Much credit is due to my mom for my knowledge that I would not have accepted contraceptive help as a teen-ager, if it had been offered to me. My mom knew me very well and knew how to teach me.
For one thing, my mom knew that I did not like to be given directions in a direct way. Except for "Jane, set the table now. This is the third reminder!"...a sentence that did get me going, she taught in soft tones and brief sentences. She also enjoyed good, funny stories and told me quite a few.
I knew the lady that caught me under the covers doing math homework by flashlight and said, "Too bad. You'll have to go to school without finished homework" meant it. She knew I had wanted to see that movie the family offered earlier that evening. When she saw the flashlight (how did she know?), she knew I had lied when I said I had done the math.
In our house, there was no "checking of homework details." For better or worse, you were supposed to do it. You were supposed to answer honestly if a parent asked if it was done.
I honestly do not remember ever being yelled at, grabbed roughly, insulted, or demeaned in any way in my family life. Yet, I had a healthy respect and fear of my parents' disapproval. It came so seldom.
I respected them. They shared much with me. They let me in on adult problems of daily life. I am blessed to have the memories of many good things. My parents were not perfect, but I also got to see them grow, even though I came along in the family "late."
My lateness is part of what helped my mom understand me. "You could never be pushed," she said. So, she taught me a lot by stories. She would tell me about a neighbor who thought her daughter could do no wrong. Lesson: Jane, I know you can do wrong. I do not expect you to be perfect.
She also told me about a very spoiled son that was never disciplined, the "apple of his mother's eye." Lesson: Jane, you will be seen as you are, not as someone perfect. I'm going to help you through these years, but I do not promise you that it will be easy.
About sex, she told me very little. That fit with me, a dreamy kid. I preferred the surprise of a honeymoon. I am being serious here!
However, when I was dating one person for a while in high school, she said, "Jane, there is a point beyond which, if you go there, you can not turn back. And down the road, you will see that that was not where you wanted to go now."
You can imagine that hand-holding and a few simple kisses were my limit.
Have I ever regretted or thought I missed anything important? No is the true answer here.
I was able to respect myself and to do all I could to be sure I would get to college and finish it. I owe most of that to my dad who worked two jobs to make it happen and my mom who scrimped and saved and rented a room to nurses who worked at a local hospital.
I was able to learn a lot about a lot of different people of the opposite gender without wondering "Will this last? Am I pregnant? Will I regret this? Will this make me popular?" I even took some pride in not putting myself into situations that could tempt me or anyone else and make it easy to give in. That helped me become stronger.
We owe today's students, male and female, better than what they are getting. If there were an epidemic of teen thievery, would we give them a knife to make robberies go faster or a faster car so they could getaway in a hurry? Would we just give up and say,"Well, you know, the urge to steal from people is something these stressed-out, label-conscious teens of these materialistic times just cannot withstand!"
To me, that is a simple picture of what giving condoms or other contraceptives to teens equals...assisting them in doing something that endangers their view of themselves (behind their easy laughter that says, "I don't care!"), puts their health at risk of STDs, and their futures at risk due to pregnancy that happens with faulty condoms, forgotten condoms, and many other scenarios I don't need to describe.
I realize that stealing and sex are not equal. One is wrong all the time; the other is wrong if out-of-time. Yet, isn't there a type of stealing if taking something not rightfully yours to take, or giving something you should not yet give?
There is a time for all good things. For wonderful things, the waiting is worth it. The waiting guards the wonder to come.
We underestimate teens horribly if we think they cannot manage the hormonal urges of the teen years, which are no different from any generation's teen years!
I hope for teens to have respect for themselves. A sex-crazed culture that does not value the person, only a function of the person, is disrespectful. It demeans the individual, male or female.
The "culture" of course makes it more difficult to get the message or to stick with a good choice. But it does not make it impossible, for many teens are managing this difficult age and are even happy and well-adjusted as non-sex-participating teens.
