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I am writing to you to tell you not to leave our family. I know it's about 40 years too late but I really want you to know why you should have stayed.
After you left the house that night, after your big fight with Mom, it was like my sense of safety left the house with you as your car rolled out the driveway and rumbled up the street. Maybe you didn't know that you made me feel safe, but it's true. I never felt really safe again, especially at night.
Did you know that you took our family with you when you left that night? You did. You, Mom, us kids, we were a family and when you left, my family was gone. Mom couldn't be you, she tried, but she couldn't do it. Our family was an idea, a great, shining idea that made me happy, made me feel safe, and kept me warm inside. It was a complete idea when you were there, but then you left, and the idea was shattered, and I haven't ever found a reality to replace it.
Maybe you don't understand what I mean, in fact, I'm pretty sure you don't. It was like on Christmas, after we boys went to bed, when you and Mom would put out all of the presents and eat the milk and cookies and write a note from Santa for us to read in the morning; all of a sudden, only Mom would do that stuff if she remembered at all and if she had the energy left for it. It was up to my brother and I to put up the lights outside without you, and we weren't as happy about Christmas as we used to be. Truthfully, we weren't as happy about anything as we used to be. We missed you being with us. We missed you.
After you left, you didn't remember our birthdays sometimes and that hurt, and you didn't call, and that hurt, and you didn't come to visit when you said you would, and that hurt too. You married another woman and that hurt. You had girlfriends and I didn't know how to feel about that whenever I met them, but it was weird and it was uncomfortable, I mean, who were they supposed to be to me? They were important to you when I didn't feel like I was any more, because you left and you didn't come back and you were spending a lot of time with them, and almost none with me.
So then Mom started dating when she was convinced that you weren't coming back, strange men coming to the house, sometimes staying overnight too. I was confused, I didn't like it, I didn't feel safe. I didn't understand why Mom wanted another man: I didn't want another father. So then Mom got married and we would go to my stepfather's relatives for a Christmas party and that was so weird and us kids hated it because we felt like...well...like stepchildren, like outsiders, like we didn't belong. And we didn't.
Those people weren't our family and we weren't their family and everyone was uncomfortable because it wasn't right, but everyone played along until it was over for the year. And then we did the same thing with you and your wife, or girlfriends or wife's family, or whatever. I don't see any of those people anymore, haven't seen them since the last Christmas party I went to all those years ago. I hear about them when they get married, or have kids, or when they are sick and dying; I listen, but I don't care about them. They aren't my family. They're proof that my family doesn't exist anymore.
I guess that is what I really want to tell you. I'm still hurt by your leaving. I still mourn the loss of our family. I know my brothers do too, because they are still mad at you for leaving. They don't call you do they? They don't visit youwhy do you think? And you don't have one relationship with any of your grandchildren do you? You don't even know your great grandchild do you? And you surely won't know the one that is on the way. You left everyone, did it really make you happy?
Mom was so hurt when you left. The reason we were told you left is that you didn't love Mom any more. Is that true? Do you know what that meant to me? It meant you didn't love me. I mean, we were a family, love was as a family, I couldn't separate your lack of love for Mom from your ability to love me. I felt the same abandonment that Mom felt, the same loss of love.
You told me once that you left because you weren't happy. You told me that when I was about 35 years old over a beer after a round of golf. I wanted to shout at you, SO WHAT!, I WAS HAPPY! My family made me happy and losing it made me unhappy for a long, long time. You leaving didn't improve my life. Maybe yours got better, but mine didn't and neither did Mom's, or my brothers'.
I have wanted to say all this to you for a long time. And I know that you would not want to hear it, and since I still love you, I won't send this letter to you. I might send it to my friend though because he is thinking that he needs to leave his family to be happy. I have never been married but from my observation of lots of other people, the greatest happiness comes from staying, from suffering through the tough parts, the boring parts, the hard stuff, the lack of love, the unfriendliness, the arguments, and coming out the other side, being committed, simply being around to participate in all the strength and happiness of a family that stayed together. All the good stuff through the years including the births, the graduations, the marriages and even the deaths if God wills it. It becomes a love that grows and blooms over the years that can't be suggested or created by change, it only comes from steadfastness, from faith that you made a family with the right person even if that person for a time becomes unlovable or sick or depressed, or if the pressures of a family become so scary that you want to run away.
