Did you ever have a friend who told you all about a companion of theirs? In their eyes, the companion was abrupt and sour and unreasonable at times. However, they had known each other for a long time, and they remained friends in spite of one's irritability at the other's character traits. This person took you to meet their companion one day, who was in a wheel chair from a car accident, so you understood why she was going to be abrupt, sour, and unreasonable with you at times. Only, those times never happened. She asked for some help on the computer, and as you were going through the motions, you were talking, and getting along fine. She was patient as you showed her what she wanted to know, she laughed a few times at your humor, you had your hand on the back of her shoulder, and she was so happy to have gotten the information she so desired. You visited for a while, and upon leaving, wondered why your friend had described her the way she did, when it was apparent to you that this companion wasn't any of the things she had said. I could have listened to the rather bleak description, and made my mind up on the way over that the two of us would not be getting along, or I could remain open, and see where the visit led.
Maybe it was just certain personalities she got along better with. Maybe your friend had offended her at some point, and didn't know it. The point is, don't defeat the characterization of someone before you even meet them. You are the only one who can determine whether another's character is compatible with yours. If you don't get to know someone, and how they think and act and react to situations, and what their beliefs and dreams and goals are, how can you defeat their character, before you meet them?
Even if you trust a close friend, they may have their own opinions and stories to tell of someone you haven't met yet. They may tell you of a sudden outburst of anger they displayed one day at their housekeeper. What they don't know, is that the housekeeper is getting paid good money, and not performing her duties. Maybe she was telling her for the fifth time that the rugs needed to be vacuumed or the laundry had to be done. It doesn't justify her actions, but she may normally be a very sweet, caring, and thoughtful person. If you based your idea of what this person was going to be like, and yet faced a kind, considerate woman, you would have defeated her before you even met her.
What if a new co worker started at your office, and you were out of town and hadn't met her. When you got back to the office, you were bombarded by others telling you their opinions and perceptions of who "Mary" was. Oh, she wore way too much make up, her heels were too high, her skirts were too high, her hair was too long for a woman of her age, she was snippy and conceited, and she didn't like to talk to people. Then one day, you had the occasion to sit next to her at lunch. You both talked, found you had similar likes and dislikes, and beliefs in life and religion, and started having lunch together every day. If you had listened to what others said, blindly, without finding out for yourself, you would have defeated her character before you even met her.
A new neighbor moves in down the street. You had to work, but all the other girls had a luncheon for her. They were quick to tell you all her oddities and her calmness and quiet disposition. They also saw her anger and motivation when she was passionate about a subject. She didn't believe in the same concepts they did, and they were uncomfortable around her. You invite her to your home for lunch the next week, and she is bright and opinionated and stubborn and passionate and kind and caring and selfless and hostile at times. She is so very similar to yourself! You get along great, and become good friends. If you had listened to the other women, you may have defeated her character before you got a chance to meet her.
We all have our two sides, and someone else's perception of us might just be that, "their" perception of us. Another person may have a different point of view. To blindly defeat someone's character and personality and inner being, simply on the opinions of others, is being disloyal to another human being, and may also not be the whole truth. The interpreter may have a perception that is totally off track. To agree and trust that your ideas of someone you have never met, are indeed, the truth, is to be fooling yourself, and not giving yourself the credit you would get by investigating who this other person is before judging them, and believing what you hear. That is to defeat them before you meet them.
I remember one of my kids not wanting to get a certain teacher, and getting just that teacher, and telling me how cool he was, and how much he helped them, and they did really well in that class. Their friends had all told them how strict he was and perfectionistic and logical, all the things my child is. They worried all summer for nothing. They didn't take the time to wait until they could give this teacher a chance. When they did, it worked out well. Their friend's perceptions and theirs were different, that's all. All of our perceptions are different, that's why we shouldn't rely on one person or a few people telling us things we have no way of knowing are true, except for believing their words. When we blindly listen to others, we let them make our minds up for us, and we have no control over our own thoughts. We have no thoughts of our own at the moment, since we haven't met the other person.
To simply adopt our friend's point of view is giving away our own individuality. It may feel safe, but it's stifling and weak. We should have more strength that that, and more integrity. We deserve the right to find out for ourselves how someone thinks and why they've done things they have, and make up our own mind about whether or not their character and ours can mesh. I know I'd appreciate someone not defeating me, before they meet me.
Susan Thom is the mother of three children, two sons, 18 and 22, and a daughter 24. Writing calms her, and gives her a place to go by herself! Clears the head and gets it out. She lives in a rural area, with a lake and mountains, and her partner, and has loved writing since she was a child.
She certainly hopes you enjoy her take on life, and her style of communicating that in stories.
She has been on a journey of self discovery for twenty years, and has learned many things about the human mind, and how to maintain some semblance of calm and peace within.
If someone reads one of her stories, and relates to her feelings, and maybe gets a suggestion on how she dealt with them in a positive way, that would be the ultimate gift of her writing.
» left by Teresa Ortiz(12,284) Teresa Ortiz (1 year 106 days ago.)
Hi S, This story reminds me of a good friend I had in high school. Our freshman year, she hated me, I coould neve figure out why since she hadn't known me at all, (I wouldn't have blamed her if she would have given me a chance first), Anway, our schools slpit Sophmore year and she didn't have the same friends, so we chatted one day and quickly became friends--at the end of the year, she wrote in my year book how sorry she was that she let others make her decision for her, she said she didn't see me as the others did. WOW! I would have loved to have shared this article with everyone back in high school, but unfortunately, this isn't just a high school game. Thanks for pointing of some things that we all need to remember. Good friendships are wasted because of the kind of attitude you are talking about here. Blessings, T
» left by sue thom (1 year 106 days ago.)
hi t,
thanks for reading and responding.
i never could understand how someone could just take the opinions and words of others, without first finding out for themselves, unless that person was one to be trusted to the t :)
best wishes to you,
sue
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