I truly believe that men and women are more alike than different.
As
a matter of fact, the more time I spend immersed in the study of what attracts
MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) to one another, the more amazed I become
that the genders have such a notoriously difficult time understanding each
other.
When you get right down to it, most of the confusion tends to
happen because most of us-men and women-have a hard time getting outside of our
own heads and considering the perspective of someone else.
And yes, you
are inferring correctly: That propensity toward getting stuck in our own
headspace is precisely one of those areas that is not particularly
"gender-specific".
Once could almost surmise that it's this "similarity"
in particular that is exactly what causes us to believe that MOTOS are
"impossible to understand". How's that for the Mother Of All Ironies?
No
concept better underscores this than what is commonly known as "approach
anxiety".
This needs no introduction for 99% of you who are reading
this. Since the dawn of time, men have encountered women who interest them
sexuallyand have collectively clammed up.
Even the most ostensibly
fearless men out there fold up and collapse when confronted with the idea of
approaching a particularly interesting woman.
In fact, because they
often fear the verdict of either being "accepted" or "rejected" by a woman
they've pre-approved on sight, the ensuing "contest" which could result in
"getting beat by a girl" is too much especially for the "tough guys"
among us.
Some of the biggest wusses around hotties I've ever known were
U.S. Marines on 1000cc sportbikes. Go figure.
Whatever the exact reason
for approach anxiety (e.g. fear of rejection, lack of things to say, "getting
beat by a girl", etc.), most men deal with it at least sometime in their lives.
Meanwhile, over in the Land Of The MOTOS, women are typically unaware
that approach anxiety even existslet alone is such a massive limiting
factor for the vast majority of men.
You are reading correctly. Most
women don't even realize men fear approaching them.
Of course, most of
us guys have no idea how women themselves view approach anxiety. They've never
bothered to find out. After all, that would have involved walking up to them and
asking them, right?
The first time Emily heard the term "approach
anxiety", she fully acknowledged that even she had no idea it was going on.
For her, and for every single one of her friends, the automatic
assumption had been made that men who don't walk up to them and say "hello" are
simply uninterested.
Following logically, this means that since over 95%
of all men are too timid to approach a woman, most women go through life
thinking that less than 5% of all men are actually interested in them.
Factor in the reality that the more intriguing a woman is to a broader
cross-section of the male population the greater the percentage of men who lack
the courage to approach her becomes, and you can quickly figure out why so many
particularly sharp women are dateless.
I specifically remember the
Homecoming Queen at my high school not having a date for the dance. And that's
just one example.
Recently I went and tested what I had learned. I asked
every reasonably attractive woman I happened across how often guys came up to
them an introduced themselves.
By far the most frequent answer was,
"Uhnot often." For many, it was such a seldom occurrence that each time it
happened was like a "scene from a movie", soon to be recounted to every one of
her girlfriends in detail.
And yesto my own utter shock, admittedlythe
vast majority of women usually assumed that men who didn't talk to them were
simply uninterested. Granted, most knew that some men were too shy
to talk to them, but virtually none of them realized how universal approach
anxiety actually is.
What's more, here's the real kicker: Most women I
talked to claimed that they wished more men would talk to them. They LOVE
when it happens, and would be thrilled if it happened more often.
Simply
put, they fail to comprehend why they're so blasted "scary" to men. Repeatedly,
I heard things like this come out of the women's mouths I checked in with: "Who
me? Why in the world am I so scary to men? I'm a nice person!"
When I
explained to these women how very real approach anxiety is to most men, and that
a far higher percentage of men around them probably were very interested than
they supposed, most of them fell slack jawed.
"Wow. Really? And here I
was thinking I just wasn't so attractive after all."
Oh, and for what
it's worth, I probably asked 50-75 women about this. Not one of them was rude to
me. Not one.
Here's the bottom line, if you can get out of your own head
and understand what's really going on inside a woman's for a change, you'll find
that an "unfair advantage" has been right under your nose all this time.
All you ever had to do was take it and make it your own.
Women
everywhere are watching most men walk right on by and are wondering what's
wrong with themselves. I realize this is a preposterous thought to you.
But how could your life change if you put it to the test?
Remember, women follow your lead. If you can walk up to a woman
confidently, expecting a positive reception, then she will immediately feel
comfortable and positive toward you.
Contrast this with "collecting" all
your nervous energy and bracing yourself for a "contest" when approaching a
woman. Uneasiness begets an unsettling feeling in a woman, which is contrary to
the security she must feel in order to respond well to you.
And when you
expect rejection, you lead a woman to give you exactly what you expect.
Instead, equipped with the knowledge that a woman probably is all but
oblivious to the very existence of approach anxiety, take that life lesson and
begin viewing women as they view themselves.
They're wondering why you
keep passing them by. After all, they're just not that scary to themselves.
Scot McKay is a character-based dating and seduction coach, online dating consultant, talk show host and founder of X & Y Communications. He lives in San Antonio, TX with his wife and co-conspirator Emily (whom he met online), three kids and two hairless terriers.
» left by David from Toronto (102 days 7 hours ago.)
thankyou- this article was very useful - and here I thought that women were so unapproachable - a lot of them actually want to be approached. I consider myself an attractive looking guy and I almost never have a woman approach or say hi to me. Only women who I am not that attracted to actually say hi to me so I start to think that attractive women aren't interested either. There is an online community of guys that trade secrets on how to approach women and a lot of them seem to think that attractive women get approached constantly, which is at odds with your findings. Where I'm from, women are usually so indirect that if they like you they'll at best stand 8 feet away from you but they don't make eye contact. I guess they're shy also.
» left by Scot McKay from San Antonio (102 days 6 hours ago.)
Hello David. Yes, I'm very familiar with the Seduction Community.
You hear that women get approached a lot, but most of what's being termed "approaching" is really hit-and-run tactics like "you look nice" or holding doors for them, etc. Very few guys actually have the guts to try to continue the conversation somehow, either at the time of interaction or later.
Women are indeed indirect. And they crave a man who will take the lead.
» left by Marlene from Las Vegas (69 days 1 hour ago.)
This was one of the most enlightening articles I've read in LONG time. Am I very attractive, men look all the time but Never approach me. I internalized this and for years thought that I wasn't good enough or that something MUST be wrong with me. I truly had no clue that men has such difficulty approaching women. I will not send a letter to the guy that I'm pretty sure likes me but just couldn't approach me, although I noticed that he tried to get closer but he just never made it all the way. Funny, he is HOT. I would've never thought he would suffer from this approach anxiety - ever. Thanks again for putting this out there!!!!!
Good article. Men do hate rejection and most of us experienced it at a young age. The effect is long lasting and feels almost like a phobia. Its internalized within us. Getting rid of it takes persistence and yes help. I recommend a book by a man who goes by the name "Style" and the title is "The Game" Follow the lead in the book and find online communities concerned about this very subject. I for one am on the road to recovery. Its been a year since I started to take action in getting rid of "approach anxiety" and I am a better person because of now.
» left by Scot McKay from San Antonio (55 days 3 hours ago.)
Well, appreciate your kind words, Des. But I don't think I can back your recommendation to follow the example presented in The Game. Even Neil Strauss himself warns against that at the end of his own book.
I have a LOT of guys on my mailing list who found themselves going down and unintended path to being a PUA, when all they really wanted was to identify and meet high quality women.
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