I Knew It Was Wicked But I Enjoyed It - Am I Evil?

I do believe that there is evil in the world.  We see it all around us.  But when we talk about defeating evil (or the devil), it's often something, someone or some force out there. An individual, entity or force outside of ourselves that we must fight and defeat.  So we live our lives in "full armour", watching, waiting, looking east, west, north and south ready to pounce on evil -- and the devil, the father of all evil -- and defeat it. 

But Mohandas Gandhi was onto something when he said "The only devils running rampant are the devils within our hearts?'

I work as a volunteer in a community program, but for the last few months, I have been thinking of leaving the program.  Before May this year, I got along with everyone on the program so fabulously.  I get along with most people, no surprise there (brag, brag). I try not to outshine others because I strongly believe and live "I am because we are".  I am never ever directly confrontational and always-always try to find a common ground first.  That doesn't mean unconditional crap absorption because I don't take you-know-what from anyone. Anyone who knows me well also knows that although I sometimes come across as too humble (even meek), I am also nobody's punk and nobody's pawn.  I'll deliver with full force for what I believe in and for those I love and care deeply about (children, and the suffering). 

May this year, this woman joined the program, and from the moment she stepped in she was onto my tail like a wild fire.  Shot down all my ideas. Put me down at every opportunity and really tried to get me into direct confrontation.  When that failed she made some racial remarks I do not care to repeat here. But I didn't take the bait.  Some battles are just not worth fighting, and some people are not worth losing sleep over.

This last Monday, she was going at it again like a dog with a bone. We were discussing a proposal for additional funding for the program, and this woman (you won't believe this, but it's true) just sat there waiting to say "that's ridiculous", "do we really want to do that?", "where is the sense in that?", "that might have work if we were in a third world country" etc. to every single idea I suggested.

I came so close to losing it and giving her the fight she was itching for but then I remembered the saying "give a suicidal person enough rope and they'll hang themselves".  So every time, her claws came out, I ignored her as if I didn't hear it or smiled and just continued with what I was saying.  The more I ignored what she threw at me, the more desperate she seemed to get.  For some reason (and God knows, I am not proud of this), something came over me and I intentionally repeated something someone else had proposed back in April before my thorn in the flesh joined the program.  And on cue the thorn in my flesh jumped at it mid-air with "that's the dumbest idea I have ever heard!"

Hell's gates opened.  The woman who had previously proposed the idea, apparently didn't have my temperament and emotional landscape, and those two went for the jugular. It was not long before others joined in and the pain in my you-know-where was in tears saying people had been against her since she joined the program.  Yes, no kidding, the woman had the nerve to cry victim.

Now, I am a good human being with a big loving heart who tries to live by the two most important commandments of all "Loving my God with every fiber of my being, with everything I own and with every breath I take, and loving my neighbour as if he or she were me", but that didn't stop me from briefly savouring that "wicked moment".  I let them go at it for a few minutes before I stepped in with "Enough, people!"

Does evil exist in the world?  YES. That woman was intentionally being evil and I think that she couldn't help herself. 

BUT what about me?

What about my devils that were dancing gleefully as I savoured that brief but sweet "taste of evil"?  Could evil just be part of my human nature waiting for the right moment and enough pressure?  Am I capable of more evil than I can even imagine? Am I thinking with my right mind when I am being intentionally evil? What if I am completely brain-washed by someone else and I commit a sin, am I fully responsible for that sin? Does God over look sins committed in ignorance? What about when a dog tears a child into pieces killing the child, does that dog go to hell?

When I have these debates that I have with myself, I ask myself: If Jesus defeated evil, how come evil put Him on the cross?  He IS the son of God with power to heal the sick, make the blind to see, calm the sea, change water to wine, walk on water, raise the dead (you name it, He did it), all He had to do was STRIKE one blow and the rest of the world would not have had to fight evil for the next two thousand years.  Then I go on counting all the evils in the world that could not have happened if Jesus had defeated evil, once and for all.

