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When you are as socially popular as I am, you must often attend affairs and events at a moments notice, and it can be really quite difficult to find a sitter way out here in the middle of no where.
My daughter is old enough for the job, and no one is in diapers anymore, but I know my family well enough to realize that the twelve dollars an hour my daughter commands to watch over my flock of assorted characters buys me little more than the knowledge that if something, God forbid does go wrong, social services technically can't touch me.
What is a beautiful mother to do? Shall I disappoint all those eagerly awaiting my arrival to make their social events a hit, or stay home and play mother hen?
This hen ain't getting any younger and has spent plenty of time in her roost, so I opted for the more glamorous side of life and made my way over to my most recent invite.
As I approached the Moose lodge for their annual let-a-girl-into-our-silly-little-club bash, I couldn't help but wonder what my little terrors were up to. Unbeknown to me, I would meet someone this evening who could help me solve this little problem…and spill his drink all over my new dress in the process.
As far as blind dates go, this was about par for the course and I made a mental note to tell my mother to mind her own business for about the millionth time. I did however actually give this man my correct phone number because he turned out to be in the spy-cam and surveillance business, and considering my pending dry cleaning expenses, he owed me one heck of a discount.
He called me to make sure I got home alright, which was nice, and then called to say he had a good time, alright, and called once more to say good night…good grief. Relax Myla, this man has something you need so play nice.
I agreed to meet him at his shop the next day to look over a few nanny-cams, and I must say that either the wine or the dim lighting at the lodge had played tricks on my eyes because this poor little fellow was a lot uglier then I had remembered and I immediately regretted giving him my number, which of course I would now need to change.
I know that sounds horrible but it is vital to the story that you understand how unattractive this person was and what women, or at least my self, will do to save a few dollars. Equally important is an understanding of the links my mother will go to to get back at me for what I put her through when I was a child, which of course is all here-say and not at all well documented…no nanny-cams back then you know.
Anyway, he must have been having a rough morning or a touch of the Ebola virus because he was sweating profusely and looked as though he was going to pass out any minute. My beauty maybe?
Either way, I was so uncomfortable around him that I could actually feel my skin crawling and every voice in my head, and there are many, was screaming at me to just turn and walk away.
The ringing of my children's voices from earlier that morning won out though and I smiled pleasantly, thanked him for seeing me and silently went over my carefully scripted lie one more time in my head.
I told him that while yes it was true that I needed the hidden camera to keep an eye on my children while I was away, the main reason was to record the behavior of my insanely jealous ex-husband in order to secure a restraining order.
I said this in spite of my awareness of the very real epidemic of violence against women and immediately started to get that stomach ache associated with not just lying, but crossing certain moral and ethical boundaries.
I was not very happy with myself on many levels as I sat there waiting for him to pick out just the right hidden camera, all the while looking over his shoulder to see if my ex was out in the parking lot stalking me, ready to come crashing through his door and beat him to a bloody pulp.
Of course the lie had its intended effect and my sweaty little friend said he would be out of town awhile and he would call me when he returned…he even gave me the nanny-cam at no charge to send me on my way as quickly as possible.
Wow, I had not only basically just prostituted my self for a nanny-cam but had made light of a very serious situation and one that I myself am intimately aware of. What were my mother and children driving me to?
As with most mistakes I make, karma has evened things out. I have saved no money at all in this improper exchange because after spying on my little darlings, I will have to hire a nanny if I ever expect to leave the house again, even if it is to just go down to the end of the driveway to check the mail!
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