Everyone has been in a relationship that for one reason or another ended badly. There are relationships that end due to poor timing, differences in fundamental core values, and basic incompatibility. Toxic relationships are deemed as such because they have a very negative affect on one's emotional and physical health. Several recent studies have concluded that over time the effects of hostility and excessive conflict can contribute to a sharp increase in health problems, including heart attacks (American Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, 2007). If you are in relationship with a high level of conflict, you may be at increased risk for stress related health problems.
Are you in a Toxic Relationship?
1. Your partner belittles your accomplishments, or is overtly critical of your thoughts, actions, mannerisms, style of dress and even your family members. Your partner may be chronically angry or moody. This is a way to gain power and control by putting you down. Don't rationalize this very toxic behavior.
2. Your partner suffers from excessive perfectionism. You find that you are always striving for perfection that falls short of his/her expectations. This can become a power struggle about anything from making the bed to your sex life. If you frequently worry about whether or not you are good enough for your partner, stress of this type can be very toxic to your overall sense of well-being. Do you really want to spend your life worrying about how well you measure up to someone whom you can never seem to please?
3. Your partner abuses drugs or alcohol. This is a major deal breaker. You won't ever get away from this problem unless your partner has a real commitment to their recovery with a MINIMUM of 1 year of clean and sober time. If you are in a relationship with someone who refuses to get help for their problem, you need to seriously consider leaving. Without professional help, you will live a life of chaos and drama that will always center on your partner's drug/alcohol problem. You will lose your sanity and your sense of self to this person's problem.
4. Your partner is a bully either verbally or physically. Don't walk..run! Your partner needs help, and most likely, you do too. If you are in a relationship with someone who is hurting you either psychologically, or physically, seek professional help immediately.
5. Your partner is addicted to internet pornography. This is a way for someone to opt out of interpersonal relationships altogether. You will be living with a phantom who may appear to function normally, but is completely checked out. Living alone may be preferable to living with someone who does not have the capacity to be fully engaged with you.
6. Conflicts and misunderstandings never have a resolution. You could argue for hours over nothing. A partner who is interested in maintaining a high level of control over your life wants to keep you off balance. A high degree of conflict, with little or no possibility of resolution, is a way to keep you off balance.
7. Your partner is secretive and frequently disappears. If you have someone in your life who checks out from time to time without an explanation, you need to ask yourself what is really going on with this. Usually people who keep secrets have very good reasons for doing so. Do you really want to be around to find out what it is? It's almost guaranteed to make you unhappy when you find out the reason.
8. Your partner is unreliable and frequently breaks promises no matter how small. You can't plan a life with someone who will not be accountableplain and simple.
9. Your partner has a lot of unfinished business with an ex-spouse, lover, or children. This is a tough one. You may think you have met your soul mate if only the timing were right. There is a difference between unfinished business and dealing with the fallout from a divorce or separation. If he/she has children, what is the quality of those relationships and how important are they? If your partner is not paying child-support, visiting his/her children, or not making them a top priority, this is a serious character flaw that will not be made better by time.
10. Your partner lies to get what he/she wants. A liar is not likely to change. Overt manipulation, or lies by omission, are clear indicators of poor character and a self-serving and exploitative approach to interpersonal relationships. You will spend all of your time trying to be a private detective to uncover the truth. Don't bother.
If you are struggling in a dead-end relationship that is harmful to your physical or mental well-being, seek professional help and guidance. A good relationship will enhance the quality of your life, rather than diminish it. No relationship is worth jeopardizing your spiritual, physical, and emotional health.
Leslie Miller, MSW, is a psychotherapist in the Boston area. She attended NiagaraUniversity for a BA, and later attended FordhamUniversity for her Master's Degree in Social Work. Ms. Miller is an Independently Licensed Clinical Social Worker (Massachusetts) and has worked in many treatment areas including: family/marital counseling, family, children, adolescents, mental health issues, workplace issues and addictions. Ms. Miller is the founder of www.therapyontheweb.org for online counseling help.
» left by Suzanne from Little Rock, AK (142 days 10 hours ago.)
I found this article extremely helpful as my spouse possesses a couple of these characteristics. This article cemented the fact that I need to address these issues. Thanks you.
» left by Dianne Lehmann(2,700) Dianne Lehmann (137 days 10 hours ago.)
Hello Leslie. A good friend has finally left her husband of 21 years. He displays many of the points that you covered. She stayed with him all this time because of financial insecurity. But now she is taking it one day at a time and making a new life for herself.
She says she feels guilty for leaving. I told her not to, that she didn't leave to hurt him. She left to make her life better. And besides, he wants her to feel guilty.
I will send her the link to this article. I think it will help her to put it in a better perspective.
Thank you for writing it.
Dianne
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