How to Become God in Five Easy Lessons

Let’s face it. We all want personal success. The top job.

Every greedy, lying, cheating, no-good, corporate bastard vice president or politician….wants to move up. You know. The kind who would steal fifty dollars off their mother’s bureau drawer while her back was turned.

A person who would embezzle their own company. Or deceive Congress.

Bah! Small potatoes.

What would you say if I could show you in my new CD software package……how to reach the real top, the very top…?

How to become God in five easy lessons.

Yes, you heard right.

How to become God!

God!

I’ve made it easy for you on my new CD package.

You can’t screw up because it’s all laid out in simple steps.

With the right attitude, you too can be as much of a deity as you want.

First, I show you how to speak in a low voice that’s appropriately God-like. If God spoke in a high-pitched, shrill obbligato, like some frustrated, undersexed librarian…you think anybody would listen?

I show you how to emit words low from your diaphragm……and how to make Biblical-like, ponderous statements that command respect, attention…..and fear.

For example, (say it in a low, booming voice). “It is for you, Jonathan, to begat more children to populate the earth. Begin with your voluptuous office assistant Raquel. The one from whom you sit across the table at sales meetings. The one whom in your mind you often dream about smiting, conquering in bed, but are too afraid to ask. Fear not! Begat! Begat! All you can."

Some of the techniques are ridiculously simple. Like going to a novelty store and purchasing cheap glitter to sprinkle in your hair.

Want to put a nagging wife who doesn’t appreciate you in her place?

You can do it with my new kit. At first, she’ll doubt that you’re God, having lived with you for ten years. But after just ten days of putting my instruction into practice…..she’ll lick your feet, and beg to worship your golden sacred staff (golden paint is included).

She’ll plead for divine intervention..of any kind. Sex. Chastisement. Waiting on you hand and foot.

Talk about a life affirming change.

Your abusive boss will be so terrified of you, he’ll beg you to take a raise in salary, and will insist that you only come in to the office to pick up your checks.

Nothing in my new kit has not been tried out personally by me…with success. For example, never let your spouse or co-workers see or know that you go to the bathroom. God does not poop.

Either hold it in, or do like I have, tell your wife you’re going to collect firewood…and go out into the woods and do it (take toilet paper).

After only two weeks of seeing that you never go to the bathroom, people will come to accept that, you’re God.

I also show you how to make seemingly accurate predictions of the future, that, like fortune telling machines at the county fair, are sufficiently vague enough to never be wrong.

Believe me, this is a real art form.

It’s all here for you. For just $79.95 you get the CD, instruction booklet, gold paint and glitter, plus a new addition. Twelve ways you can use your new on-high condition to defraud the government of state and federal taxes.

Order today (coming soon to eBay).