Remembering My Father On Father's Day

My father passed away in 1994,  but I always think about him and wonder if he is okay on "the other side".  I was in Germany when I got news of his passing and both my husband and I flew to Florida to where my mother lives. Unfortunately,  we found out once we got there that he had already been cremated and the service for him had already been conducted.  Appearantly, I was notifed well after the fact instead of right away.  This was a huge disappointment to me because I never got to say good bye.  As a matter of fact, it had been many years that I had not even seen him since he and I lived in different states, thousands of miles apart.  Even the last time I saw him, he was in poor health. Ashen grey,  he had lost alot of weight due to his chronic alcoholism and emphysema and had difficulty breathing (but still smoking like a chimney) and walking due to the difficulty breathing.

For the life of me,  I've never figured out why so many people have difficulty changing their behaviour for the better when dealt a life threatening illness. You would think that the sheer will to live would give them enough UMPH to make a change or at least work very diligently to make the needed changes.  But he didn't.  He never stopped smoking when he knew he had been diagnosed with emphysema and he never stopped drinking knowing that the drinking was causing him to lose weight and be in such poor health.  I do have to give him credit however for being a "functioning" alcoholic because he never missed any work....except for when he fell off of a ladder at work (he was a painter) and he fractured his back.  He hardly ever had any health issues other than upper respiratory and I was always amazed he didn't.

My father was a very good musician who loved music tremendously.  But his alcoholism created a problem for our family when I was very young and my mother finally divorced him long after I had already moved out of the house and had my own life going on.  My father never stopped loving my mother and neither one ever remarried.  It was sad that they divorced but it came much later than it should have.  I for one felt my mother should have taken us out of the dysfunctional situation way back when I was around 9 or ten years old. His drinking put alot of stress on our family and the fighting and dysfunction was almost too much to bear.

But I have long since forgiven my father.  I never would have been able to move on with my life if I hadn't.  The only thing anger and hostility does for a person is to hold them back and prevents them from moving forward with their own personal life.  Back in the early 80s,  I purchased as many self help books as I could and made peace with my past...which was the best thing I ever could have done for not only myself but for my two sons.  I did not want my past to follow me everywhere I went, through out my life.    On this father's day, as with every father's day, I think about my father.  For one thing,  his birthday is in June as well. So, double the thought.  I remember that my father always said he was an athiest and did not believe in God.  When I got news of his passing, I was greatly disturbed.  Mostly at the thought that he would not be in peace and I worried about where his soul might be.

I was a Chaplain's assistant in the military after our Battalion got a new Chaplain that didn't have an assistant assigned to him.  Chaplain Sumbler.  I spoke to him at great length about my father being an athiest and I remember praying for him, with my Chaplain.  Not that I'm a religious person because I'm not.  I am, however, very spiritual and it just really bothered me that he did not believe his soul would go anywhere once he died.  I don't believe that.  There is just too much proof from paranormal experts and even I myself have captured EVPs and the proof exists that WE still exist as people, just on another level or on another dimension.  I know its possible for us humans, once we die,  to be able to know what is still happening around those they left behind.  I believe in that and I strongly know it to be a fact.

What I still don't know is if this is possible for someone who has such a negative view of the after life and if the ability exists only for those who believe its possible for those who have a strong faith in the after life.  After all, we don't always capture EVERYONE through EVP and we are not hearing tons of EVPs when walking through cemetaries with a recorder and we don't always have the ability to take photos of people who have passed on.  So I do still have my questions as to why we can capture some people who have crossed over and not others.  And where do those who don't believe, go? Do their souls go on "stand by" ? Waiting for them to believe or waiting for them to fix whatever they needed to fix in their past life?  So many questions and not enough answers.

My father was cremated and his ashes tossed off of a mountain by his first daughter from a previous marriage...or so she says...even though there is a grave marker for him in a cemetary in Alabama.  He's just not in it. So I don't understand why the marker is there to begin with, but whatever.  I have never had a "visit" from my father although I have had incidences of hearing footsteps in my home and there are sometimes shadows and I've even seen a man standing in my kitchen through dim lighting once but to this day still do not know who it was.  I've been woken up by a male voice yelling in my ear "HEY" and both my husband and I have come home once and began to open the door and heard voices thinking someone was in our home...but no one was there.  We even tore down a room inside of our home because I had strange feelings inside of the room and felt that there was a "portal" in the closet.  I had heard alot of foot steps and doors opening and closing by themselves prior to removing the room.  I've only heard one of our doors open by itself once, since we tore the room down and basically made our living room wider.  Was it my father?  I don't know.  I've had some strange things happening in my home off and on while here but who has caused it and who it might be, I have no idea.

My oldest son suggested I do EVPs in my home.  I did attempt a couple of times to video tape while I was sleeping because I wanted to know if I could capture something going on when I kept hearing a male voice waking me up by saying "HEY" next to my ear.  I definitely heard it, so there was no mistaking it was a male voice.  But the only thing I captured was watching myself toss and turn a million times during the entire taping! NO wonder I don't sleep well at night! *grin*

I've even left a tape recorder going during the night,  but you have to listen to every inch of that tape. However long you record, that's how long you have to listen.  I just didn't have the patience to listen to hours and hours of silence, hoping for an EVP.  I give Taps and other paranormal researchers alot of credit!  It's not easy to try and find EVPs.   I do have alot of dreams about my father, and so at least during those dreams I feel I am able to connect with him.