Happiness for me as a child was a whole family Dad. Take it from me, I haven't felt the happiness of family since you slammed your way out that kitchen door so many years ago. I wish you'd stayed with us, I often wonder how different my life would be today if you had. So I've finally had therapy and I'm patching up some of the huge holes in my life. But I've wasted a lot of time, and I'm too old now to start a family of my own, it makes me sad and lonely to think about it. But I'm going to be OK because I am finally facing all of the hurt instead of keeping it inside and hidden.
I can't believe that all of our pain makes you a happy man today. So what do you think about your decision to walk out on us; now that so many years have passed and so much pain has been lived out?
I know you're a good man, that you love me, that you would change your decision to leave if you could; because you told me that too, over the same glass of beer. You told me you were scared and you were immature and that you shouldn't have left. I sure wish you hadn't but I'm glad that I know you now, and I'm blessed to have you in my life today.
Love,
Your Son
Author's Note - I posted this here instead of my blog since my family doesn't know I post my blog articles here and my Dad reading this would serve no positive purpose. I posted it so that anyone with a friend who is thinking about leaving their family could share it with them if appropriate. Maybe it would help them to read about my experience of losing my Dad at age nine to a divorce. Anyone who minimizes the impact of divorce is ignorant and should look at it from the child's perspective. Anyone who justifies leaving by saying that kids are resilient and will bounce back doesn't know the truth; they just harden their hearts.
ML
Just a simple curmudgeon observing life in the USA. Cranky posts to his blog regularly at http://crankyblog.com.
» left by Avis Ward(11,376) Avis Ward (1 year 124 days ago.)
ML, you've done it now! I'm sobbing. This should be mandatory reading for every couple with children, whether married or not! Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I'm thankful with you for the blessing of having your dad in your life again.
» left by Missing Link(666) Missing Link (1 year 124 days ago.)
Sorry to make you cry Avis! I did it to send to my friend and it slowed down his departure by four months, but sadly he left his family.
Thanks, ML. I was okay not long after reading this article and disappointed by the end result for your friend and his family. Life sure offers enough bittersweetness, doesn't it?
» left by sue thom from nj (1 year 122 days ago.)
hi missing link,
this was a very powerful, emotional, well written account of basically, your whole life, and the affects divorce had on it. you explained it well, my three kids are going through the same thing now, and have for many years, since their father and i stayed together so we could both be with them. whether they think of the disassociation of their parents, or of the divorce, either way, their feelings are hurt, their safety net ripped, thier respect for each parent damaged, their trust gone, and everything else you said. no words of wisdom from me will help, and i know that. but, here you are, so i am hoping they can survive as well.
» left by Lorrie Davids(7,432) Lorrie Davids (1 year 122 days ago.)
ML, Man, your story tore at my heart. I have never had to endure the kind of hurt you lived through. Nor have I ever really thought about it...we hear kids are resilient and use that to justify our choices. I don't even know what to say. I'm glad you and your dad have a relationship, but I am saddened by your story. I hope and pray your friend, and any others contemplating walking away will think again about their decision. Thanks for sharing your heart. This can't have been an easy one to write.
» left by Anonymous (1 year 122 days ago.)
Thank you for your kind comments. I only published it so people might stop and think. I hope it will have the impact. ML
ML -- I can't respond because the tears are flowing to heavily; your heart screamed through your words; if I weren't virtual, I'd give you a tight warm hug. Maybe, just maybe, as you said, this can open the eyes of someone who is going through the same things - Thanks for sharing your soul with us. Respond to this comment
» left by Iris Taub from Parkland, Florida (1 year 114 days ago.)
It is sad that you feel that sending this article to your father serves no purpose. I disagree. I think he needs to hear how you felt all those years ago. As far as not fitting into the step families, my heart goes out to you as well. My son married a woman with a son who I immediately bonded with and since he was my first grandchild, he knows how special he is in my eyes.
I now have three other grandchildren and I don't feel any difference between him and the ones who were biologically added to the family. Yes, Marriage is tough and it does have it's set of up and downs. Obviously we don't know what kind of relationship your parents had and although I believe in trying to make things work, I also believe that sometimes it is better to leave if there is constant fighting. I also feel it is never too late to find happiness and as far as having children, you don't have to father a child to be a Dad. Good luck and hopefully you will find that someone special to share your life with.
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