There are many reasons , here is my story:
"I
was in an abusive relationship and stayed in for reasons that are very
clear to me, that said I was only in it for a couple of years but that
was still 2yrs too long.
The abuse was very
sophisticated thus I never saw the gradual diminishing of my self
esteem and confidence coming.
He played the victim card before the
abuse started. He had been abused, I was there to protect him and look
after him.
Then he convinced me he was the
only one who really cared for me and his behavior confirmed that. He
was very attentive and generous and always at my side. He was thus
ideal man material in between abusive episodes, more ideal than perhaps
none abusive men. THIS is what I believe keeps many women in abusive
relationships. When it's good it's very good and when it's bad it's
very bad. No middle ground.
Meanwhile, when the abuse started, I couldn't leave. I was looking after him remember. He needed me. He was a victim.
I was lucky, I got out before the final stage which is fear. Fear to
leave them. Fear you have no where to run, fear you will lose
everything, fear that no one will believe you, fear that you will be
blamed, shunned for breaking up the family, fear that he will come
after you and kill you.
I got out and stayed out when he pushed me too far and then his 'victim amnesty' card ran out.
It left me very shaken. I lost trust in myself to make sensible
decisions about people. It took a long time to get back to normal.
My advice is thus very harsh to people getting involved with damaged
people who play the victim card early. Stay Clear, be a friend but wait
till they are healed before you enter a relationship."
Women
stay in these type of relationships for many reasons and I believe my
short story above demonstrates a few of those reasons.
- Fear - personal safety, social rejection, financial loss, where to go next?
- A belief they they can help their partner and that they are needed
- A
great time between episodes, partner is perhaps otherwise a great dad
for example and the kids would be devastated if the family split up (no kids at that time in my case, but this may be the case for others)
- Love, you can love people who hurt you, we learn this with parents who are abusive.
- Diminished self confidence and self esteem, lack of belief they can survive on their own.
- Belief the person is all they have and the only one who really cares
If
you recognise yourself or anyone you know in this article seek advice
and talk to someone about it. There will be help/advice center for
victims of domestic abuse/violence in your area.
You may not be ready to leave your partner. You may not want people to think badly of your partner and so protect them by denying the problems to others and making up cover stories. I know, I've been there. You are likely a very good person and believe what you are doing is for their good and that your suffering is just a small hiccup on the way to you helping them recover from their pain.
Sadly this is often not the case. It is just a cycle of abuse and often these people can only really get help when left to their own devices to lick their wounds and seek professional help.
Love yourself and allow yourself to be free regardless of the pain you know it will cause them. You deserve a happy healthy pain free life.
