Not too long ago we were hanging out at one of our favorite places for Sunday night karaoke, an upscale Irish pub near where we live.
During a trip to the bar for a pint of Guinness, as any self-respecting man would partake of at such a fine establishment, I couldn't help but notice a woman who's own self-respect seemed decidedly in doubt.
She was probably no more than 23. A petite brunette with a bright smile and the personality to match. And for the record, she had a body that would make most guys take notice.
Here's the crazy part.
With her were two guys. One of them was probably about 40, the other at least fifty. Both were tremendously overweight AND undertall.
One was bald, the other probably hadn't taken a shower in several days.
Both were wearing t-shirts and jeans. Neither appeared to be particularly wealthy.
In fact, throw any classification of "limiting belief" you can think of at these guys and one, the other or maybe even both probably fit the description to textbook specification.
But the hottie wasn't only WITH these two guys, she was ALL OVER THEM.
At one point she was shamelessly grinding her tail into one guy while LICKING the other guy. All the while giggling and flirting back and forth.
The guys, for their part, took turns staring wide-eyed in shock at one another and laughing their heads off in joyful disbelief.
Here it is, gang. By NOBODY'S STANDARDS did these guys have ANY GAME whatsoever.
Now I know what you're expecting me to say. You're expecting me to tell you to get over whatever "limiting belief" you have and go out there and talk to some sexy women.
Well, yeah. But that's obvious.
If you've been reading my articles for long you know by now I'm not about re-packaging what you've already heard before.
What I want to do here is take things to another level for you by pointing out HOW and WHY this stuff is the way it is.
When I pointed out the above scenario to Emily, she offered an immediate explanation without having to think twice.
A woman with particularly low-self esteem will sometimes actually PUNISH HERSELF by flirting with the grossest guys she can find and letting them get all over her.
Crazy, isn't it?
It's a phenomenon kind of cut out of the same mold as why a woman would remain with an I/J ("Idiot/Jerk") despite being repeatedly mistreated.
So yeah, if you are a "gross guy", take heart. There are hotties out there literally seeking you out.
And were we all that shallow around here, then that would be your "lesson of the day". Then I'd probably go and write some book on how to pick up strippers or something.
But I have MUCH HIGHER HOPES for you than that.
And as such I'd rather frame things in a different perspective.
This means that ANY man who is about deserving what he wants--and who wants only the women who bring the "whole package" to the table--can feel free to expect MUCH, MUCH more than just a woman who looks good.
"Hot" truly isn't "enough" for a great man.
To illustrate all of this as vividly as I know how, let's get under the hood and find out how self-esteem is affected differently in men than in women.
If you were a man who suddenly woke up and had every woman in the world crazy about you, you'd probably get a significant ego boost from that.
And seriously, I can't really say I've seen too many GQ-looking dudes grinding up against a cackling throng of physically unattractive women in order to "punish themselves". (Then again, I've never been to a "Chippendales" show either, thankfully.)
Sexual desirability is NOT a source of self-esteem for women as it is for men. In fact it can be the EXACT opposite.
When a woman learns at a very young age that she is sexually desirable to men, there are inherent social dangers involved.
Quite possibly, she is continuously met with advances from guys who only "want something" from her.
If she doesn't perceive there to be much depth to anyone's interest in her beyond something purely sexual, she may begin to believe in her own mind that her worth is limited to sexual desirability.
So then, since she is so used to the flattery and perceives purely sexual intentions behind it, there's no help to her self-esteem there.
Worse, with the stigma placed on female sexuality in this society, if she feels that all people perceive her to be good for is a sexual thrill, then she can quickly start believing very negative things about herself.
So what does this mean to you, as a guy?
If you read most men's dating and seduction advice, it teaches us as guys to value "getting the lay" as the main goal.
And yeah, I think most of us can agree that sex is a good thing.
But if you are purely sex-focused, what you MUST realize is that you are FEEDING THE MACHINE of female low-self-esteem.
And remember, for every woman who hates herself for being considered purely a "sex object", there's one of US out there who is ashamed of his own male sexuality--having been brainwashed into believing that WE AS MEN are the cause of women's problems with self-esteem and the like.
After all, there are PLENTY of women out there with low self-esteem ready to pile on.
It all starts following logically and making sense, doesn't it?
This really can all become a vicious cycle.
Yes, there are some women out there with such issues that they'll let any guy have his way with them, as we've seen above.
BUT...there are other women--in far greater numbers--who simply find it EASY TO REJECT men who appear to want them only for sex. To those women, YOU are part of the PROBLEM, not the SOLUTION.
So guys who are sex-focused do not see that women who reject them often do have low self esteem.
Either that, or...um...they have HIGH self-esteem. Enough to know that they aren't going to settle for a guy who only wants sex.
Either way, YOU GET REJECTED.
Unless of course, you like the thought of being the guy women "punish themselves with" whenever you believe yourself to be "getting lucky".
Now let's be fair.
Sometimes women with low self-esteem will even refuse interested men who have a solid, respectful, holistic approach to identifying and associating themselves with great women.
It's not unheard of for such women to DRIVE SUCH GUYS AWAY because they may not feel good enough for them.
This is NOT to be confused with rejection. This should be considered part of the natural "weeding out" process that you as a man of high standards expects.
After the dust clears, which women are left?
Value women on a deeper level than purely as sexual conquests, and gain the advantage of more quickly identifying the most fantastic, beautiful women out there who also happen to have tremendous emotional health and stability.
And as a nice surprise, gain the advantage of having the highest echelon of women on Earth WANT to be close to you by their own FREE WILL.
Either that or go find a woman who's willing to "punish herself" by being with you. Your choice.
Scot McKay is a character-based dating and seduction coach, online dating consultant, talk show host and founder of X & Y Communications. He lives in San Antonio, TX with his wife and co-conspirator Emily (whom he met online), three kids and two hairless terriers.
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