We see mothers of sons made fun of all the time on the screen. Between Everybody Loves Raymond to Monster-in-law, mother-in-laws look to be getting a bad rap. But are they?
The number one topic among my girlfriends and I is mothers-in-law. I know it seems sad that the majority of our time is spent discussing the mothers of the love of our lives, but that is the person who causes us the most stress.
Why? What is the point in destroying the spouse your child has chosen? I was thinking the other day how sad my own relationship with my mother-in-law is at times.
Believe me, my friends have much worse mother-in-law issues, but I can’t help but feel like something is missing at times from my relationship with the mother of the man I fell in love with over ten years ago.
It seems somewhere along the years, we decided to be civil, but not close. I hate missing out on having that closeness. Several times a week we call to share news everyone takes turns talking, but not me. When she calls, she calls her son not me. I guess issues from the past never go away.
Let’s get back to the point of this article. How can mothers-in-laws not end up as the stereotypical, hated one? Here are a few observations I have seen from run-ins that my friends have. These tips will relieve the tension between you and your daughter-in-law.
You don’t have a choice
You raised your son to make a good decision. The sooner you accept that you are not picking the one he will spend the rest of his life with, the better off you will be. The Bible is very clear in that the son is to “leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife." If you continue to treat your daughter-in-law like she is not your choice for her son, tension will continue. You get no say in this decision. He will be living with this person the rest of his life long after you are gone so you are only hurting the situation by treating her like she is the wrong choice. Furthermore, you are pushing your son farther away. He has made the choice. He chose her. She is the most important thing right now. You should rejoice in that you raised him right to put his wife first.
Don’t criticize
She knows you raised him, but her ways might not be wrong. Put yourself in her place once in a while. Realize that when you criticize her children, the way she decorates, the way she cooks, etc., you are hurting her. All she wants is to win your approval, so those criticisms go right to the heart. Remember what it was like to be young and trying to please a husband. Cut her some slack.
Don’t talk bad about your daughter-in-law
Even if your son’s spouse is not in the room, don’t ever say anything negative. You never know when she is listening and it is the lowest of low. I have a friend whose mother-in-law would talk badly about her on the phone to other friends while she was in the room. How would you feel if she did the same to you? Show some maturity and keep your bad thoughts and opinions to yourself. Being called a whore is not easy to forget even if you thought she didn’t hear.
It is not a competition
I know this sounds repetitive, but for some reason mothers-in-law try to compete with wives. He already chose the person he wants to be with so trying to sabotage their marriage does no one any good. Therefore, don’t try and play your son against his own wife. If you are giving her a favorite recipe, don’t leave out ingredients or change times on purpose. Don’t try to make her look bad and don’t tell her what your son really likes. She knows what he like and she knows him in ways you never will know him.
I know it is hard being the mom of the son. Daughters marry and still want to be part of your life. Sons leave and sometimes never look back. Don’t think of it as losing a son, but gaining a daughter. This way it will be more of a delightful relationship.
