Submitted by: Susan Thom(8,330) Susan Thom Log in to become a member of Susan Thom's Fan Club!
How many times do we say "I don't care" in a lifetime? How many times do we actually mean it? Why then do we say it? What draws our attention to those three words? "Do you want another piece of cake?" "I don't care." Well, either you do care but you don't want to seem like a glutton, or you really don't care one way or the other, but I think that's rare. Either you care to, or you don't care. "I'll leave you if you don't fire your sexy secretary." "Go ahead, I don't care." Now, is that the truth? If it isn't, why do we say it? Do we want to see what it would really be like for our husband or wife to leave us? In some instances, yes, we really don't care, but again, I think there are many more times that those little words are said without conviction.
Could they be a form of protection for our true feelings? Are we so upset that it throws us into a panic mode, and we respond without thinking? Do we not want the other person to hurt as badly as we are? Those words almost never end up meaning what they are intended to mean. "If you don't stop nagging, I'm going to go for a walk." "I don't care." Are you sure? Aren't you lonely, wanting things to be okay so you can have a quiet conversation with the person you love being with? So where does "I don't care from?" You do care! And you are sabotaging yourself by saying you don't, as soon as they walk away and you're left alone. And you know it. "Why did I say that, I could be sitting here with my companion?"
You said it because they hurt your feelings and you wanted to hurt them back, but that always backfires. Instead, it is so much better to teach ourselves how to communicate in a better, more productive way. It takes time if we are unfamiliar with conversing rather than protecting. It takes a lot of willpower and an almost analytical process to change the way we think and respond, but it can be done.
We can start to work it out in our minds. "What could I have said and done that would have yielded better results? I could have kept my voice at an even level, I cold continue to look like me, and not an alien with a grudge. I could say what's really on my mind." Once these thoughts start circling, it's time to try them out. The results should be good communication. And with each argument avoided, the practice helps for the next difference of opinion. The relationship becomes stronger, and harsh things aren't said out of anger and fear.
They say everything stems from fear, whomever they are. This concept was talked about in a twelve step program, and at first, I didn't quite understand it, but as I heard more and more examples about it, I came to believe. What are we afraid of? Are we afraid someone is going to leave us, so we treat them with anger for hurting our feelings? This fear alone could actually cause a break up that wasn't necessary, had there been communication instead.
Once we can express how we are feeling, in a calm way, with a calm manner about us, we won't be saying things like, "I don't care." Not only do we feel we are being hurt by others, but we are hurting ourselves. Communication is always better than saying, "I don't care." Especially when you both know you do! What is it that we really mean by saying, "I don't care?" Is it because we are tired and we just don't want to be bothered? Do we think we're being threatened, so we hold our ground? Do we simply not know the right words to describe how we're feeling? Are we just tired, and don't want to get into a word game?
Suppose we tell our child to take out the garbage and they start back talking about it in their obvious laziness. You tell them if they don't do their chores, they won't get to use their computer for a day, and they answer back, "I don't care." It's stupidity, first of all, because if it is taken away, they'd be sorry, so they do care, and things would work out better if they had just said, "Mom, I just want to finish this game, and I'll take it out."
Why instead does, "I don't care" pop right out of our mouth's? We can train our minds to say what we are feeling in a concise and precise way, and avoid many negative reactions to our impulsive "I don't care." Mom says, "If you don't clean up your floor in your room, I'm throwing everything out." "I don't care." Well, that's pretty stupid. You've got your gaming system on the floor, your cell phone, your favorite sweatshirt, and your ipod. Do you really want them thrown out? Or could mom give you a little leeway and say, "Before the night is over, please clean everything up off your floor." If the answer is "okay," there won't be any problems, and you'll have your personal belongings.
"If you don't take your papers off the dining room table (after asking 5 times) I'll throw them in the trash. "I don't care" What are you nuts? Of course you care, those papers are your History report you worked on for hours. "If you don't smile for this picture, I'll keep taking them." "I don't care." Now, if you don't want to smile in one, why wouldn't you care about taking several? It just pops out automatically, and then our brains freeze when we realize what our consequences may be. We don't think, we just blurt out the first thing that comes to our minds, "I don't care!" It is an impulsive and compulsive phrase. And oh, so contradictory.
I try to say what I'm really feeling, with experience behind me in the results of the "I don't care" remark. I don't like that whole deal. You have to apologize and get to the right stage of your relationship again, whether with a partner, a spouse, a child, co worker, boss, anyone. It's even an annoying phrase when you ask someone what kind of sandwich they want, or soda, or cake, or ice cream, or infinity, and the answer is "I don't care." Hey, wake up again, life is calling. Make up your mind, and use it to say, "Baloney and cheese on rye with mustard and a pickle, or a coke, or chocolate, or rocky road.
"I don't care" can be a simple annoyance, or in more serious times, it might be a phrase that causes you great pain. "If you don't stop getting drunk and nasty, I'm leaving you." "Go ahead, I don't care." Really? Obviously, something is bothering you enough to try and escape it's clutches, and now you want to be alone?" A hermit with your booze? A divorce over intoxication? When we were told not to cry when we were upset over something when we were growing up, we were then automatically not allowed to express our emotions and feelings.
How then should we be expected to know how to express them as adults? We have to learn through our experiences, and use the mind God gave us to figure out more adequate words for what we are experiencing, besides the old, "I don't care." Think about how many times you are guilty of the "care/less" words, which is really what you are saying with those words, and in certain circumstances, those three words may bring a lot of pain and heartache. Better ways of communicating are the key, and not answering before you've really thought your response through would be very helpful to the quality of your life.
Susan Thom is the mother of three children, two sons, 17 and 21, and a daughter 22. Writing calms her, and gives her a place to go. By herself! Clears the head and gets it out. She lives in a rural area, with a lake and mountains, her son and her partner, and has loved writing since she was a child.
She certainly hopes you enjoy her take on life, and her style of communicating that in stories.
She has been on a journey of self discovery for twenty years, and has learned many things about the human mind, and how to maintain some semblance of calm and peace within.
If someone reads one of her stories, and relates to her feelings, and maybe gets a suggestion on how she dealt with them in a positive way, that would be the ultimate gift of her writing.
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