22, 2008
by Yangki Christine Akiteng
The Real People's Love Doctor
You met the most wonderful man or woman in the world. The times you spend together are like straight out of a love poem -- full of depth, love, honesty and sensitivity. You've discussed your views about relationships and what makes them go bad, talked about loving and letting it be, and even hinted on becoming exclusive, someday.
You think of little else and when you are apart you send little "Thinking of you -- kiss, kiss" text messages and he or she responds with "Thinking of you, too -- kiss, kiss". No one's ever made you feel so much in love. This is the man or woman you want to spend the rest of your life with-- and you know it in your gut that this is the person for you.
Trouble SIGN! You love him or her more than he or she loves you.
When you love someone so much more than they love you, you set the stage for that person to reject you. It's like putting pressure on someone to eat even though he or she is not hungry, and then resenting his or her inability to respond enthusiastically.
Here are some signs that you've crossed the line between "loving" to "loving too much".
1. You felt empty and unloved before you met him or her, but now you feel even emptier and insecure.
2. You want to talk to him or her every few hours/see him or her every few days but unlike you, he or she is able to go for long periods of time without talking to you or seeing you -- and it doesn't seem to bother him or her.
3. Your thoughts and feelings keep bouncing from "he or she loves me so much" to "it's all over, he/she is not going to call."
4. Much of your day is consumed thinking of this special person and developing strategies of what you'll say or do (and when) to make him/her see that you are meant for each other etc.
5. He or she seems extraordinarily independent and this is driving you nuts. He or she even makes you feel you could have sex with someone else and it wouldn't matter.
6. One moment you find yourself unable to refrain yourself from telling him or her that he or she is unfair, selfish, insensitive, unmotivated, unpolished, boorish, depressed etc. and the next moment you are professing your love and desire for a committed relationship.
7. You live for his or her love -- and in moments of insecurity you try to squeeze out some words or actions that reassure you that he or she loves you and is there to stay -- although deep inside you know that putting pressure on him or her is the worst thing to do.
8. You feel like you are getting mixed signals from him or her (you probably are). One moment he or she is open and wants to be close and the next, his or her words and actions seem to say "I need my space' or "leave me alone".
9. You're are trying so badly to please him or her, and do things to show him or her that you are deeply in love, and in the process losing your spontaneity and "in the moment" demeanor to the point that you are becoming increasingly "too serious' and "overly sensitive'.
10. You want to (and actually do) talk about the relationship more than he or she wants to. And many of your talks about the relationship leave you feeling more insecure, unlovable and second-rate.
11. There is another man or woman in the picture -- and your man or woman can't seem to get him or herself to end the relationship with that other man or woman. You can see that he or she is genuinely conflicted because he or she loves the other person too -- or more!
12. Your assessment of where the relationship is at is different from his or hers -- and when you point this out, he or she says you are making him or her feel pressured for something he or she can't give or isn't ready for.
13. His or her life -- professional and social -- seems so full that there is not much room for you. Try as you do to get in, you always feel like the "outsider" and he or she is not doing much to include you.
14. The last time you tried to back away a little to gain more perspective on the relationship, you couldn't even pull that one through. You got so scared that a little distance might end the relationship completely.
15. You have sex with him or her because you think that that's what he or she wants, You hope and pray that the closeness of sex will bring the two of closer to each other -- but it only makes you feel used.
16. You are constantly rationalizing the negatives and straining to believe him or her, even when what he or she is saying defies simple common sense.
17. You are obsessed with trying to interpret, understand and clarify his or her every word and action. You are constantly searching for internet articles, asking friends and even strangers what they think -- does he or she love me or not?
18. He or she is in total control his or her feelings and of the relationship. You are the powerless clinger.
19. Your anxiety is on the high end -- you are really afraid that this relationship might end (and expecting it to) anytime really soon.