After I've exhausted one side of the debate, I move to the other side (this is the problem with one person debates).  May be Jesus' fight isn't so much about AGAINST and more about FOR. Why else would the devil go after Jesus even when Jesus was already on the cross? 

The scriptures say one of the men on the cross next to Jesus said "If you're the Son of God, come down from the cross.  Save yourself and save us." I've convinced myself beyond reasonable doubt that man was the devil himself at it again -- same exact words, the devil used to tempt Jesus three times before.

And what was Jesus' answer then?  Not "Devil I'll DEFEAT you!" but "Get behind me, Satan!".  My translation "Get the hell out of my way, I am A MAN WITH AND ON A MISSION!"

And what held Jesus on the Cross?

It certainly wasn't the determination to defeat evil in the world. This IS the Son of God, we're talking about. He has THE POWER TO DEFEAT EVIL ONCE AND FOR ALL! So why didn't He come down from the cross, and ha-ha-haaa the forces of evil?

What I think (me and my one person debates) held Jesus on the cross was LOVE. Yes, LOVE! That was His MISSION ON EARTH and He loved His father enough to fulfill His will, and He loved us enough to lay down His life for us.  He took His love all the way to the fullest extent possible. And when He had completed His mission, he didn't say, "I won!", He said.  "IT IS FINISHED!"

Why is this important and what has this got to do with defeating evil in the world?

1.  Anyone who says he or she can STRIKE the forces of evil a blow and defeat evil in the world is bluffing.

2.  The fight against the devil and evil has to begin from within.  We must reign in the devils running rampant within our own hearts before we even think of going after the devils in someone else's heart. Imagine what happens when the devils in our hearts form an alliance with the devils in someone else's heart. Evil power!

3.  We can't fight evil with evil (believe me, I tried, it felt good but only for a little while).  If it wasn't for His grace, I'd right now be feeling like crap.

4. The force that makes the world go round is not the fight AGAINST the forces of evil but the FIGHT FOR THE RULE OF LOVE. 

Can we fight for love, without first eradicating and wiping out the forces of evil from the face of the earth? WHY NOT? JESUS DID IT!!!  And He didn't do it by singing "Kumbaya", He spoke it, lived it, gave it, received it and died for it. 

So instead of waking up in the morning, dressing up and going out to look for evil to fight and defeat (what a way to live life!), we might want to try waking up, and before we get dressed up, ask yourself "who can I love today?  How can I be an instrument of love, this day?"

Update: Ms. You-Know-Who and I are trying to be friends. We had dinner last night and I told her I was going to write this article and she said "And who reads stuff like that?"

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.

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Comments on this article:

» left by Anonymous (80 days 22 hours ago.)

I think Christine that it is a gross exaggeration defining a woman who criticizes people as evil. I would define a murderer and paedophile as evil not an unhappy insecure whiny woman.

 

My experience of people like the woman you describe is that they are deeply unhappy and perhaps even depressed and that was the conclusion I drew before you mentioned she burst into tears and cried victim. When people are depressed, sad or insecure often the world becomes very dark and they do see the enemy everywhere. Some people are very jealous of other people's success and deeply resent it. They then 'act' out.

 

It can also be a form of projection. They project onto others what they feel about themselves.

 

When people take these pot shots at me, I generally see it for what it is. Insecurity and jealousy.

 

I think here, you let this woman get to you more than you realise else you would not define her as evil.

 

You are a spectacular woman and as such if you are exposed to a person with this level of insecurity you may find yourself a target.

 

I find the best way to deal with these type of people is to ask them for their ideas and suggestions. This tends to politely highlight the fact to them that they are complaining but not being at all productive it may also reveal surprising results in that in fact they perhaps do have ideas that may have been overlooked or gone unheard for risk of taking away someone elses lime light.

 

Just a thought.

 

Go on being you and don't worry about the small things.

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» left by Creative Blogger ^(6,688)
Creative Blogger (80 days 21 hours ago.)

oops, Hi Christine, last comment left by me, thought I was logged in!

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (80 days 18 hours ago.)

