My wife and I just celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary. I realize this doesn't make me a marital expert, but I do believe I have some small bit of insight into how marriage should--and does or does not--work. For years I thought the way my wife and I handled some of our issues meant we weren't like most married couples, as the popular marital tips just didn't seem to work for us. Like, "You're too young to get married." Well, 20 (my wife) and 19 (me) may have seemed young, but it didn't guarantee a marital breakup. I know people who waited until their late 20s or even early 30s to get married, and that didn't prevent them from getting a divorce. And if waiting until you're older guarantees a successful marriage, then those who get married after divorce shouldn't have any problems because they're older now. Right? RIGHT??
But I digress. Over the years all of us have had well-meaning friends and relatives share their insights into what can make and/or break a marriage. Now it turns out that many of these truisms may not be so true after all. Author Sarah Mahoney from Good Housekeeping magazine examines our more popular beliefs on marriage, and shares the "new rules" for staying happily married.
Old Rule: Never go to bed angry. Sorry, I never followed that one. Neither did my wife, probably a lot less than I did (she can hold a grudge much, much better than I can). Conventional wisdom says that if you don't resolve conflicts immediately, you'll harbor resentment and anger that will eventually lead to further fighting. Don't tell that to Dr. John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. "Often, nothing gets resolved - the partners just get more and more furious." When people are overwhelmed by emotions like anger, they experience what psychologists call "flooding," a physiological response that leaves their hearts pounding and their concentration shot, to say nothing of their ability to resolve arguments fairly or amicably. So what's the better solution? Waiting until you've had a chance to calm down and discuss issues rationally. You're not ignoring your problem; you're putting it off until you can more effectively deal with it. So out with the old and in with the New Rule: Sleep on it.
Old Rule: Growing older means you grow apart and fall out of love. I've heard that one before, especially from people who ended up getting divorced. The phrase itself is an oxymoron. If you "grow" apart, something that happens slowly, you can't "fall" out of love, something that happens quickly. As we grow older, we grow as people. Changes occur in our likes, our beliefs, our personalities. Staying in touch with each other as we age ensures that we grow closer, not farther apart. Marital bliss isn't always about feelings. Most of the time it's about choosing to do what's necessary to maintain and improve the relationship. New Rule: Growing older together means both spouses work hard to grow closer and stay in love.
Old Rule: As you get older, sex becomes less important in a marriage. Excuse me a second. *hysterical laughter* Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes. Some would have us believe that older people don't need sex, don't even want sex. Really? And what about all those Viagra ads? Who are they for, the 20-something crowd? Aside from procreation, sex was designed as a significant part of what helps keep a marriage together (society's cavalier attitude that sex is for anybody-anywhere-anytime has changed the original design, but that's another story for another time). Sometimes you want less, sometimes you want more. Sometimes the urge comes on you like gangbusters, sometimes it has to be coaxed and coddled. But it's still there, and it's still good, and anybody who tells you otherwise is just a young punk who's jealous that old people not only still want sex, they know how to make it work! And no, this is not just the male point of view speaking. Studies show that women who have gone through menopause report their sex life is on track, and in some cases better than ever. New Rule: Sex is ALWAYS important in a marriage!
Old Rule: Empty nest means the end of the marriage. When our younger daughter left home, we were told by many people, "Oh, you'll miss them! You'll be so lonely after they're gone!" My wife and I both agree now that this is a lie straight from the pit of Hell. We love our children dearly, but with it just being the two of us, we've found our schedule is based around us, not the kids. And how selfish is that? We go where we want, when we want, and we don't have to worry about upsetting the schedule if we do a last-minute change (which we do much more often than we used to)! New Rule: Empty nest means new freedom in the marriage.
Old Rule: Every man has a midlife crisis. You can spot the poor guy a mile away. He's got a combover that doesn't even come close to hiding that growing bald spot. The shirt is unbuttoned halfway down to a protruding paunch, while gold chains around his neck try unsuccessfully to hide the graying hairs on his scrawny chest. He's got the keys to a shiny red sports car in one hand and his daughter holding on to the other...no, wait, that's not his daughter, and it's definitely not his wife! Please. This stereotype exists mostly on television and in the movies. While some men do go a little overboard, each of us, both men and women, reach a point where we realize we're not immortal, we're not invulnerable, and we're not getting any younger. The time spent reexamining our lives, deciding what's important and what's not, and rearranging our priorities, some are now calling "reinvention". But the changes being made are not clean sweeps and fresh starts; it's more like cleaning house and getting rid of the junk than buying a new house and getting all new everything. Making life changes at the midpoint not only brings new focus to the individual, it can breathe new life into a marriage. Being more in control of one's life is like looking through a once-dirty window after it's been cleaned. Everything looks new, clear, fresh--and that can include a spouse who is also changing for the better. Who needs an affair? New Rule: Every person goes through reinvention, and it's no crisis.
Frankly, I wish I'd known about the New Rules back when we got married. Some of our crises might have been averted, or at least toned down in severity. On the other hand, we are who we are because of what we've lived through. And as much garbage as we've had to deal with in our 32 years of marriage, I'd still ask her to marry me and be willing to go through it all again, because she's oh, so worth it.
