Let your man BE himself.
Sounds like straight out of grandma's mouth -- old-fashioned, compliant, "un-liberated", not for the 21st Century woman.
But think about it.
If more and more men are saying the qualities they look for most in a woman are "strong, confident and independent", yet the reason many women today are having problems in their relationships is because (they say) men are intimidated by "strong, confident and independent" women, then grandma was onto something.
In fact the more I know, the more I am convinced that we women in "modern" society have this men-women relationship stuff turned upside down, infront backwards.
Let me start by making it clear that I personally don't think that there is anything wrong with being a strong, confident and independent woman with expectations of who your partner should be and the kind of relationship you want. And there is nothing wrong with effectively communicating those expectations to your partner (or man you are attracted to). In fact, you should always communicate your expectations to your partner, outside and inside the bedroom.
But while being a strong, confident and independent woman with expectations is characteristic of a woman who knows herself and knows how to get what she wants, if this comes across as "my way or no way" you risk ruining a potentially great relationship and ending up all on your own -- for the rest of your life.
That's okay, if this is by choice. But if you want to share your life with someone, having unrealistic ideas, ideals, standards and views of how relationships should be, what a man ought to say, how he ought to behave or respond is what's keeping you from what you really want -- a loving lasting relationship.
I know so many single women who want to be in a relationship but are spending so much energy trying to make men into "trained pets" and when the men fail to meet their expectations (stated or hidden) they feel betrayed, frustrated, resentful, angry, depressed, rejected, let down and unloved.
Even when they do something for their men (supposedly out of love), they do it expecting a specific/conditioned response (just like a trained pet). When they don't get the response they expect they verbally beat him down (and even gossip about him to friends, relatives and strangers). They fail to see or acknowledge that a man may be genuinely trying to love them in the only way he knows how.
In my years of work as a coach, I've found that the single unhealthiest expectation most women have is that of: If you really loved me, cared about me, or if I were really important to you, you would...
I've had women say to me, "He hasn't said he loves me" and when I ask if they feel loved by him, they say, "Yes, I know he loves me, but he hasn't said it to me". To which I ask, "How then do you know he loves you?" And they answer "He said/did... for me. He would not say/do... if he did not love me". At which point I feel like screaming, "So what is your problem?"
How can a man feel that he is loved unconditionally if all he has around him are conditions, assumptions, expectations and more high expectations?
If conditions, assumptions, expectations are all he has around him, I say let the poor guy go. Don't keep him around if you don't think he's good enough for you -- just the way he is.
If you're keeping him around just so you can "train him" to what you want him to be, you are setting yourself (and your man) up for pain from the inevitable "let downs" and frustrations. These unfulfilled expectations create tension and conflict in the relationship, lead to anxiety and depression in one or both of you, not to mention end a relationship with great potential.
But if you are looking to create a loving and fulfilling relationship in which each communicates to the other (verbally and non-verbally) that they are aware of the other's idiosyncratic characteristics and imperfections but love and feel loved no matter how the other feels or acts, and no matter what the other says or doesn't say, then please, let your man BE.
And he's probably said to you (a few times), "Let me just be myself" or "Why can't I just say/do things my own way?" or "I am trying in my own way!"
So why can't you accept that your man is his own unique self and not an extension of your imagination? Why can't you appreciate that the two of you were born with a different set of genes and raised in different environments and will say and act differently even in similar situations?
Your man may find it easier to express himself more effectively in a particular manner than another, instead of forcing your style of self-expression on him, acknowledge and encourage the gestures of love he expresses -- his own way.
When you let your man BE, you'll begin to experience feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bonding because there is a sense of mutual understanding and sharing, as well as a genuine liking for the other. You'll both feel more loved, more cared for, more understood, more relaxed, more able to share deepest secrets without any fear of judgement, criticism or rejection, and more playful... laughter will flow easily... sex will be great and more frequent.
You will even be surprised to find that he has "self-improved' because he felt that he needed to and it was the RIGHT thing to do -- for himself, for you and for the relationship.
Letting others BE themselves can be a rich part of the human experience, a deeper way of connecting with people around you and a very powerful way to attract and keep a loving caring confident man -- and even turn a not so confident or shy but loving and caring man into "Hello Mr. Super Confident".
Grandma said it is a powerful love potion -- and for years it's worked for me like magic. Try it for yourself, I know you'll come back for more of my grandma's "voodoo"...:-))
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
e-Book: http://www.pathwaytocommitment.com
