You met the most wonderful man or woman in the world. The times you spend together are like straight out of a love poem -- full of depth, love, honesty and sensitivity. You've discussed your views about relationships and what makes them go bad, talked about loving and letting it be, and even hinted on becoming exclusive, someday.
You think of little else and when you are apart you send little "Thinking of you -- kiss, kiss" text messages and he or she responds with "Thinking of you, too -- kiss, kiss". No one's ever made you feel so much in love. This is the man or woman you want to spend the rest of your life with-- and you know it in your gut that this is the person for you.
But for some reason, the more you feel in love the less you feel loved, and the more you want closeness the more he or she distances.
Trouble SIGN! You love him or her more than he or she loves you.
When you love someone so much more than they love you, you set the stage for that person to reject you. It's like putting pressure on someone to eat even though he or she is not hungry, and then resenting his or her inability to respond enthusiastically.
Here are some signs that you've crossed the line between "loving" to "loving too much".
1. You felt empty and unloved before you met him or her, but now you feel even emptier and insecure.
2. You want to talk to him or her every few hours/see him or her every few days but unlike you, he or she is able to go for long periods of time without talking to you or seeing you -- and it doesn't seem to bother him or her.
3. Your thoughts and feelings keep bouncing from "he or she loves me so much" to "it's all over, he/she is not going to call."
4. Much of your day is consumed thinking of this special person and developing strategies of what you'll say or do (and when) to make him/her see that you are meant for each other etc.
5. He or she seems extraordinarily independent and this is driving you nuts. He or she even makes you feel you could have sex with someone else and it wouldn't matter.
6. One moment you find yourself unable to refrain yourself from telling him or her that he or she is unfair, selfish, insensitive, unmotivated, unpolished, boorish, depressed etc. and the next moment you are professing your love and desire for a committed relationship.
7. You live for his or her love -- and in moments of insecurity you try to squeeze out some words or actions that reassure you that he or she loves you and is there to stay -- although deep inside you know that putting pressure on him or her is the worst thing to do.
8. You feel like you are getting mixed signals from him or her (you probably are). One moment he or she is open and wants to be close and the next, his or her words and actions seem to say "I need my space' or "leave me alone".
9. You're are trying so badly to please him or her, and do things to show him or her that you are deeply in love, and in the process losing your spontaneity and "in the moment" demeanor to the point that you are becoming increasingly "too serious' and "overly sensitive'.
10. You want to (and actually do) talk about the relationship more than he or she wants to. And many of your talks about the relationship leave you feeling more insecure, unlovable and second-rate.
11. There is another man or woman in the picture -- and your man or woman can't seem to get him or herself to end the relationship with that other man or woman. You can see that he or she is genuinely conflicted because he or she loves the other person too -- or more!
12. Your assessment of where the relationship is at is different from his or hers -- and when you point this out, he or she says you are making him or her feel pressured for something he or she can't give or isn't ready for.
13. His or her life -- professional and social -- seems so full that there is not much room for you. Try as you do to get in, you always feel like the "outsider" and he or she is not doing much to include you.
14. The last time you tried to back away a little to gain more perspective on the relationship, you couldn't even pull that one through. You got so scared that a little distance might end the relationship completely.
15. You have sex with him or her because you think that that's what he or she wants, You hope and pray that the closeness of sex will bring the two of closer to each other -- but it only makes you feel used.
16. You are constantly rationalizing the negatives and straining to believe him or her, even when what he or she is saying defies simple common sense.
17. You are obsessed with trying to interpret, understand and clarify his or her every word and action. You are constantly searching for internet articles, asking friends and even strangers what they think -- does he or she love me or not?
18. He or she is in total control his or her feelings and of the relationship. You are the powerless clinger.
19. Your anxiety is on the high end -- you are really afraid that this relationship might end (and expecting it to) anytime really soon.
20. There is a part of you that just wants to end it all -- actually wants him or her to leave so that you can regain your lost power (feel normal again), yet you are frightened of that prospect too.
Loving too much is a relationship-killer!
Loving somebody so much more than they love you is the reason why many relationships end suddenly, abruptly and pain. You are left feeling shocked, betrayed and deeply hurt.
Interestingly, most men and women end the relationship with you, not because they no longer love you but because your compulsive "too much loving" is often experienced by the other person as engulfment, pressure and control -- IT IS.
And it's a big turn off!
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge!
Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
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