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Have you ever had that moment where you say to yourself, "If I had only known then, what I know now." ? What follows is a letter written to me from me. It chronicles a difficult time in my life, my son's autism diagnosis and the range of emotions I was feeling at the time. In the end it ends up being a letter of encouragement and understanding to my past self from current self.
July 8, 2002
Dear Sarah,
I was sorry to hear about your son. Autism?! What a blow that must have been. I know right now you are having a tough time adjusting and accepting the news. Wow, I just can't believe it. Your son seems so normal, maybe a little eccentric, but hey we all have our own little idiosyncrasies. Don't we?
I know the dreams you have for both of your children. They are wonderfully happy dreams. In your mind you saw your children growing up and doing all of the things that children do.....
Riding bikes, playing catch, running, tag, hide and seek, all of the wonderful, happy, yet mundane things that children do.
It was a dream of excelling in sports and school, popularity,
graduation, college, marriage and grandchildren.
I know you and your husband shared these dreams. You were never sexist in your dreams. If your son wanted to be in ballet, so be it. If your daughter wanted to play football, bring on the helmet. Gay, straight, it never mattered. These two little beings were your children and you would defend them until your dying breath if it came down to it. One thing your children would never falter in was the knowledge that they were loved unconditionaly. Your main concern was that they were healthy, happy, treated people with kindness.
You've been blessed with a couple of bright, intelligent and creative little people. You should be so proud of your daughter. The gifted program. That's truly great news! Make sure you congratulate her and give her lots of hugs and kisses for me. And your son. Oh my! He can read anything you put in front of him and his spelling skills are out of this world! I know that makes the news that you received today that much harder to wrap your head around.
I know it feels as if your world has been knocked off center, the gravitational force flipped and your planet turned upside down. But, think for a moment how he must feel. Alone, scared, heck he can't even make eye contact with you. People were always scolding him for not listening or working to his potential. They were always telling him to pay attention and look at them. The poor little guy can't even sit through the morning announcements at school because of the noise. At least now you have an answer for the behaviours that have caused so many problems. Perhaps now, others will be a little more understanding. In time, I'm sure they will. Most of them, anyway.
I won't lie to you, there will always be some that say he's just spoiled and that's why there are certain foods he refuses to eat, and why he screams at loud noises. Your mother-in-law will be one such person. Don't worry though. There will be others who will become heroes and help you all out along the way.
Life won't be easy for any of you. He is obsessive compulsive and he will become violent and fly into rages with no warning. He will be able to read at a college age level by the time he's in third grade, but will only be able to comprehend what he's read on a second grade level.
There will be times when he is lonely and he won't be the only one. He will have trouble making friends and along the way you will lose some of yours. You will find yourself on the verge of divorce more than once. Just remember to communicate with the old ball and chain. Cut him some slack from time to time. He is who he is and that can't be changed. And your daughter, try to remember she's going through all of this, too. She's not immune to the uncertainty. She's scared and worried. She places too much on her young shoulders at times. Don't forget to help her along the way also.
I know right now it seems that the problems that are facing your family seem insurmountable. Hold on, though, because they aren't. It will take time and patience, but eventually, you will come to accept what now seems so unacceptable.
You will find a place in the furthest corners of your heart for those original dreams you have for your son. Each day that dawns will bring new hopes and dreams. He may never be a doctor, lawyer or professional football player and you will learn to accept that. Really, you will. He is who he is. He will be what he will be. You will love him all the same.
You will find that you still have dreams for your son. Different dreams, but still dreams. Dreams of independance, acceptance and of understanding.
Love, hugs and kisses to all.
Love always,
Me
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