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***I have revised this article for reasons that are obvious.***
You know, I have done a lot of soul searching in the past several
months and found that my love was directed towards things, people, and
places as opposed to where it should have been…namely, my God and my
husband.
Last year was a very pivotal year for me and my husband. I won't go
into details here but from May to August of last year, my heart was not
where it should have been.
I allowed the enemy to speak words
into my heart and I believed them. Where was God in my heart? He was
there…He was trying to send me lifelines that I explicitly ignored. The
enemy made me believe that I could have God and my flesh reign at the
same time. I cannot blame the enemy in ALL of this…I had a choice. I
made the wrong choice.
My repentance did not come rapidly. It took me a month to come clean with my husband and pastors. It took me until last
month to let me family know. And I am sharing my story with you now.
That month was a horrible month. At first, I was fine. I tried to
justify everything. But, then I
became angry…at the time I did not know who I was angry at, but I
eventually figured out that I was angry at myself. "How could God allow me to
do such a horrible thing?"
When I became transparent with my family, I finally
understood the pain that I caused them, myself, my husband, my
friends, and especially my God. God allowed this in my life to show me
that I cannot do things on my own. That I have to put my life in His
hands.
Believe me, it was tough, but I was finally listening to God's voice
again. He was telling me that I needed to reach out to others and help
those who have gone through the same kinds of things as I did
throughout my life. Not just this area, but all areas of my life.
Hence, this ministry. This would be part of my healing. And believe me,
it has done wonders for me. I am able to so what my heart so longed to
do for so many years. Help others. But, it had to be God's timing. He
needed me to go through stuff before I could share my experiences and
ultimately how God is merciful and to show His heart.
In January 2008, my church was starting a Lay Leadership course and
I knew that God was telling me to take this course. I did it. This
course was the perfect time for me. Because of my past mistakes and
this course, I learned how to trust in God like never before. I learned
to tune my ears to His frequency, listen to Him, and do what He is
telling me.
Now, of course, we all sin every day. I am not going to say that I
am perfect and that I don't sin. No way! I do sin…but now, I also know
who my God is, although this is still in progress.
Jesus Christ was fighting for me, He still is, and I am so thankful
to have my relationship restored with my Heavenly Father. In one of my
favorite songs, "Made Me Glad" from Hillsong, the chorus sums up
everything that my God is to me: "You are my shield, my strength, my
fortress, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower, my very present help in
times of need."
Yes, God hates the sin that I committed against Him and my husband
but I now know that He has forgiven me. My actions will be judged, but
I know that Jesus stands in the gap for me as He does everyone. I
repented wholeheartedly and I know that I am now a brand new creature…a
Child of God.
It took some time, but I also forgave myself. I stopped listening to
the negative thought patterns that I have had all of my life and I
stand on God's truth. He is my rock and I will not be moved!
I want to give all the praise, honor, and glory to my Heavenly
Father and I want everyone to know that I will stand with Him no matter
what else happens in my life or in my husband's life. I am yours, Lord!
Do with me as You will! |
