Most couples, however well suited for each other, have at least a few qualities about them that can cause friction in the relationship. Some of these problems can be addressed and worked on; others are simply a matter of differing tastes. The real problem with these, sometimes small differences, is simply: How does a person learn to live with their partner’s bad habits? The urge to change these habits, to constantly contradict them, comes naturally to many people, but is more often than not, only a source of stress and the core of many arguments. Attempting to ignore the habit is often unsuccessful as well and too often all that gets accomplished is that under the surface, a continuing feeling of resentment builds, which can manifest itself into other issues that you may have with your partner.
The solution? Learning to live with, to accept and not smother your partner while they sleep, for their bad habits. If this isn’t possible it might be time to seriously look at the pros and cons of the relationship and take action.
Assessing the Problem: Before asking your partner to adjust to what you believe is a more appropriate way of acting or thinking, you must evaluate your reaction to those habits that make you uncomfortable and be sure that the problem isn’t your too high expectations.
- Why does the habit bother you, define these feeling to yourself so that you can better understand where it comes from. Certain habits only bother a few select people and are not what most would consider important.
- How often does the habit occur? If you are unable to change your reaction to something you dislike, but feel capable of overlooking it the timing is critical. A daily offense could easily make a person moody and argumentative while an annual nuisance can usually be brushed aside.
- Is your reaction to the habit an unresolved issue of your own? Do you find your reaction to be reasonable, or is it possible that you are over reacting?
- Do all people who have this bad habit offend you, or is it simply your partner? Often people tend to push their loved ones toward higher standards than those less close to them; while this can be effective and reasonable in many cases there are times when it is simply unnecessary and unfair to seek perfection in those around you.
Nagging: There is a sound difference between asking a person to do (or not to do,) something and ordering them around. One of the most common complaints amongst men is that their wives or girlfriends “nag" them to do things. This habit, though not exclusive to women, is an enormous problem when the relationship takes place in real life and not on your television screen. A pattern has been seen all too often in the last few years portraying the classic American couple as follows: Attractive but bossy wife, who seems to know how to do everything, coupled with an unattractive, oafish and rather stupid looking man; who persistently must be ordered about or he will accomplish nothing. Unfortunately the pattern is not exclusive to evening sitcoms and has become a way of life for too many couples.
- The Nag: The person who delves out the orders in the relationship often feels as though they alone are responsible for it, if subsequently the relationship has problems that person often feels that they are to blame, though it’s likely that both people are responsible. The desire to be cared for is present in most people, even if only on occasion, many people feel comforted knowing that they may rely on their partner. A person who refuses to take charge of their actions and care of their responsibilities gives the impression of weakness, this can be extremely unattractive to both women and men; certainly it does not allow the other person to feel cared for or even appreciated. Treating your partner like a servant is both irresponsible and terribly offensive; it implies that you have no faith in either their abilities or their actions.
- The Slave: On the other side of the coin we have the person who is being ordered about. While there are many people who are quite capable of attending to their daily lives without orders a few seem more than happy with dumping that responsibility on their partner. Unfortunately, many of those people feel that they are being unjustly treated when they are reminded of those responsibilities that they continue to overlook placing the responsible person in an entirely unfair position. Forcing your partner to be your parent is just as an unattractive as being a “nag", people in relationships rely on each other for help or advice but should always do their best not to take advantage.
If after weighing your reaction to your partner’s bad habit(s) you still believe that your request is reasonable, the next step is to discuss the matter with your partner.
- Remember to be considerate in the conversation even if you feel frustrated, hostility will only create tension between you and your partner and most likely will leave the matter unresolved.
- Allow your partner to explain, even if they should become a little defensive keep in mind that they may only be acting that way because they are being confronted. Try to reassure your partner about your overall feelings so that they know it’s the habit you would like to see disappear not the relationship.
- Be ready to have the scrutiny turned on you; relationships can be a series of tradeoffs, perhaps you too have an undesirable habit that your partner wishes that you would work on, be ready to commit to making a stronger relationship for the both of you in.
- Keep an open mind when listening to your partner; in some cases they might have an explanation for the cause of the habit you dislike which can in certain cases excuse the behavior. Don’t refuse the explanation simply because you hoped for a swift agreement and end to the habit.
- Opinion can be explained or even argued, but most often not proven right or wrong when it comes to preferences. In a situation where there is no clear side of right remember that compromise is your best key to solving the problem.
- If you find that your partner is unwilling to consider your feelings either during or after the discussion, it might be time to reevaluate how much you mean to them. Often these behavioral patterns will surface before you find yourself in a long-term commitment if you choose to watch out for them. If the person you choose to share a life with is incapable of compromise, or the very least understanding your point of view, in all likelihood the relationship will not last unless you are willing to give up having an opinion.
However you choose to resolve the pesky issue of bad habits, try to remember, even when your partner is driving you crazy with their unwashed dishes, strange taste in music or endless sea of silly knick-knacks; that you chose them for so much more than their bad habits and that it is sometimes the differences we see in another individual, that allows us to be so enamored of, so amazed and so in love with them.
Written by Katt Chat for Village Matchmaker's Online dating reviews.
Kattchat, your unofficial online dating and relationship advisor. |
