This weekend we went up to the Waukegan area to visit family. Now although my wife and I are both Chicago natives, what we have seen happen to traffic and the lunacy of area drivers makes us wonder if we can ever move back home.
In the old days before families had a car for every person in the household, traffic wasn't that bad. Also in the old days, drivers weren't hell bent on risking life and limb to shave a minute off of their driving trip. That is obviously no longer the case in the windy city but I will wager this is also the case in every other large metropolitan area.
To start things off badly, the entire Illinois 294 Tollway is under reconstruction. Not several miles but the entire 25 or so miles that run from the heart of the western suburbs up to the northern outposts that consider themselves Chicagoland.
I just love the twists and turns construction gives a motorist. I also love the new lane markings that intersect and cross over the old that make a driver feel like they are in some kind of quick lane chicane, weaving and darting back and forth with concrete just inches from both sides of your car.
In Illinois there are strict laws about speed limits in construction zones and I would have been happy to have followed them if it didn't mean the death and destruction of my family.
I was just one of thousands of cars snaking through walls of concrete retaining walls and yellow cones. In front of my car were people going 65 in a 45 MPH work zone. Every time I tried to slow a bit, the car or truck behind me got so close to the back of my car that I couldn't see the cowl of their vehicle as it was obstructed by the rear deck of my tiny Oldsmobile.
The open highways up there are even scarier for a sane driver. In just one minute, I saw two cars decide to come into my lane behind me without signaling. They both swerved back just before they touched and I watched as a tiny Honda almost flipped from the driver's over correction.
Soon after that, a huge SUV came barreling up on my left at 85 miles per hour and not only cut in front of my car but ran over all five lanes to the right looking for a hole in the traffic to continue speeding along.
Not to make the moment any less harrowing, a pair of motorcyclists came up fast behind my car, did the splits and then re-converged in front of me as they zoomed in and out of traffic.
It was at this point that I told my wife and son that I feared we had somehow entered a video game and if we were in an accident there wouldn't be a "start over" button.
Somehow we survived the trip to the burbs but the next day as we returned home in relatively light Sunday afternoon traffic we still almost were killed by an idiot driver.
As we approached a toll booth, a motorist who failed to get into the correct lane to pay the toll, slowed to a crawl, I hit the brakes but as I looked in my mirror, I feared a woman behind me would not. Just in the knick of time her car slowed enough to not plow into me and she gave me a gesture as if to say, why are you slowing down. I pointed to the temple of my head and then pointed to a now stopped car in front of me and mouthed the words I am not proud of saying but that she deserved.
As she drove by, she had the gall to flip me the bird because I had decided not to plow the car in front of me out of her way so she could zoom on past.
As she cut hard and close in front of me, I did something I have found to help make my tensions lessen.
I placed my hand on the floor console shifter and pretending I was a pilot in an old World War 1 Sopwith Camel. I clicked off a volley of 50 caliber bullets into the back of her car.
I didn't feel any remorse as I pictured my shells shooting off her middle finger as she cried in pain.
I just wish there was some good way to have a tail gunner mount on the car for all the idiots who think it's safe to be within two feet of my car when we are going 65 MPH. Unfortunately, my wife won't let me paint little cars and trucks on the side door of the Olds. I could have as many downed idiot drivers by now as the Red Baron. It would only take one trip up and back to set a new record.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
Mike now offers a 26,000 word e-book on making money as a freelance writer for only $10.00 at this page. http://www.mikefak.com/id45.html
Hi Mike. You wrote this with wit and humor, but it's still obvious that this is a serious issue. Boy, I wish people would just slow down, ease off and let go a bit. Even in our small town, the traffic is beginning to take on some of the characteristics of Chicago. Thankfully, it isn't as extreme...yet. I'm glad you escaped your family outing with your lives intact!
» left by Mike Fak(5,747) Mike Fak (1 year 115 days ago.)
Thanks Dianne. I'm not sure what it is about getting behind the wheel of a car or truck but totally sane people seem to turn into idiots when they do. Mike
» left by sue thom from nj (1 year 115 days ago.)
hi mike, picture this: my partner and i in a small toyota camry, going 55, when he looks in his rear view mirror and freezes for a second. a bright yellow car is coming at us at 85 miles an hour, and ther's a car in the left lane. he can't go through us, maybe over, so my partner steered towards the shoulder, and by the time we stopped by way of an enbankment, our car had a flat tire, which a tow truck fixed, while the officer assured us our car was fine, come to find out, fine means to him, the frame was bent. not the end: the car was skidding on it's hood, did some 360's, all the windows blew out all over rt. 80 in the mountains, and i decide i have to go see if whomever is in the car is alright. there was some discussion as to whther that would be a good idea or not, but i had to do it. thankfully, as i approached, a young kid climbs out his shattered back window, completely fine, apologizing for going too fast. we then got a Durango, but let that go with the gas prices. i don't feel safe in cars! thanks for a good article, best regards, sue
» left by Mike Fak(5,747) Mike Fak (1 year 115 days ago.)
Nothing like seeing those vehicles come flying up behind you and then watching something bad happen. Ususally those drivers create accidents and often aren't involved. They just drive away as others must live witht their stupidity. Thanks Sue. Mike
» left by Roschelle Nelson(509) Roschelle Nelson (1 year 115 days ago.)
Hi Mike, this was a great article. It held my attention clear to the end. I think we've all experienced some of those same idiot drivers you guys had to deal with. Thanks for sharing in such a humorous way.
I drive like that because of my fear you will run into me on your bike as you have so many other vehicles in this town. Jim you are the only one who has their own page on the daily Police Report.
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