Finding someone to go out with is mostly a guessing game, where you try to figure things out as you go along. They should offer a class on relationships in school! Most people just go out with the person you like, start a relationship and hope for the best. You may get dating and relationship advice from your friends, but they are in the same boat. They lack knowledge and experience in having successful relationships.
So, what do you look for? It's important to look for the yellow flags vs. the red flags in relationships. Yellow flags are caution or warning signs to pay attention to. Red flags are serious warning signs and potential deal breakers. Here are some yellow flags and some red flags to help you decide to dig him or dump him!
Yellow flags:
He flirts with other people while saying he loves you and you are the only one for him. This is a flag because he says one thing and does another. This means that he may not be honest and stick to his word.
He is like a lost puppy that needs rescuing. If you rescue him, it may feel good to help him. But, what does he bring to the table for you? This is a flag because finding someone who needs so much fixing up is a lot of work, when the purpose of having a relationship is having fun and meeting your need for being social and close to someone.
He is reluctant to talk about important things, like birth control. Opening up is very important to any close relationship. Being closed is a flag because if he doesn't open up, then you won't know who he really is. Also, he may lack confidence and not fit into social situations with your friends and family.
He is overly critical or sarcastic. This is a flag because while negative jokes and remarks can sometimes be entertaining, the negativity feeds on itself and can be a major drain on your energy. Instead, look for someone positive who will lift you up!
He gives you little, but demands a lot from you. Giving and not receiving is a flag because you are putting him first, at your expense. Pleasing others hurts your self-esteem.
Your views and interests are so different, it is hard to understand each other and easy to get into arguments. This is a flag because if you are on a completely different page in your thinking and lifestyle, it is likely to cause you more problems than enjoyment in your life. Sharing interests is one of the best things about a relationship.
Red flags:
Your boyfriend puts you down or tells you no one else would want you. This is a red flag because someone who brings you down is insecure about himself and also hurts your self-esteem. Watch out for this one.
He won't respect your limits about how far you will go sexually. This is a major red flag because it shows that he is pushy and disrespectful, and that is not good, right?
He doesn't keep his word; for example he breaks plans with you to go somewhere with his friends. This is a red flag because he lacks commitment. He is selfish and looking for the best offer rather than caring about you and your time together.
He tries to keep you away from your friends and his friends, or seems embarrassed for your friends to mix and meet his. This is a major red flag because this behavior indicates that he is controlling and not including you in his life. You have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who does not value you enough to include you in his inner circle of friends and family.
He lies to you often. This is a flag because it someone who lies is not trustworthy. He may cheat on your or take advantage of you. Trust is a very important part of having a relationship.
He has a bad temper, punches walls, gets into fights. A bad temper is a sign of a red flag, because It's only a matter of time until he turns his hot temper towards you, and physical and mental violence is a deal breaker for any relationship.
He cheats on you. Cheating is a red flag on many levels. It is a sign that he is dishonest and disrespectful. This is someone to avoid, because deception shows that he has a poor character and also is potentially an unsafe sexual partner.
So with all these yellow and red flags in mind, what can you look for in your next boyfriend? I call them "Green Flags", positive qualities to look for in a guy. So think about what you want in a relationship. Look for someone you can have fun and be yourself with. Find a guy who keeps his word, thinks the world of you, respects your limits and treats you like a goddess. That's a good start. If you want to assess your entire relationship, take the Ultimate Compatibility Quiz, a new book available on Healing Couch or AMAZON.
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