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You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if
your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an
emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend.
As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you've
been preoccupied and down. Since emotions are contagious, this will impact your
partner in some way and her/his interactions with others may now be different
as a result of what your friend shared with you.
How is this relevant to your marriage or
relationship?
Your relationship exists within a larger social context, and
your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly
or indirectly impact your relationship. Think of your relationship as one link
on a never-ending chain of connectedness.
This was evident with two couples I recently coached:
A brief story of relationship isolation:
Tad and Wanda have lived together for a little over a year
and during a recent coaching session, Wanda complained that "all of our
friends seem to be getting divorced or breaking up. It's depressing and makes
me think there's something wrong with me for trying to make my relationship
work. When I try to talk to my friends about a fight I had with Tad, they just
tell me to 'find someone better-suited to you,' or 'relationships are overrated
anyway.' The whole 'there are lots of fish in the sea' mindset isn't helpful
when I'm trying to make my relationship work now."
Tad and Wanda lack the couple-to-couple support that is
vital for a sustainable, long-term relationship. They both struggle with
feeling like the "oddball couple" in a sea of failed relationships
(and they don't have any single friends who are pro-relationship)-and both
acknowledged that this was starting to negatively impact their union.
A brief story of marital support:
Molly and Jeff have been together for eleven years. Both are
retired and have been active participants in their local community and
volunteer for numerous causes. This involvement has offered them opportunities
to develop friendships and socialize with other couples.
Molly joked that their friends "saved our marriage on
at least two occasions" because of the support they offered Molly. She
shared, "If Jeff and I are going through a difficult time, for whatever
reason, I don't feel alone. I have at least two other women I can talk to who have
been through difficult times but they're still happily married…I know I'm not
alone in my struggles and that makes a world of difference. And I have a few
single friends who are supportive of my relationship and committed
relationships in general, even though they're not in one now. All that
encouragement among my friends really helps whenever I start to worry that the challenges
of a romantic relationship might be too much for me."
The need for relationship support
Couples love to hear about other couples who have successful
relationships. Have you ever noticed how people in relationships are happy to learn
that a famous couple is in it for the long haul? Many couples feel validated to discover that
their favorite movie star or musician has resisted the temptations that come with
fame and are committed to one person. Notice
your reaction the next time you hear that people you know and/or admire are
splitting up.
Couples root for other couples-there is an unspoken, cosmic
connection, a sense that we're in this together. If Brad and Angelina can make
their relationship work, and your neighbors and friends can make their
relationships work, you end up feeling more hopeful that you can make your own work.
Seek Out Relationship Support
Relationship support comes in many forms and the first step
is to look in your own backyard. Make a list of all the individuals and couples
you know and admire: family, friends, teachers, community leaders, local
organizations or church members.
You might be surprised to learn that there are people in
your life that have been married or together for a long time (and feel lucky to
be with the same person). These couples can be an emotional resource for you
and your partner. Would you consider asking them about their relationship,
especially what has worked for them? Are you willing to seek their support when
you (or your partner) need advice or guidance?
We all need relationship mentors-couples who have
successfully navigated the complicated interpersonal terrain that comes with
committed relationships. This doesn't mean you should overlook friends not
currently in relationships as potential sources of support. Often single
friends who understand and celebrate you and your relationship can be a safe
place to go to when you need a different perspective or just need to vent.
Don't overlook the vast relationship wisdom that
surrounds you.
Many couples like spending time with other couples. If most
of your friends seem to be in dire relationship straits or your friends' values
regarding commitment differ from your own, you need to expand your social
network-seek out couples you and your partner can socialize with, couples
dedicated to making their own relationships work. The goal of expanding your
couples-support-system doesn't mean you have to abandon your current friends
because they aren't in a relationship or their relationship is in trouble-it
means that you enrich your circle of friends to include those that believe in
the benefit of a long-term, committed relationship and will help support you in
yours.
It might seem like a paradox that you can be with someone
you deeply love, yet still feel isolated. Often couples assume feeling isolated
means there is something wrong with their relationship-while this can be an
indication that there are problems that need to be addressed, it can also be an
indication that your relationship is surrounded by negativity and a lack of
support.
No matter how strong your relationship might seem, you and
your partner do not exist in a vacuum. When you establish the goal of building
a support network for your relationship, you have taken an important step in buffering
the damaging effects of relationship-isolation.
Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage
everything it can be?
As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports:
"The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" and
"Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your
arguments control you."
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship
coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their
relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an
internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their
relationships. |
