I had to renew my health insurance the other day. The premiums keep going up so I keep raising the deductible but that is near the end of the rope. I mean how many operations have a cost of more than $2.5 million which is what I just bumped my out of pocket to.
I have been looking at other insurance carriers but many of them are suspect. After all, a health provider that uses a WiFi laptop out of a dumpster in Brooklyn might not actually pay if the time comes. There also are all these new clinic/hospitals popping up. But since they are combination trauma centers and pet neutering facilities I'm not sure if I want to use one of them or not.
With all these charlatans and less than professional health care providers out there, I thought I would make up a little checklist for all you readers. In the event you have more then three "yes" answers I recommend you run out the door whether you have clothes on or not.
Here is Mike's test to see if you are getting adequate health care.
1. You see your new hip waiting to be installed and rather than metal or titanium, it's made out of treated lumber.
2. All the tools on the operating tray say Snap-On or Craftsman.
3. After the staff washes up you watch as several of them start scratching their nether regions.
4. The doctor fishes a pair of rubber gloves out of the trash.
5. The chief surgical nurse has a seeing-eye dog.
6. The anesthesiologist keeps banging on the side of the gas machine.
7. You hear the bandage nurse say: "The other side is still good."
8. You see a nurse pouring hot water into the plasma bag.
9. The transplant team is standing in the back of the room with a power of attorney signed by your spouse.
10. One of the doctors has a fly swatter in his hands.
11. Your neck brace has a rental company logo on the side of it.
12. You hear the doctor say: "I hate it when I forget my glasses."
13. You hear one of the doctor's say: "Wow so that's what a person's insides look like.
14. The doctor looking over the surgical instruments is going; "eeney, meeney, miney mo."
15. A kid from Pizza Hut delivers a double pepperoni, extra cheese pizza right in the middle of the operation and everyone grabs a slice.
16. There is a wastebasket next to your gurney with the sign, "Left over parts" on the side of it.
17. Actually the gurney they use to roll you to the operating room looks just like a Wal-Mart shopping cart.
18. The music being piped into the room is, "Another one Bites the Dust".
19. You hear one of the doctors holding one of your organs in his hands ask another, "Do you know where this was?"
20. The surgical nurse looks just like the receptionist at the funeral home.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
» left by Mike Fak(3,556) Mike Fak (84 days 21 hours ago.)
It is the truth Avis. I have a chuck of masonite in my knee rather than a titanium bolt. The doctor said it was so I wouldn't have trouble going through airport screening but I think he was fibbing. Thanks for reading. Mike
» left by Danny Davids(13,298) Danny Davids (84 days 9 hours ago.)
When my wife had our second child by Caesarian section, I was in attendance and she was awake the entire time. As the doctors were "putting her back together", one of them held up a bluish-red organ with an umbilical-type cord and said, "Okay, plop it back in." Gosh, guys, could you at least have used some technical terminology so we feel more comfortable about your ability to do your job? Great article, Mike. I'm checking my HMO policy right away!
» left by Mike Fak(3,556) Mike Fak (83 days 9 hours ago.)
Thanks Danny. When I went in to have some cists removed, the doctor came in and said, "So what have we here/" I told him if he didn't know what we had here to not pick up a scalpel. Mike
» left by Laura (83 days 21 hours ago.)
Mike, you need to get a job working for a big company so you can get some quality insurance coverage. Then the worst thing that will happen is you will be sent home from the hospital a day after getting an artificial knee that turns out to be the wrong size When you call the HMO later to tell them that you were mistakenly given the wrong knee, someone who barely speaks English will attempt to tell you that your policy clearly states that you can't have more than one knee replacement in a lifetime. Doesn't seam so bad considering the dreadful options of the Oh my gosh!!!!!!! You make $2.5 million a year? Dang. Stop complaining.
» left by Mike Fak(3,556) Mike Fak (83 days 9 hours ago.)
Thanks Laura. I know all about insurance companies. I'm glad to see they too are using foreigners to handle claims. That means we also are exporting our stupidity and ineptness besides just our jobs. My deductible is $2.5 million. I never said I could pay it but heck the insurance company won't pay their claims either.
Mike
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