Over the years of our marriage I have been blamed for quite a bit of what has gone wrong. Actually I have been blamed for everything. My wife bases those accusations on the fact that it is always my fault when something is missing or breaks. She has extrapolated this fact into simply determining when anything is wrong, I did it. It isn't always the case of course. I remember once in 1981 that something ended up not being my fault. I have been proven innocent once again so now I wonder if I'm off the hook at being in charge of Fak family blunders, errors and omissions.
My wife went up to Chicago for a long weekend. Her mom was feeling poorly so she went with our son and I stayed home to finish out the work week. Now I had plenty to do but I decided to be a real good guy and I took a bundle of my clothes downstairs and placed them in the washer.
Although I rarely do the wash, I have enough acumen to work the washer's dials and thought nothing of my good deed at trying to help out my spouse.
When the load was done, I noticed there were a few things in the dryer so I took them out and placed them on the folding table. I then put my wet clothes into the dryer, turned it on and actually forgot about them the rest of the weekend.
Monday rolled around, my wife was back home, and I didn't give a moment's thought to the clothes until I came in later in the day and was met with a steely-eyed glare from Sharon.
"What did you do with the dryer balls?" I was asked. Being an ever so quick thinking smart ass, I replied, "I didn't know the dryer had balls. I thought it was a female dryer."
My wife then went on to explain we have two rubber balls in the dryer that roll around to fluff the clothes. They do the job of fabric softener and they have been in the dryer ever since she bought them until the moment I had anything to do with the machine.
Although this charge was circumstantial, I didn't help matters as I continued what I thought was a hot streak of good old Fak humor.
"Maybe we were robbed. There is a national dryer ball shortage you know. Should we call the police? How about offering an award in the paper for anyone having any information about our balls being lost?" Do you think America's Most Wanted' will take this case? "Were a few of the quotes that tumbled warmly out of my mouth.
Of course, this didn't help matters and we began another of those searches that the family often does when dad or husband has lost something of importance in the house. As I looked under couches and chairs, in kitchen cabinets, the tomato garden and toilets for the missing balls, I kept a running dialogue. I continued to lament that all I did was take a few clothes out of the dryer and put a load in. I didn't see anyone's balls and if I had I certainly wouldn't have touched them let alone purloined them.
My only out seemed to be to go to my ever faithful "Plan B". "Maybe they fell out and I didn't see them and Jackson, being a playful cat took them somewhere." I offered. My wife didn't buy that excuse as blaming Jackson has become a prevalent defense in my rhetoric. I imagine that is because I have blamed the cat for not taking the roast out of the freezer, not getting the garbage cans to the curb, and locking the car keys inside the car over the years.
I then decided to stop worrying about how to extricate myself from this crime scene by turning the tables. I asked my wife what was the last thing she took out of the dryer when she was in a rush to get out of the house and up to Chicago. It was my son's clothes and sheets and I bounded up the stairs to his room waiting for Sharon to follow me as a witness. I have to do that since over the years when I have found something I misplaced in a ridiculous spot, I have been known to plant it back where it should be and then remark how it always was where it was supposed to be.
Needless to say, those balls were in my son's laundry, rolled up nicely in a bed sheet. I was exonerated.
I'm not sure if this situation will change my being blamed for everything in the future but even so, it came at a harsh price. Jackson the cat has hired a lawyer and filed a "malicious slander" lawsuit against me. She has been quoted as saying that when she is done suing me, I'll be lucky to still have my balls, wherever they may be by then.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
Mike now offers a 26,000 word e-book on making money as a freelance writer for only $10.00 at this page. http://www.mikefak.com/id45.html
» left by Danny Davids(19,584) Danny Davids (1 year 143 days ago.)
Mike, I hope your wife doesn't think of you as a perpetual...no, I won't say it, I won't...oh, what the heck...Fak-up.
» left by Mike Fak(5,658) Mike Fak (1 year 143 days ago.)
Thanks Danny. I can agree with you. Did you know that over in Europe, my family has their own university. Yes, Fak U is very big in the Balkans.Thanks for stopping by. Mike
» left by Myla Madson(3,376) Myla Madson (1 year 143 days ago.)
