"Whatever a person frequently thinks and reflects on, that will become the inclination of their mind." - Buddha
"What we repeatedly think shapes our world." Jack Kornfield (The Wise Heart)
Is self-acceptance something that comes hard for you, especially if you are struggling with some "imperfection" (bodily or otherwise)? If so, you are certainly not alone. Most of us have been taught, on some level, that we need to be, act or look a certain way. When we don't reach that standard, we often become self-critical, judgmental and even ashamed.
There is no aspect of ourselves that we judge with a more critical eye than our bodies. We have been taught from the time we were little what we SHOULD look like, how our bodies SHOULD be, what is "acceptable," and what will bring us approval and "love" from others. I see it with my clients every single day and I experience it with myself as well (less now than in the past, thank goodness): Our negative thoughts about ourselves, our bodies and our appearance not only keep us feeling ashamed and bad, but they also keep us stuck.
However, the truth is, our appearance does not determine our inherent worth. All it determines is how we look (and unfortunately we have grown up in a culture where somehow, self-worth and appearance have gotten all mixed up - that's a whole other article!).
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that having a healthy, fit body is an unworthy goal. In fact, just the opposite. Of course you want to feel and look your best - doing this as an act of self-love and care is an incredibly worthy goal. What I am suggesting, however, is that you are equally as deserving of love and care and acceptance when you are heavy or saggy or flabby as you are when you are fit or thin.
And here's the thing: It is virtually impossible to treat yourself well, nourish your body with healthy foods, and take good care of yourself if you have deemed yourself unworthy, unacceptable or not good enough. The more your thoughts focus on how "not right" you are, and what's "not right" about you, the more you will act in a way that proves this to be true.
And this, my friends, is why diets have such a low long-term success rate. While they are busy addressing the quality and quantity of your food, they never address the quality of your mind. And your mind is the most powerful tool you have when it comes to changing your relationship to food and your body (in fact, when it comes to changing almost ANYTHING!).
You may believe that once you are thin, or married, or acquire this or that, you can then begin to love yourself, feel good about yourself, and treat yourself well. You may also believe or imagine that others might admire you more and that this will help you to feel more acceptable. And THEN, you believe, you will have good self-esteem, then you will be worthy of feeling good, worthy of joy and care. Until then, you have to keep pushing yourself, depriving yourself, and beating yourself up emotionally (and sometimes physically, as many of us do with food).
However, the funny thing is, if you don't feel worthy and secure in your pre-thin, or pre-married, or pre-fancy house, existence, then achieving those things will not offer any real semblance of self-worth. As Jack Kornfield wrote in his excellent book, The Wise Heart, "If the goal exists to prove that we are worthy, to cover our insecurity or to conquer others, it will ultimately prove unfulfilling and come to an unhappy end. And yet, the very same activity can be done in a healthy way with dedication, commitment and love."
And the other ironic thing is, that it is only by shifting your mind and believing you are lovable and worthy and deserving of good care and nourishment, that you actually can treat yourself with dedication, commitment and love. This type of care is exactly what you need to create and sustain real change, whether that is a change of better health and a more fit body, or any other goals you want to reach in your life.
I realize that the mind is a complicated thing and that shifting long-standing thoughts and feelings and beliefs is no easy task. However, I believe you can slowly chip away at them, so you feel better in your body, in your mind, and deep in your soul.
I offer the following tips with that in mind - what I consider a short-cut to addressing and uprooting negative thoughts and feelings so you can more quickly and painlessly reach your goals:
1) Be where you are: Recognize that you are not going to change anything about your weight right now at this moment. You will look and weigh the same in 5 minutes, in an hour, and probably even in a day, as you do right now.
2) Beating yourself up, punishing yourself, and criticizing yourself will not make change happen more quickly.
3) Once you realize this, recognize that you have a choice, not about your weight or appearance at this moment, but about how you think. You can choose to feel ashamed, angry, or unworthy, or you can choose to feel motivated, happy, and fabulous. (really, YOU have that choice - no one else can determine this for you)
4) Repeat after me: I am a valuable, loveable, good-enough person, just the way I am. (repeat several times and as often as needed). (repeat even if you don't believe it).
5) ESPECIALLY if you don't believe you are lovable and good-enough, complete this sentence: "If I were to begin living as if I were good enough and deserved love and satisfaction, respect and all good things, I would: ____________________. (This doesn't have to have anything to do with food - let your imagination wander and make as long a list as you can).
6) Make a commitment to start doing one of those things every single day. (Thank you to Geneen Roth for this idea)
7) Next, shift from dwelling on what IS (the thing you wish to change) and begin to imagine where it is you want to be. Allow yourself to really imagine you at the weight and fitness level you have been aspiring to. Continue to visualize that image daily and to allow the desire of how that will feel to pull you towards it.
8) Instead of trying NOT to be heavy, or NOT to be unhealthy, or NOT to be flabby or whatever it is you don't want to be, shift your thoughts to where you do want to be. Allow your feelings, thoughts and actions to align with that desire so that it feels RIGHT to feed yourself great, nourishing foods. It feels RIGHT to move your body and treat it with respect.
9) This is not a magic formula! It takes practice, perseverance and patience to change our thoughts and our minds. Keep at it!
I would absolutely LOVE to hear your thoughts on this topic and this article. How do your thoughts affect your actions? How does your appearance affect your self-esteem? Was this article helpful in considering a new way of thinking?
Copyright (c) 2008 Healthy Bodies, Happy Minds
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Karen Schachter is a licensed clinical social worker & certified nutrition counselor who works with women who want to have a healthier relationship with food & in turn, improve their nutrition, improve their mood & energy, decrease their cravings and just generally enjoy life more fully. She helps parents figure out what to feed their children & how to feed their children. Sign up for her FREE newsletter @ http://www.healthybodieshappyminds.com/
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