I'd probably laugh about this, but I don't want to appear cruel. And I get it. I understand that labeling people, places and things is a fundamental aspect of what makes us human. We name something so we know what to do with it. We say it's bad behavior, for example, when people frustrate us, thwart us, and interfere with our plans and designs. We say it's bad behavior when people fail to take into account the damaging consequences of their actions. And 'bad' is a pretty good label for a category of behaviors that produces negative results in the lives of the people around the people doing the 'bad' things.
But when people label others as ‘toxic,’ that's a very different labeling system. It seems to me that the people who use this label disempower themselves and lose access to their own communication resources. And it seems inevitable to me that they will making themselves sick. When a person says another person is ‘toxic,’ they’re actually talking about their own reaction to it, as in, it makes them feel ill, feel awful, feel queasy and nauseous, all the symptoms of toxicity neatly delivered to the unconscious mind by a 'bad' labeling system.
The patterns of difficult behavior cross cultural lines and national boundaries, and reveal the shared humanity of people everywhere. The way people respond to difficult behavior makes all the difference in the world. Negative reactions to bad behavior are the more pressing problem for people faced with people problems, if they are to have any hope of solving them.
I believe that there are three domains of interaction in play when dealing with difficult people. First is mindset, yours and theirs. Next is skill in communication. Third, the larger structure or context within which the interactions take place. Each of these represents an opportunity to change the relationship for the better.
What a person thinks about a person, place or thing determines how they react to and deal with it. Your mindset is reflected in what you tell yourself about someone, the things you believe are absolutely true about the person you are having a problem with. And it is my observation, after conducting literally thousands of interviews over the past two and a half decades on this specific subject, that the frame of reference most people use with difficult people is one of self-justifying negative labels. This frame of reference plays a significant role in the results people get in dealing with pushy, negative, disruptive and wishy washy behavior.
Seems to me that most books and writers on the subject of difficult people have the unfortunate habit of assigning negative labels and bad intentions to people behaving badly, ‘them,’ while largely holding those of us who must deal with bad behavior as unaccountable for how we go about it. That’s a “double whammy" against dealing with difficult people effectively. Once you label someone as ‘toxic’ or ‘mean,’ ‘resistant to change,’ ‘uncaring’ or ‘stupid,’ your behavior will inevitably be organized around your reaction to the label you apply. In other words, if there is a toxic element in your relationships, it is found in the labels you apply to others.
I'm not naive. Well, maybe I am, but that's beside the point. I do recognize that bad behavior has real consequences and side effects on morale, productivity and teamwork. These are significant problems, and I’m certainly not minimizing the damage done by difficult behavior. But adding insult to injury is not the answer. The problem is that the person labeling the bad behavior as toxic winds up connecting to their own bad reactions, which makes it increasingly unlikely that they’ll be resourceful enough to bring out the best in people at their worst. The payoff is they get to be right about who is wrong. The consequence is that the situation goes from bad to worse.
I think there is a much better way to deal with bad behavior.
1. Change your mind. Assume a positive intent behind bad behavior, based on the idea that human behavior is purposeful
2. Change your approach. Approach bad behavior strategically, based on useful assumptions and skillful responses. An effective communicator is persuasive and proactive, rather than defensive and reactive.
Bad behavior, as far as I can tell, is the result of a lack of flexibility and resourcefulness in dealing with a changing and uncontrollable world. It’s what people do when they perceive that their good intentions are being thwarted by the behavior of others, and they run out of options for dealing with it. In this way, everyone becomes someone’s difficult person at least some of the time, by being pushy, negative, disruptive, vague, self absorbed, or completely withdrawn.
Now, there are exceptions when it comes to this approach, such as when your problem person has a substance abuse problem, or is in some other way truly mentally disturbed (manic depressive, narcissistic, violent, and/or criminal in intent, etc.) In such cases, most people just aren’t equipped with the time, interest or skills to interact with such behavior effectively. Changing your mind about that person’s bad behavior is still a good first step. Stop taking it personally, and it won’t be ‘toxic’ to you. Step two is get help if possible ... professional support for yourself, professional intervention for the person sourcing the problem, or where no help is available, keep your distance and/or get as far away as fast as possible. And in the case of criminal behavior, contact the authorities.
But most difficult people are not criminally insane, or insane generally. They just act out their stress from living on earth because they don't know they have other options. If you have other options, and you have the motivation to introduce them, with enough persuasive skill you can make a real difference. And if you haven't the motivation, you can prevent a lot of difficulty in your own life when you simply stop suffering and find another way of labeling bad behavior besides 'toxic.'
It is worth it? Only if you value your health and sanity! I do. I've learned to like the people that others can't stand. In fact, they've been very good to my family, because I keep writing books and creating other products to help people deal with them. So if it helps, let me leave you with a comforting thought. Next time someone is behaving badly, if you can't think of any other frame of reference besides toxic, say this to yourself. "Well, at least this is good for Rick and his family!"
Dr. Kirschner is a bestselling author, speaker, trainer and coach, a faculty member with the Institute for Management Studies, and adjunct faculty at Southwest College of Naturopathic Medicine. Client organizations include Heineken, Providence Health, NASA, Starbucks, Texas Instruments and Toyota. Appearances on CNBC, CBC, Fox, NPR; Interviews and reviews in Wired Magazine, Wall Street Journal and USA Today. Most recent work is the 8 CD audio series, book and workbook 'INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE ART OF PERSUASION:Use Your Influence To Change Your World,' now available, along with a blog, newsletter and free podcast, at http://TheArtofChange.com. LIMITED TIME OFFER! You can get a $49 value one hour audio program on Dealing With Difficult People absolutely free! How? Visit http://LearnToPersuade.com for details!
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Thank you Dr. Rick, I love to see the positive in things. It always makes me feel better about who I am. I have found that negativity gets me nowhere and that I am solely responsible for making me happy. Great job.
» left by Dr. Rick Kirschner(59) Dr. Rick Kirschner (1 year 70 days ago.)
Thank you!!! You know what they say about the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? It's not that one is right any more often than the other. But the optimist suffers far less! hehe!
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