Mike, Mike, Mike... Your lovely and patient wife would not have needed to blame anyone for the lost dryer balls had you helped her pack like a good man would in the first place.
Her mother taking ill was certainlly not the time for you to refuse to help her pack not only her things but your sons as well because I'm sure her mind was else where at the time and she was most likely in a hurry.
And then to write about the incident...how long have you been married? I take it she is like a lot of women and does not follow closely what you do for a living so long as the money keeps coming in?
I kid of course. Men are so rarely proven right that when it happens, we would'nt be surprised if you took a full page ad out in the New York Times to let the world know about it!
I'm happy for your victory because you seem a decent man. Spread the blame around a bit though for other infractions you actually do commit; you know, the kids, the neighbors, friends of your cats.
My ex blamed our cat for a multitude of things and the cat ended up burning the house down, I kid you not. I even wrote a story about it called, "water and electricity don't mix...since when?"
Maybe you should read it when you are not to terribly busy writing or doing laundry as it sheds some light on why we gals are always blaming you guys for everything that happens, even when it was actually me, uhh I mean the cat, that started the fire!
Love your stuff and I hope your wife's mom is feeling better. I noticed you were careful to point out it was your wife's mom like the two of you are not related in any way.
» left by Mike Fak(5,658) Mike Fak (1 year 143 days ago.)
Thanks MYla. I will check your work out. Mother-in-law is better. Claims its an ulcer brought on by her son-in-law have not been proven. Mike
» left by Laura (1 year 143 days ago.)
Mike, you realize that the only reason your wife lost the dryer balls was because her mind was distracted by fixing food for you to eat while she was away to keep you from blundering through the kitchen and losing your own balls. You should thank her for protecting you from your self even in a time where she was worried about her Mother. Wow, what a great and sacrificial wife to take the blame for it in the end when it was clearly your fault.
» left by Mike Fak(5,658) Mike Fak (1 year 143 days ago.)
Oh man. Even when it wasn't my fault I can see now that it was. I am not allowed to use a knife by the way. The scar is going away however. Mike
» left by Dianne Lehmann(5,523) Dianne Lehmann (1 year 143 days ago.)
Ah Mike, when will you men learn that you are to blame for everything! :) Loved! the story. My poor husband has suffered similar abuse, he doesn't always take it quite as humorously as you do. You made me laugh out loud. Dianne
» left by Lorrie Davids(7,396) Lorrie Davids (1 year 143 days ago.)
Mike, sounds like you and your wife have what it takes to make it in Reality TV! I can just see you with your own show. I even have a title: "Just the Faks" Let me know if it hits the airwaves!
» left by Mike Fak(5,658) Mike Fak (1 year 143 days ago.)
Sorry Lorrie but my wife almost can't bear to be with me in a grocery store let alone on a TV show. It would be a hit however except Jackson has an agent who is very hard to get along with. Mike
» left by sue thom from nj (1 year 142 days ago.)
hi mike, i become petrified wood when i hear, "where's the...?" because in my house, it always seems to be mom. then there's the constant looking, when i know i had nothing to do with it, but have to help in the search. i keep saying, "just keep everything in one spot!" yeah, right. thanks for a funny article, always good to feel cheerful,
best regards,
sue
» left by Mike Fak(5,658) Mike Fak (1 year 139 days ago.)
Thanks Sue. For years it was always mom tis or that unless something was wrong then it was Mike what did you do with. Glad you had a laugh. Mike
» left by Teresa Ortiz(10,985) Teresa Ortiz (1 year 139 days ago.)
Hi Mike, once again you had me laughing out loud. And I really needed this precious tale with this debate contest going on. Thanks for the well-need and much loved change of pace! Still laughing.... Blessings, Teresa
» left by Roschelle Nelson(497) Roschelle Nelson (1 year 124 days ago.)
this is absolutely priceless. You have a true gift and are an asset to Searchwarp. Thanks! Tell Jackson to go easy on you. lol!
Disclaimer: All information on this site is provided for informational purposes only! By no means is any
information presented herein intended to substitute for the advice provided to you by any health care or other professional
or organization.
tweet this!