20. There is a part of you that just wants to end it all -- actually wants him or her to leave so that you can regain your lost power (feel normal again), yet you are frightened of that prospect too.
Loving too much is a relationship-killer!
Loving somebody so much more than they love you is the reason why many relationships end suddenly, abruptly and pain. You are left feeling shocked, betrayed and deeply hurt.
Interestingly, most men and women end the relationship with you, not because they no longer love you but because your compulsive "too much loving" is often experienced by the other person as engulfment, pressure and control -- IT IS.
And it's a big turn off!
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge!
Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
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More commentswow i never read such a kind of article in my life... thank you so muchPlease log in to respond to this comment.
so the answer? Pull away and stay away. you just have to sit it out. if they call they call. If they don't, at least you know it's time to let go. soemtimes, it's just hard.Please log in to respond to this comment.Not the kind of advice I'd give anyone. The answer is to look inside yourself to begin with. It's not his or her fault that you "love too much" (needy, clingy, demanding, controlling etc.). It's because you're emotionally unhealthy that you create this imbalance in the first place (attract people who do not love you back, people who themselves are emotionally unavailable, etc) and it's the same emotionally unhealthy behaviour patterns that make it hard for you to "regulate" your own feelings. Even worse, sometimes it’s your emotionally unhealthy behaviour patterns that cause the other person to behave the way they do. So make sure it’s not you first. Playing head games like "testing" him or her (another emotionally unhealthy behaviour) only brings you more pain -- that's why it's "just hard".Please log in to respond to this comment.sounds like to me there is no answer ,if someone has emotional issues and does not treat you right but you love them of course this is going to hurt you and cause you emotional problems you do not desrve and get upset, if you stay then you need to focus on yourself , in order to do that you need to push them away soo you can get your head on straight ,huh , is this going to change that person , i mean if they are that way they are going to be that way ,you can focus on your happiness but they are still in your life dragging you down,impossible situation to me but to leave and thats not fianancially easy or close yourself off and live unhappy or be selfish and do you ,Please log in to respond to this comment.
ok point taken. The thing is, if you are emotionally unhealthy what can you do about it? We are all alone to a certain extent whether attached or not. Some people have a huge circle of friends, but all very superficial. It just looks good.Some people are married but there's no connection. again it might look good, and act as a shelter.The problem is overcoming this potential isolation and acheiving real and meaningful connections with others.Please log in to respond to this comment.I am glad you see where your problem is. Not everyone feels alone, I certainly don't and have never felt alone. What you need is to talk to a professional in your local area who can help you deal with your unhealthy patterns and feelings of loneliness. I don't think you're going to get the right kind of help just reading articles on the internet. You can pick up a few helpful insights here and there but what you need is someone who can help with your specific way of relating in unhealthy ways. Life happens in the real world! The internet is NOT the real world.Please log in to respond to this comment.
hello there!!! i like ur site and the article...its really true coz i was into this kind of feeling in which i gave him everything but in return he leaves me and our baby. ur correct, its really hard if you really love the person that much and doesn't even receive any love in return, it can lower down ur self esteem and it can make u feel useless. its not hard and sometimes u can't blame the person either since u love them so much... but of cors u shud learn to control ur emotions and leave something for urself. though its not easy but after all if they'll leave u, u'll not be hurting that much and it will be easier for u to recover and to think about y things turns out this way.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Hi.. Good Day..
Thank You for posting the article..
I have almost 90% of he signs and I'm really sad to know that I love him more than he does..
Anyway, I'm glad that I'm not alone..
I bet there are several more people out there are having the same situation..Please log in to respond to this comment.
