Although my original audience was teachers, parents can benefit from this article. They can observe their children's teachers in action and apply these concepts to their own interactions with their children. In TEACHER as an OBSERVER I explain the importance of being a constant, careful, and compassionate observer of your class. A large part of that is becoming a good listener. (The teachers who have applied the concepts in these articles have constantly commented how they immediately improved their teaching, (
Like everything in teaching it means retaining a balance between listening carefully and giving each child a chance for you to understand how he sees the event or idea. It means not wasting your time listening or arguing as he constantly repeats the same self-serving defense or rationalization.
As a young psychologist and teacher I used to waste a great deal of time after every recess or lunch listening to my students' complaints about each trivial playground incident. I thought I was teaching them listening, speaking, and problem-solving skills. At times it was true, but too often it was just a manipulation on their part to delay the academic lesson. I fell for it often because I saw myself as a psychologist first, teacher second. Big mistake!
Although my taking the time to listen to their minor complaints helped my rapport with them, unfortunately it was encouraging them to continue to be dependent on me (the authority) to solve their problems. I learned to do two things.
I set aside a time, after school, when they could get my help to settle their problems. Or, they could write out the incident as they saw it, get their nemesis to do the same, and give it to me. I would respond as quickly as I had the time. (At times I used a shoe box in which they could place their problems and I would get to it as soon as I had a free moment. I always got to it though.) This eliminated most of the trivial problems or those in which they just wanted my attention or were trying to distract me from the next lesson. And, it didn't damage our rapport. I responded to all their complaints in a timely manner.
The most important aspect of real listening occurred when I implemented "earned time." While the students, even my first graders, were enjoying art projects, playing table games, or just talking, I would wander about the room listening to or talking with them or participating in their games. I learned many valuable things about their families, interests, hopes, and dreams, often different things than what I had heard during parent conferences. With their peers they spoke more comfortably, openly, and usually more honestly than in any other setting. I wasn't a spy, but I was unobtrusive and I was trusted. During this time I blended in as much as they would allow, but I also would joke with them or ask clarifying questions that helped me better understand how they saw themselves in different situations.
By talking, listening, and clarifying what they said I gathered many clues about their thinking and Learning Styles that I would not have discovered in normal classroom settings. It gave me insights that I used to help them. The rapport I developed made discipline problems much less confrontive. (Teachers write and tell me how this technique opened new avenues with all their students, but is especially successful with "problem" students.)
A boy was telling his group about where his dad had taken him the previous weekend. Another, working by himself, no father in the home, got misty-eyed. He had always frozen whenever I touched him. I saw his reaction and sat down next to him, put my arm around him, and commented appreciatively about the clay animal he was creating. I could feel the difference; he allowed me to comfort him. It was such a simple observation and gesture, but it was a major breakthrough in how well he did in class. After that I could tell him to stop doing annoying or dangerous things by a look or a quiet, "Please?"
With this extra rapport I could play and joke them out of many things I couldn't have done without it. Classroom life was much more pleasant, fun, and efficient! I spent much less time with minor behavior problems because they were either easily handled or didn't occur.
One of the most important characteristics of therapy is the therapist's acceptance of his patient. It comes from understanding and empathizing with him. My listening to my children enabled me to feel for and with them and I liked them better. Because I knew them more deeply in nonacademic school situations, it was easier for me to accept some of their irritating or antisocial behaviors during class. As these occurred I was less quick to attack them. I either ignored them or, with a look or quiet statement, got them to stop - and they even apologized sincerely for the disruption. These occurred less often and the intensity also diminished. They still were human and did "bad" things, but there was less need to act up as badly, so my reactions were also muted and more accepting.
Sometimes the children revealed things that now would place me in a position where I would legally have to report what I had heard. Now, I would advise them of my legal obligation, which would limit what they revealed. It would mean that some things are best either not said to everyone or that the children need to understand who are the proper people to talk to (like the police or social services) if they have a serious problem. They (and you) should know that listening and encouraging talking is not without risks, but they are small compared to the benefits.
Listening is not always easy because teachers tend to dominate discussions, even during friendly "chats." When I came into their groups or sat with a child I knew that my "authority" was or could be a problem for some. I knew I could intimidate them and take over the conversation, so I consciously encouraged them to speak by asking leading and open-ended questions so they would talk.
If, as was often the case, their opinions differed from mine, I would help them explore and think them through rather than offer my "solution." But there is a need for balance. At times, if I thought it was something important that could affect their health or safety, I would ask them if they wanted my opinion. I would then consciously try to educate and change their opinion. If a child had a grandparent who was "old" and smoked and he used this to "prove" that smoking wasn't harmful, I would explain with words and pictures why his anecdotal evidence was wrong.
At other times I might say I had a different belief about something, like ghosts or spirits, but I would not impose my opinion on them. I would watch their body language and voice and if the child got defensive, hurt, angry, or closed down I would apologize and back off.
I wanted my children to be able to express dissenting ideas in a logical, pleasant manner, but I knew that some things, like faith, do not always lend themselves to "logical" analysis. It is difficult to do when you see yourself as the authority on everything just because you're the teacher (or parent). However, that does not make you a good listener. A good listener does not let his ego get in the way of hearing what the speaker is trying to say. A good listener only interrupts because he does not understand what the speaker is saying and then he needs to ask the kind of clarifying questions to help the speaker get his message across more clearly. It is not easy to do.
Another good listening technique is short, extemporaneous speeches. They can be done during "dead" time such as just before dismissal or if a lesson was completed sooner than you planned, but there's not enough time for "earned time." These speeches lasting anywhere from thirty seconds to a minute would be on topics I picked or ones they selected. During these times children offered many revealing inner thoughts. Subjects have been as diverse as girls, parents, and pets to alcoholism and ways to bake a chocolate cake. It's been interesting to see that many of my academically weaker students were eager and excellent public speakers. The chance to excel in something like the speeches often transferred to better behavior and improved academic work.
Finally, during parent a conference is an easy and natural time for you to practice your listening skills. I know you are obligated to get the information your district expects you to impart to prove you are aware of each child's abilities, skills, strengths, and weaknesses. This can be done more thoroughly at the end of the year, but quickly in the first conference, which allows you to listen - and learn about the child and his family!
The object is not to let the child or parent ramble on about anything. You should have some written and open-ended questions that focus their attention on family history and dynamics (see my PARENT-CHILD-TEACHER INTERVIEW). As they speak and interact you will see many clues about how and why the child responds to you the way he does. During a conference one parent who had been very angry with me each time I had punished her child for getting into a fight or losing control, smacked him in the face for disagreeing with her. I was taken off guard by the quickness and viciousness of the attack. It definitely helped me understand why he had so little self-control and why he was so angry all the time.
I worked with him to develop ways to avoid pushing her into hitting him. Ideally, she should have been getting the help, but I had no control over her, except through him. As he got more proficient in dealing with her, his life got better and safer. He was happier and less trouble in class. If I had reported her to CPS, the chances are nothing would have been done or she would have been my enemy and would have taken it out on her child. I had that experience a few times when I lead an At-Risk program. Instead, she appreciated the changes in him and actually thanked me. She didn't like hitting him or losing control either.
The hardest thing about being a good listener is keeping your ego in control. When I first did therapy and my first years as a teacher during parent conferences I was so busy showing off my new insights and knowledge, I was not a good listener. Once I stopped showing off I found my clients, students, and parents all had much to say that enabled me to help them improve their lives. From then on I perfected my listening skills and became an increasingly effective learner - and teacher (and parent).
Practice these skills. Everyone will thank you.
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