Submitted by: Bob Shubert(209) Bob Shubert Log in to become a member of Bob Shubert's Fan Club!
There was a Dr Phil show recently that featured a young man
who would not grow up and go out on his own. He was quite comfortable allowing
his mother to take care of his every need. The most remarkable aspect of this
situation was the young man's unabashed attitude about living off his parents.
This situation may not be as rare as we think it is. I realize now that when I
was growing up there was a man next door who was living off his mother. It was
remarkable to me, even at an early age, how irresponsible he was.
How does this situation evolve and what should parents do to make sure that
it doesn't happen to them?
I may not be the best person to answer this question since all three of my
children were more than ready to be on their own. My concern at that time was
that they might be out there too early but they all did real well in life and I
could not be prouder of them. So how does this life-long dependency evolve? It
has to be an absence of ambition and the lack of development in one's
self-confidence.
How does a parent correct this situation?
I will leave that up to people like Dr Phil and other psychiatrists. How to
prevent it from happening does not require clinical help. Dependency is a
learned trait in a child. What a child learns sticks with them into adulthood.
If a child's life consists of one or both parents constantly making all the
decisions for the child, how can they expect the child to make decisions on his
own? If the child never experience's the opportunity to make choices in life,
the young man or woman will not be able to make life choices. If the child does
not develop the maturity to overcome a fear of the unknown then there is no way
they can face the unknowns of pursuing a life of their own in adulthood.
It is becoming fairly obvious that the problem results from
a parent being overprotective or a child growing up in a small protective
cocoon where he makes friends with computer games instead of experiencing life
with his or her peers. Young people have a remarkable talent for forcing each
other into adulthood. They do not accept their peer's reluctance to try things.
They introduce each other to experiences and choices (good and bad) that one
would not encounter alone. This is one of the problems facing parents who home
school. They have to make a special effort to ensure that their children have
an ample opportunity to interact with their peers.
The most important lesson a parent can teach a child is the lesson of
expectations in adulthood.
I have some relatives who raised five great kids. One of their family
traditions was the "Breaking of the Plate" ceremony when the
appropriate time came. The ceremony consisted of a few sentimental words about
growing up and then the literal breaking of a plate. This ceremony accomplished
two purposes. One, the ceremony creates a demarcation point in life for the
young person. Secondly, all the young people present know that this point if
life is in their future and they have to think about it whether they want to or
not. What is most important is the reference made to the ceremony in early
childhood. Children must grow up with the expectation of developing their way
in life.
Many parents develop a general acceptance in their child that their future will
consist of college, the army, truck driving or drug dealing. Expectations are a
powerful force in a child but they can never be that rigid. A caring parent
will expect the best but be willing to expect something less when they realize
that their child is not going to perform as "expected". The
expectations game can be very effective if not rigid and dictatorial.
The expectations game can also include training in the joy of work and
accomplishment with a good dose of success and failure mixed in. An adult will
have difficulty with these concepts in life if they are not learned in
childhood.
Be prepared to let go of the child and allow them to mature and grow in
life.
I believe that is the most important parental responsibility. I tell young
parents that there is "LAC" in every young parent's life.
"LAC" stands for "Life after Children". For the sake of
your child make sure that you experience "LAC".
Bob worked in telecommunications for 25 years and is now retired. Married 147 years, 3 kids and 6 grandchildren he is an avid history buff. He loves to go to Fort Worth Cats baseball games. He has a B.S. Business Management from Tennessee Tech and is a Certified Civil Defense Instructor in Family Planning for a Nuclear Event. You can also find Bob's articles at his Associated Content producer's page.
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» left by sue thom from nj (70 days 2 hours ago.)
hi Bob, this was a well written article. i understand everything you wrote to be true, i just want my babies back :) 2 are on their own at 20 and almost 23, one is home at 17. the only difference i see in today's world is the price of everything. gas prices, car prices, car insurance, rent, food, clothing, etc., and it's hard for young kids to afford everything. it's worrisome for us adults, even more so for our youth. but i did expose them to being independent and stubborn when it matters, and they're doing it. thanks for sharing, best regards,
sue thom
» left by Michelle Mackin from Lodi, CA (69 days 21 hours ago.)
Hi Bob! I found that there is LAC. When my twins left home, 4 years ago, it was hard at first. However, they have done well for themselves. I am even a grandma now with a beautiful daughter in-law and wonderful grandson. Now the only thing I am waiting for is my 16 year old to fly the nest. My husband and I have had wonderful times without our children and also wonderful memories with my children. Thanks for your article. God bless.
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