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Maybe when you are verbally mistreated as a child, you develop the urge to go out on that limb, push yourself to the limits, prove you can do whatever "it" is. If one or both of your parents were dominating, and wouldn't allow you to express your opinion, and basically kept you quiet until you went out on your own, chances are you have gone out on a limb. If you've never won a disagreement, or a debate, you won't know what it feels like to reach that adrenaline rush, so, you'll go after other things that give that to you. This is only my experience talking, but I have known many people who have followed this pattern. Alcohol usually leads it all off at around 15 or 16, a little pot, a little this, a little that, and before you know it, you don't know who you are anymore. You'll be the one to go out on that limb and chug that beer, even if it does make you sick.
You'll want to dabble in the different drugs to see if there's one that can camouflage the pain and inexperience of not having an identity. You want desperately to fit in, it's better hanging with these "friends" than being at home, so you do what they do, only you do more, to show "You're cool." When you don't have an identity, you have to make one up. Going out on that limb leads to taking dares, driving while intoxicated, or on drugs, letting people talk you into doing things that are wrong, and you know they're wrong. Other unwise decisions include jumping from a high distance, into the water. A broken neck takes a second, but the rush from being the only one who did it lasts for a long time. I went out on a limb to impress my friends and I ended up paralyzed.
You don't have to come from a demanding home, but it doesn't help. I think there is more of a need to succeed when you've never been told, "I'm proud of you, son." Kids who had great upbringings will also have that need for fear, but usually they'll have a reason for such as well. A competitive sibling, parents who pushed at sports, etc. whatever the reason, going out on a limb is risky business. Lending money to a relative or friend is going out on a limb, as is letting someone close rent one of your properties. We have to learn when and how to protect ourselves from one day, falling from that limb, and really getting hurt. We have the power and the responsibility, at times, to say no, whether it results in bad feelings or not.
The intent of sharing is wonderful. The idea of trying to help others is admirable. However, if we are going to get the raw end of the deal because we have gone out on a limb for somebody else, we will be the ones to suffer. If we know our sibling is "out of work" for now, but needs a loan for a car to get to work, and we give him our last 500 dollars, and run out of staples and food at the end of the month for a few months, and he never does get a job, that limb was too heavy to take on. When enough of these situations happen to us, I think we begin how to say "No." The fear of confrontation we once had went away after we lent our cousin our car for a week, and she totaled it. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I would love to lend you my car, but it's all I've got, and I need it to get back and forth to work. I'd rather no one else drive it."
The choice is still up to you, you're plan or mission may be to help as many people as you can. I certainly have that very mission. Only I have learned who to help, and who will never be helped, so why bother with hours of conversation, when you could be helping someone else who needs it, takes it, and does something positive with it. When I was in a twelve step program, it was always apparent who were there for help, and who were just there. I couldn't help those who couldn't stop drinking because they really didn't want to. So, instead, I practiced with those who had a real desire to stop. Together, we formed a bond that helped us all out. That bond has kept me away from a drink for 14 years so far. I know where to go if I ever get the "Urge" again. The world is a big place. Instead of trying to help everyone, maybe it's a good idea to start with those who want our help. Our words will make a difference in their lives. They will take our suggestions, and actually use them. And they will learn how not to go out on that limb that's going to crack and break when they get to the middle.
Very powerful article. My husband and I are always helping others. So much so that my 2 younger children have a huge heart for helping others and loving everyone. In fact, we were helping a drug addict detox and allowed him to stay in our basement while doing so. He went out one day, got drunk and threw up all over my half bath, and left the mess for some one else to clean up. We didn't make him leave after his first mistake, but after his second mistake, he knew I wouldn't allow him back. My daughter comes home after being go for a week and is mad at me because I won't allow him to be here any more. I told her that I love her heart, but there are times when we just have to let them go. Helping them is no longer an option when they don't want to try themselves. Later I learn that this person snooped through our garage and got into my husband brief case. There he found Vicodin and he chose to take it. He had partially blamed my husband for his down fall due to the vicodin. No responsibility on his part for snooping in our stuff and then taking it. I agree with you, there comes a time when you just have to tell someone no or that you can't help them. Some times that's in their own best interest.
thanks for reading and commenting, and also for joining my fan club. i appreciate it. we have to be very careful in who we help, since some don't want to help us, but rather themselves to our stuff! be careful, and good luck,
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