The message of abstinence and waiting and self-respect can be delivered effectively, and best at home. Parents do want their kids to be liked, to have friends...but the best parents do not want that at any cost. My mom made sure I learned how to relate to people. I got a lot of lessons, too. She pulled no punches, yet knew what would be too much. She affirmed more than she corrected. She loved and respected me, and invested a lot of herself in me!
The result was that I had a secure home where I could explore many interests and shine in many ways there and at school. I had a great group of friends and we are in close touch many years later.
Why should parents, health professionals, educators, and teens be willing to give up so easily? Aren't teens worth more than that?
Do you think I would have shared all of this if I did not consider this matter to be important? It is of utmost importance that young people know how to grow up, to learn self-control when needed, and to make decisions before the tests of emotions face them. There will be no harm done to them if they abstain from sex until they are grown up. I hope until they are married.
There will be a lot of good done if they abstain during the high school years! Thanks, Mom! God blesses the memories I have of you and Dad!
Jane Bullard is a published author and an Internet writer. Her newsletter is Opinari Quarterly.
This author of this Article has choosen to make this article available with free reprint rights. Click here to copy this article.
Thanks for writing, Bob. You are so right about my mom, and she was classy
and fun, too. Thank you so much, on behalf of memories of her. ~Jane Respond to this comment
God bless you Jane. Only the "prudish and the old-timey" people talk as you talk in this enlightend(?) age. I wish there were millions more like you and your mom. This "sexual revolution" has (is) destroying many a life of decency.
Yet, they say the old fashioned way was bad. It worked, and there were many, many happy marriages. The present divorce rate and single parents prove the point.
Hi, Joel. I appreciate your comments. I sometimes wonder if any significant number of interested, wise, and responsible adults is on the job with their teens, as my mom was, and in-the-know as my dad was. I want to keep pushing back against any ridicule of all that is good for teens and anything that underestimates them and their potential. Those things are timeless.
Beyond the home, I am convinced there is a "social agenda" out there, and it is not pretty and it undervalues teens. Sorry to ramble... Thanks again! God bless you, too!
» left by Michelle Mackin from Lodi, CA (74 days ago.)
Jane, great article. I only wish that we had more communication with parents and children in their relationships. I have been one that is blessed by being able to talk to my teenagers and it has been wonderful. They all have their own personalities, grown up and living life on their own. I do however, still have my 16 (17 next month) at home and his friends and I always talk about important issues while feeling safe. They all agree that the schools should not hand out contraceptives and that isn't the schools responsibility. God bless you Jane. Oh yeah, I wouldn't give up the communication with them for anything.
Hi, Michelle, you are doing a wonderful thing with your kids. We cannot assure that everything will work out, but we can surely try to be there and help make some sense of things with them. I am very encouraged by the view from your house on this. All teens deserve a lot of moral support and you are giving them that at home.Thank you so much for your comment and all that you shared! Respond to this comment
» left by sue thom from nj (70 days 7 hours ago.)
hi jane,
this was a well written, interesting article. it's almost like the old saying, "hurry up and wait." the kids want the time to go by so they can have sex, but if they waited, they'd feel better about themselves in the long run. thanks for sharing,
Hello. First of all, I'm 16. Not giving kids contraceptives is fine, if parent's were better than they are. Unfortunately most of the people I know have been abused or neglected in some way. These people need to find acceptance and love somewhere, anywhere! And i they can't get a hold of condoms, well...too bad! I
m not sure whether schools should give handouts, but I am sure that there needs to be someplace we can get them. Besides, most people meet their "mates" at school, maybe we should provide protection in the same place?
Hi, Paris. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I understand the questions, and the lack of people to trust, for many teenagers. I believe that if others their own age as well as teachers and other adults can show teens their worth, things could change. It is sad to see teens think so little of the possible future they might have and the dreams they refuse to have...due to being left alone or ignored. There are many adults like my friends and me who do care. We want to be here for teens, to tell them "you can make it to a better future if you will start now and do the hard work." Many of us had to do that, or our parents did, facing more hardships than we. So, we know it is possible. I thank you so much, again,for writing to me. All the best to you, and I have high hopes for your determination and future. You sound like a bright and thoughtful young person. Thanks again. ~ Jane
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