As a pastor whom has been called upon to provide biblical counseling to people through the years I am still frequently amused by the questions that are brought my way. Such was the case when I was recently approached by a young couple that I have been counseling for some five years now. And after hearing the young man's question it occurred to me that there are probably numerous husbands that have asked the same question. "Is it OK to lust after my wife?"
Christians have been taught since the time of Christ that lust is a bad thing. And to the extent that an individual lusts after things that are not his, this is true. However, in our Christian wedding vows we use such phrases as, "Forsaking all others and cleaving only unto her" and "To have and to hold."
If we think of lust as the desire to share sexual intimacy with our spouse, the woman that we love, our partner and our friend... then there is no sin involved. However, if we think of lust as the freedom to exploit our spouse, if we think of them as just physical objects and fail to take into consideration their feelings and desires, then it is sin.
The problem frequently arises when the husband is filled with a desire to have sex with his wife but she is not in the mood. If the man persists, against his wife's objections, then he may reduce his wife into thinking that she is nothing more than a whore or a cheap lay. It is the mutual desire for one another that ignites the spark of passion.
In any event, if we think of "lust" for one's wife as the desire to express love through sexual intercourse, then it is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Neither should the wife provoke feelings of guilt in her husband because of his desire for his her.
But, what does the Bible say about these things?
The Book of Proverbs gives us a perfect example of the difference between healthy sexual desire for one's wife and lust...
Proverbs 5:18-20 (NIV)
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer-
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?
Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?
Solomon, the author of Proverbs, encourages the husband to direct his "lust" towards his wife when he says "may her breasts satisfy you always". Not sometimes, not once in a while, but always. The husband should find delight in the physical desirability of his wife. Solomon also draws a distinct connection between sex and love with the words, "May you ever be captivated by her love."
Solomon, further delineates between the appropriate sexual desire a husband should have for his wife and the inappropriate lust for another man's wife. The sexual desire is essentially the same, however it is the conscious direction of that desire that differentiates between what is right and what is wrong, between what is sin and what is not sin.
Solomon encourages the husband to direct his "lust" towards his wife when he says "may her breasts satisfy you always". Not sometimes, not once in a while, but always. The husband should find delight in the physical desirability of his wife. Solomon also draws a distinct connection between sex and love with the words, "May you ever be captivated by her love."
Solomon had much more to say about love, desire and sex, and he wrote about it in what is perhaps the most romantic, passionate and graphic description of desire from antiquity, the Song of Solomon...
Song of Solomon 7:6-8 (NIV)
6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
O love, with your delights!
7 Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
8 I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
Does this sound like there is just a little desire going on? You betcha! The groom in this story is, to use a modern expression, lusting after the bride. He wants her. He wants to have her. He wants to make love to her. He doesn't want to just climb a palm tree. This intense desire that the man has for the woman is not only normal, it is biblical. It is part of God's plan for a husband and a wife.
Solomon uses even more expressive metaphorical language throughout the Song of Solomon that can leave no doubt but that these two lovers had a burning desire to consummate their relationship. This desire is not something that is to be snuffed out after the honeymoon. The desire and romance should be nurtured and pursued and appreciated.
As husband and wife two individuals belong to one another. Their "lust" for one another is not only permissible but helpful to sustaining a long and happy relationship. The Apostle Paul addresses this issue when he states in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NIV):
4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
The key to controlling "lust", according to Paul, is the understanding that a husband and wife belong to one another. They each put the other person first. Making love is a matter of mutual desire, as is the decision to refrain from sexual intercourse. Yet, there is also the understanding that abstinence may cause temptation to your partner, and this can only happen when one partner does not make any effort to fulfill the needs of the other.
So, is it OK for a man to "lust" for his wife? Yes... when she "lusts" for him right back!
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