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By the time we reach our teen years, our own special talents
become apparent. Mine was getting dumped. That's right, when it came to getting
my heart broken, I excelled. I held my high school's record for "shortest time
going out" and "number of girls not interested." I earned my
square in the yearbook's award section ("Most Likely to be Dumped").
Even as a kid, this baffled me. I was a nice guy (if you
weren't my study hall teacher, that is). I did my best to make anyone I dated
feel special. And I thought I handled grooming with panache: zits gobbed with "advanced"
acne cream; enough hairspray and mousse to hold a cinderblock in place; and my
secret weapon: Lasso Cologne ("Guaranteed to rope in that special
someone").
Sure, it's easy to look back on my high school yearbook with
a critical eye: Why would anyone voluntarily dress like that? Was I
wearing a football helmet (which would have been odd, because I didn't make the
team) or was that actually my hair? And
did I think the pouting sneer was sexy?
Most of us can look back on our past selves (our "evolving
selves," as I like to say) and find things to wince about. But there may
be things, in retrospect, that can help us today.
An example: although I suppose I should have become used to
getting rejected by girls (you would think the frequency would have numbed me),
one experience still stands out.
Isabel Lentini.
She crushed me. And she did it by proxy (her best friend
Sandy told me – at my locker, before homeroom – that Isabel didn't want to see
me anymore). I mustered up every shred of courage and approached Isabel at
lunch that day. I needed to know why.
Why she ended it all right before our two-week anniversary.
Me: (trying to sound indifferent) Hey, why'd
you break up with me?
Isabel: (Shrugs. Sounding indifferent through a
mouthful of tater tots) I dunno.
Me: (Wiping clammy palms on the front of my
Jordaches) You have to know-you're
the one who did it.
Isabel: (Stabbing her milk carton with a straw) I
guess I fell out of like with you.
Me: What? That
makes no sense.
Isabel: (indifferent and annoyed) Ricky, get a clue: I don't like you anymore!
Me: (contemplating my lawsuit against the Lasso Cologne company for false
advertising) Well, did I do something wrong?
Isabel: You
stopped being likable. (She turns her
back to me and takes a huge bite of her burger, signaling the end of the
discussion.)
The importance of
LIKE in your relationship
At sixteen we didn't use the word "love." You
either liked someone or you didn't. 'Love' only edged out 'like' as the serious
proclamation in college.
Adults seem to focus more on the experience of the love than
like. It's implied that if you are heading down the path of love, you already
like the person--though at some point you can love someone yet dislike them
(ask the parent of many a teenage child, for example).
I haven't thought about Isabel falling out of like with me
until I recently read a book on marketing touting the importance of getting
potential clients to "know you, like
you and trust you." It seems that marketing and romance have more in
common than meets the eye: In the world of marketing you're trying to convince
someone your product or service is worthwhile; in the world of romance you're trying
to do the same for yourself.
Does your spouse or partner still like you?
Although it might not be the stuff of Hollywood
movies, falling in like (and out of like) is an important part of your romantic
journey. Couples who get into trouble fall out of like long before they fall
out of love--often without realizing it. For some reason, the importance of liking
one another is overlooked once love takes over the romantic landscape-this is a
significant relationship faux pas.
You can still love your partner while having momentary
lapses in like--couples argue and fight all the time (and rarely like each
other in these moments), but at the end of the day love and commitment remains
intact. As one wife recently said to her
husband during a counseling session, "You're lucky I love you, because
right now I can't stand you!"
But you shouldn't be fooled into thinking that love is all
you need-It's just as important that you and your partner like each other (most
of the time, anyway). When like totally vanishes, the safety net of love is in
danger of eroding. Momentary lapses in
liking your partner is one thing, falling out of like is a different ball
game--just ask Isabel.
Take the Necessary
Steps to Keep Like Alive
When couples are first dating, they make it a habit to put
their best foot forward. These efforts are directed toward increasing their
likeability factor. Just think back for a moment when you were first dating
your partner/spouse. Even if you both had a natural, magnetic chemistry, you
probably didn't just rely on this mystical attraction. I'm betting you exerted
extra effort to get your partner to like you.
Do you continue to
act in ways that make you likeable?
People often choose their friends because they like them.
When you like another person, the relationship remains interesting and fun. Liking
someone brings out the best in you. It's human nature to distance yourself physically
and emotionally from someone you don't like.
Time and time again I hear couples talk about feeling trapped in their
relationship-still in love and committed to one another, but they don't find things to like about each
other anymore. When this occurs, they begin to close themselves off emotionally
from each other.
What have you done recently to prevent this from happening
to your relationship? How can you make liking each other as much of a priority
as loving each other?
Before you cast aside everything from your teen years as
fluff or nonsense, think back on Isabel's unwittingly wise words. If you don't
like someone, what's the point of waiting around for love to strike? And this
is applicable to people already in
loving relationships: don't let love become a type of blind loyalty for you.
Remember all the things you first liked about your partner (before you began
loving him/her). Celebrate those things regularly so you can keep like alive in
your marriage or relationship. This provides the dual benefit of keeping your
partner a unique individual in your eyes, as well as strengthening the love
between you.
To discover more relationship tips, visit LifeTalk Coaching and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports:
"The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" and "Relationship
self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control
you."
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship
coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their
relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an
internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their
relationships.
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