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You often hear
struggling athletes say that they have to "go back to basics." After
years of repetition, it's easy to lose sight of the fundamentals they need to
stay on top of their game. Often they
need an outsider's perspective (i.e., a coach) to help them determine which
fundamentals they've been neglecting.
Many couples fall
into the same trap. There are many reasons why relationships lose their
footing, but often couples who end up in trouble lose sight of certain
relationship basics. And once those basics are forgotten, a formerly-solid
relationship is at risk for spiraling out of control.
Let's take a brief
look at some relationship basics. Some of these might sound familiar to you; to
keep your relationship healthy, it's often not a matter of learning new things
but holding onto tried-and-tested
wisdom.
Relationship Basics:
The 7 C's
1. Commitment
Commitment is about
hanging in there, for the good times and the bad. Commitment lets your partner
know that you are serious about the relationship; it's the foundation that
allows trust to develop and intimacy to flourish. Most importantly, commitment
allows you to place the relationship above your own needs at times.
2. Communication
You don't have to
become a chatterbox to effectively communicate. Simply check in with each other
once in a while. Find out if the relationship is working for your partner by
asking questions like: "How are things between us? Is there something you
need from me that you're not getting?" When couples stop communicating,
they become roommates instead of soulmates and might ultimately get their needs
met elsewhere.
3. Compromise
The most important
trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. ~Henry Boye
Relationships, even
the very best of them, are complicated and often challenging. Couples who know
how to get through the rough patches and still have fulfilling unions know how
to compromise. A competitive, "I need to be right" attitude is the
death knell to compromise. Practice give and take, and learn how to meet each
other half way.
4. Connection
Intimacy is all about
connection: emotional, physical and for some, spiritual. When you show your
partner that you are committed, and that you are working on becoming an
effective communicator who is willing to compromise, the basis for a deep
connection has already been set. Discover what makes your partner feel close to
you and communicate what you need in order to feel close to him/her. Not all
roads to connection are the same-become aware of and respect these differences.
5. Contribution
To be in a rewarding
relationship you have to contribute something. What do you need to bring to the
relationship table? You have to bring yourself
to the relationship. Intimate relationships involve risk and vulnerability, and
often couples begin to hide emotionally from each other when the relationship
doesn't proceed smoothly. This was evident with a couple I coached: The husband
was somewhat subdued with his wife but was "the life of the party with his
friends and other couples." He stopped bringing his sense of humor and
capacity for joy to his wife after five years of marriage. How do you
contribute to your relationship?
6. Companionship
Whenever I interview
couples who've been together for some time and are content with their
relationship, one thing continually stands out as important for these
successful couples: They are great friends and they like each other.
Frequently, couples forget to nurture this part of their relationship and the
cost for this omission is substantial. Friends often have similar interests and
engage in enjoyable activities together. Do you and your partner make a
conscious effort to play together?
7. Compassion
Kindness is the
language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ~Mark Twain
Compassion is the
ability to listen deeply and show sympathy and understanding to your partner. Couples
who practice compassion and kindness continuously feed love and send each other
vital messages of caring. You would think that it's easy for couples to shower each
other with compassion, but this isn't always the case. So often couples begin
to take one another for granted and stop behaving in ways that demonstrate unsolicited
kindness. As one husband recently said, "With all the stress I'm under, I
don't have the luxury of always being compassionate…" The assumption that
you need heaps of time or that you need to be in the "right place" in
your life in order to show compassion to others is not only incorrect, it's a
dangerous assumption. Make compassion a necessity in your relationship, not a
luxury. Weave it into the small acts of
your daily life and you won't even need to create extra time for it.
While there are other
important elements that go into creating a healthy marriage or relationship,
periodically re-visiting these seven basics will give your relationship the
tune-up it needs to stay vibrant and strong for years to come. For added
benefit, review these with your partner and see what your relationship
strengths are and areas that might need some extra attention.
To discover ways to
create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit LifeTalk Coaching
and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.
As a bonus, you
will receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple
your relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way
you argue…before your arguments control you."
Richard Nicastro,
Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping
couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife founded
LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples
strengthen their relationships.
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