I actually turned in the following physics assignment late during my college days and got an A on it...
Professor Etchegaray, mathematical magician extraordinaire, had the wonderful ability of being able to reduce complicated scientific concepts down to the basic fundamentals that even a child could understand. And although she was more than capable of inscribing scientific equations on the college chalkboard at the speed of light, she had the patience of a saint in allowing her students to complete and turn in homework assignments at a speed that even a snail couldn't possibly envy.
As one of her students I found myself floundering on just such an assignment, which for all practical purposes appeared to have a velocity which could have been measured somewhere in the neighborhood of absolute zero. Nevertheless, after a week of boundless procrastination I could not disappoint her, so with a heavy head and weary eyes I set out to complete the assignment.
It began as a simple science experiment, if you can call it that. In actuality it was to be nothing more than brief notations based on observations of the thermodynamics of a candle burning. Yet, for reasons unknown, as I watched the flame flicker in the darkness of my room I found myself incapable of writing. Whether it was the dim light or my droopy eyes which prevented me from writing I do not know. What I do know, however, is that as soon as I blew out the candle and lay down to sleep there was a spark which ignited a flame in the candle of my dreams…
As I watched the candle burning it grew larger and larger and I found myself shrinking until I had become so small that the threads in my pillow appeared to become a colossal network of twisted cables with circumferences equivalent to giant redwood trees. Now this was fortunate for me because at just that moment a tremendous wind swept me off of my feet and I found myself being hurled through space in the direction of the fire. Incredible as it may sound, I was able to grab on to a small cord of one of these titan monstrosities which prevented me from being swept away into the fire. And it was at this precise moment, as I dangled in midair that I did what any other red blooded American man would do… I screamed, "O, shiiii…."
Now there is something very strange about dangling in midair when the wind is blowing you into a giant candle flame. It should be noted that the heat radiating outward from the fire was very intense and hot; yet, at the same time the wind which was blowing me towards the fire seemed very cool. It seemed as if the flame was drawing the cool air into it like a vacuum with a ravenous appetite for fresh air. And, unfortunately, this appetite seemed to include me. Yet, despite all of my efforts to avoid this fate, my strength failed me and I was once again swept into the direction of the fire.
Now this might seem rather difficult to believe, but since it happened to me I may as well share it. I was sucked into the fire of my giant candle. And I suppose worse things could have happened, but I consider myself rather fortunate because of what happened next. You see, I found myself feeling rather, well light or should I say weightless. In fact, I had no mass whatsoever and if I didn't know better I could swear that I had been ejected out of my bedroom window at approximately 186,000 miles per second. But, how would I know? Still, I must warn you, I wouldn't recommend this as a weight reduction program for anyone.
I don't know how long I was out there, but as I was traveling along minding my own business a gentleman came up to me and said, "Hello there!"
So, I said, "Hello. Who are you? And where am I?"
He introduced himself as Albert and informed me that I was somewhere in the vicinity of Proxima Centauri. So, I said, "That's good."
Well, he seemed like a rather nice old man so we got to talking and he asked me how I left the earth. So, I told him, "I left in a candle flame."
And he said, "Oh! I left in a flame of glory. But, really young man, you're probably better off this way because going around and around in a convection current of a candle could really get quite boring after a while.
Now, he seemed rather smart so I agreed and asked him if he could help me with my science assignment. He said he could and asked me when it was due. I told him it would probably be a little late but that Professor Etchegaray probably wouldn't mind. Then Albert said something about my relatives getting older and how it was all relative and that if I faxed my homework assignment right away that my professor should receive it in only about 30 years from the time it was due.
Now this rather depressed me somewhat because I knew that Professor Etchegaray wasn't getting any younger and that she wouldn't accept my late paper very lightly. In fact, she would probably think that my turning in my assignments late all of the time was really getting old. But, I suppose worse things could happen.
Nevertheless, I was just about to fax off my assignment when suddenly I woke up. Evidently, I had forgotten to blow out my candle before I fell asleep and the hot wax had caused a conduction of enough heat to cause my paper to spontaneously combust. I sat and watched as my blank paper burned and its flames grew larger and larger and I began to feel smaller and smaller…