I'm a songwriter and I've BEEN to professionals. Their clinical language about my emotional problems is like a VACCINE AGAINST my getting any better. I just end up in tears knowing I'm getting less and less likely to recover the more I understand and the less anything actually ACCESSES me down in the place where the wound is. The "clinical help" only makes the scar tissue thicker. I feel like I need a fricken shaman poet no less potent than Leonard Cohen or something. And don't say the Bible, I'm not Christian. So yeh, I'm SOL.Please log in to respond to this comment.Loving yourself just as you are/were, and adding in healthy boundaries are the cure! (Not the band) ;)
Worked for me, and I know what you mean! I have tried many therapists and medicines. Made me worse off! When I realized I have to give myself the love I want to give someone else I have been so much happier and energized. Things are simply falling into healthier places too, it's amazing! Like a different world! acceptance and giving are very much the key to happiness.
Good luck <3Please log in to respond to this comment.i have to ask ,if this also helped your relationship?i agree this is great advice, and will keep this in mind !!!Please log in to respond to this comment.
God! I'm glad I read this, hope it's not too late to realise the faults I've been making.Thank you soo much for this article.ElfredaPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Wonderful. This article is so true...Thanks for jotting the points for us...Sometimes I guess we look for love harder than anything else...The person is just not there. But in my case the other person kept the relationship on for a long time and I kept believing that her emotions are true as well.....I would ignore all her fallacies, uneasiness with herself andTake Care..Please log in to respond to this comment.
AAAAHHHG! i need help. :'( i like this guy. but he still loves his "EX" its pretty annoying though, because he said that the reason he broke up with her was because it wasn't working out anymore. she's lives in a different country from us. and when we are together like hanging out as "friends" it just doesnt seem to feel like we are just friends. he loves me i love him but he loves her as well. aaahhg, so confused. need help on what to do. :(
Please log in to respond to this comment.
wow this article is so true , tonight ,just about an hour ago , i went off on my boyfriend and even threw dishes which i get mad but not usually to this point , i just felt so frustrated and it takes alot to get me that upset but of course he just sat there at the table calm as can be and then gets in the car and leaves as usual,he will even fall asleep when i try to calmly talk to him ,keep playing video games , won;t look at me ,fall asleep and to me that is the rudest thing ever cause i am always supportive of him,when he does open up , i do not constantly grip at him i treat him like a child in my mind and overlook alot but after awhile i try to calmly talk it over when i know nothing is going to change at all then theres times i have to just vent cause i kept it in ,i been with him 12 years and still feel like i am with a stranger and everyone knows he is like that , when i get upset because of his emotional problems from feeling unloved or disrespected , i have tried to talk calmly and do everything to fix things and he never says anything or tries to work with me and i have been as patient more than most women would,it hurts so bad to try to make it work with someone and talk things out and they sit there like a child or act like they do not care , he has admittedly been in counseling when he was a kid even and when i got with him he was going but they couldn't help him and he went to several therapist but they said he would not talk , his mom was making him ,not of his own !,they even gave up!! so we have issues in our relationship and i feel disrespected , its not cheating as far as i know cause we are together most of the time but this is horrible and so hurtful , we been together 12 years and before that i was in a 12 year relationship that was similiar but not as bad as this one but i just do not know what to do ,i always feel like i give more than they do and i want to give love and care for someone,in this relationship i was wonderful to him but when he kept treating me like this i just gave up like 5 years ago , i thought he would see i changed and fix things but it did not work all that has done is made me untrue to myself and depressed , i distance myself and he doesn't care , my self esteem is at an all time low because of health issues as well and he doesn;t know how to express himself or open up so thats been so lonely ,i know i just need to leave i wish i could fix it instead ,i feel stuck cause of my health and money but i do not care how bad it hurts i have to find a way to love myself again and focus on me ,i will think if i am at fault honestly but i know things with him are not all my fault,so i guess i just am confussed as to what to do should i try again and put my heart back in this or give up,i really just wanted a healthy relationship , i do not think even if we are overly loving ppl we should not completely blame ourselves for these ppl, what is the best thing to do ????? please help!! i need some good advice !!!! i am going to try to focus on me cause my health and anxiety is really taking a tollPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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