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Hi I'm Timothy Ward, licensed advice columnist and avid liar. Daily I receive countless emails and letters from real people with real problems just like you. I throw away or delete most of these letters and emails because, quite honestly, real people are a terrible bore. However, since I do have to make a living I do make a little time in my busy schedule to answer some of the questions that come my way. Listed below are a few of the questions and life altering answers that I got around to this week.
Dear Timothy,
I keep hearing about something called a Recession that is supposed to be coming and I just wanted to know if I should be afraid?
Wondering in Wyoming
Dear Wondering,
You should be afraid, VERY afraid. Not so much of the Recession that is sure to sweep our great nation and plunge us into economic chaos and ruin, as of the dangerous wildlife that you are surrounded by in your home state of Wyoming. After receiving your email I did a little research and I have one question for you: Did you realize that there are grizzly bears in Wyoming. Big, shaggy, hungry grizzly bears who care very little about recessions and even less about the rights granted to you in the American constitution. I think that you should focus your time and energy on this immediate threat instead of worrying about the economy.
Dear Timothy,
For a while gas prices were rising higher and higher. I was just about to sell my car and buy one of those scooters you see the college kids driving around. Now, however, the price of gasoline has started to drop slightly and I'm wondering if I should keep my car. What is your opinion?
Torn in Toronto
Dear Torn,
I know what the real underlying issue is here. Even though you didn't mention it in your email it's obvious to a seasoned advice columnist like myself that the real problem here is that you are having a midlife crisis. Yes, a midlife crisis. I'm willing to bet that you are about 43 years old, have at least 2.3 children, and a semi-loving wife that you know is cheating on you but you don't mind because her affair frees you up to watch the SciFi channel. Unlike most men who go out and buy bright red Ferrari's and start dating 102 pound Swedish models with legs like mop handles, you have opted to go the other route. You have decided to revert back to your late teen days when life was a little easier and sex involved two actual people. Hence the longing for a scooter, it's the type of ride that you would probably have were you 22 years old right now. It has nothing to do with gas prices. So the real question is: Why not go for the Ferrari?
Dear Timothy,
I am a black male in by early 30's. I work in an office that is composed of mainly whites. Whenever we discuss politics and someone white says that they don't like presidential candidate Barack Obama I find myself automatically assuming that they are a racist and just don't want a black man in the Oval office. I realize that this probably isn't true but I can't help feeling this way. Is it wrong to feel this way, and if so what can I do to stop?
Surrounded by Whitey
Dear Surrounded,
Anyone who does not like Barack Obama is most likely a racist or worst a Republican. Don't feel bad at all. HAHAHA. I'm just kidding of course. The beauty of America is that we have the freedom to pick and choose who we want to vote for and the freedom of speech to mention it aloud around the water cooler at work. Sidebar: Do people actually GATHER around the water cooler? I could see if your office was in the Sahara Desert, then maybe water cooler gathering would make sense. But from my experience the only people who go to the water coolers are the hungover alcoholics and the people too cheap to bring their own bottled water. And who wants to talk to them...? Ok, back to your question: If someone mentions their political beliefs aloud they are leaving themselves wide open to others judgments. So don't feel guilty about thinking that they are racists, the reality is that they probably aren't and as long as you don't voice these feelings you are ok. Now of course if you live in Mississippi...
Until next week people remember, I'm Timothy Ward and your not.....
Timothy Ward currently lives in Gainesville, FL. You can read more of his writings at itimothyward.weebly.com
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