So many of us struggle with this and Julie Ellis shows you how to overcome the pitfalls.
Constructive feedback is a nice way of saying that you're going to criticise someone and you want to do it in such a way that they listen, take notice and from now on do exactly what you want them to.
People are people and they don't like to be criticised. So if you sound at all as if you are criticising, even in a cloaked, "nicey nicey" way, they'll react negatively. You know this because you can tell a mile off if someone is doing this to you.
First things first, take responsibility for your reaction to the other person. There's something about them that you're not sure about or don't like. Bearing in mind that someone else might not react to them in the same way that you do, you can see that it's your reaction to them that makes you feel negative. The truth is, they are just being them, despite the fact that you find them irritating (fill in your own reaction).
Here are the steps:
Preparation
Step One: Decide what it is exactly that you want to criticise. Make it specific and about their behaviour. Under no circumstances criticise their attitude because you have no idea how they are feeling, what they are thinking or what their objectives are and that will make them react negatively.
Step Two: Put yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine why they are behaving in the way that they are. Even though it doesn't look like it, they will have a positive intent. Think about how you think they will feel, think and react to what you have to say. Often this is the point where you'll think "Oh, oh, better not say it at all!" However, keep going as this is the only way to transform the relationship.
Communication
Step Three: Set a little context that you want to have a chat with them about something that could work better. Make it clear from the outset that the communication is about you, not them.
Step Four: Give the feedback. Give the specifics about what isn't working for you. Remember this is about you, not them. So tell them about what doesn't work for you rather than what they are doing wrong. Make sure you keep your voice tone low and drop at the end of each sentence. This should take the 'blamey' tone out of your voice. They will react negatively to a 'blamey' tone and get defensive.
Step Five: Say how you feel about it and how it impacts on you. You can include the consequences or outcome on you as a result of their behaviour. For example: "when your report is late, mine is late as well". If you are brave enough you could even tell them how it makes you feel. Whilst it will be the most uncomfortable route, if you can do this, it will create a stronger relationship between you both.
Step Six: Say what you want more of. Explain how you'd like it to be between you. This is a positive statement and will focus the other person on the positive future of your relationship. It will also send a hidden message that you care about them and about what comes next.
Step Seven: Ask the other person if what you are asking for is ok with them. If it's not, negotiate with them so that you end up with a win-win situation.
I encourage you to try it out, even if your communication is not as elegant as you would like it. Practice does make perfect.
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Julie Ellis from The Communication Training Company is an expert in communication effectiveness for professionals. You can find out more more by collecting a popular free report worth £67.50. To get "The Three Steps In Dealing With Difficult People" go to this link: http://www.thesecretofdealingwithdifficultpeople.com/
» left by Susan Thom(8,669) Susan Thom (137 days 15 hours ago.)
hi julie, this was a well written,interesting article that makes sens, and i am familiar with the logic, and no, it isn't easy, but if the steps you provided were taken, there would be much more harmony and understanding. thanks for sharing,
i hope you continue writing,
besr regards,
sue thom Respond to this comment
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