CB, Thanks.  I wrote the article NOT to emphasis EVIL OUTSIDE of us but evil WITHIN.  The greate rpart of our first comment is all about  the other woman's actions and behaviour which is exactly what I was trying to highlight in the article: We naturally think evil is outside and should fight and defeat it. You just proved me right!

 

It'd have been helpful if you commented on the DEVILS RAMPANT WILD WITHIN.  I wasn't insecure or unhappy or jealous but I intentionally went out of my way to HURT someone else.  To me that is EVIL!  I don't care for the excuses people give EVIL, when you are not acting out of LOVE,  you've broken the commandment to LOVE OTHERS AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. This is  the very commandment by which I live my life!  And I knowingly broke it!!! 

 

I din't want to repeat my mistake and before I posted the article, I gave her to read it first, if she'd said "that is hurtful", I would not have posted it, but she laughed and said, "if it helps others not act the way we acted, go ahead!".  That is love for your neighbour right there! By a woman who is supposed unhappy, insecure, jealous etc. Bottom line, the fight for love begins from within.

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» left by creativeblogger (80 days 18 hours ago.)

I don't believe in the devil and am not familiar with Bible Christine so I couldn't comment on the remainder of the article as I couldn't really relate to it. I just don't think this type behavior is manifested out of 'evil'. I think evil is too strong a word. If we start describing name callers as evil and murderers evil, where is the emphasis that one is significantly worse than the other?

Meanwhile you mention a commandment to love others as you love yourself. Does this mean those who hate themselves are free to hate others? When people behave with repeated spite towards others they generally do not love themselves.

I know a woman who at times suffers from anger and resentment towards others, often people she does not even know and she spits fire at news of success. I once challenged her about this behavior and now she recognizes this as a failing and is trying hard to overcome it. But at the end of the say it's not evil but sadness, depression, and self loathing (not self love) that brought her to that place.

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (80 days 17 hours ago.)

Let's keep the focus on the article, CB!!  You are bringing in here things that have nothing to do with the article.  If you want to talk about moods, mood disorders, emotions and human behaviour is my academic training, and I am happy to go there.  But not in this article.  And if you notice,  I do not write much about anger, sadness, depression, etc. because for me people who suffer from these fall under the category of people I care deeply about (the suffering I refer to in my article).  Sometimes, I can get "very personal" when their plight it taken very lightly.

 

If you want to discuss this article, may be you should try to answer these questions: Could evil just be part of my human nature waiting for the right moment and enough pressure?  Am I capable of more evil than I can even imagine? Am I thinking with my right mind when I am being intentionally evil? What if I am completely brain-washed by someone else and I commit a sin, am I fully responsible for that sin? 

 

As for "Does this mean those who hate themselves are free to hate others?", the Bible from which this commandment comes from -- and which you have said you are NOT familiar with says "we are created in the image of God".  The first part of the commandment says "LOVE GOD YOUR GOD".  So if you are created in the image of God, to love God you have to love yourself first!!!  Gosh!  what am I even doing here? This is a distraction!  I am not a preacher or bible teacher--  I am just a simple, humble and imperfect messenger of LOVE.  If you want to learn more about these two important commandments, please refer to the Bible or talk to a preacher or bible teacher.  They'll explain it better than I can ever be able to. 

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (80 days 16 hours ago.)

I also meant to add that in answering those questions, CB, use your own definition of evil.  How YOU (not what others think and do) would respond.  Since you don't believe in the devil, you might also (my assumption) have a problem with the word "sin", let's replace that with "cause harm to someone else".  I hope that helps expand the discussion beyond semantics and narrow definitions.

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» left by creativeblogger (80 days 13 hours ago.)

Christine, I can't answer your questions relating to evil as I really don't see these types of behavior as examples of evil. I really don't.  I myself do not consider myself or anyone I know or have known as capable of evil so can't relate at all to the context of that aspect of the article.

Sorry if I've missed the point of the piece.

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» left by creativeblogger (80 days 13 hours ago.)

Ok , I'll try.

We are all capable of being 'bad' to some degree. Some more than  others depending on genetics, heredity qualities and of course life experience and the hand they have been dealt.

When I am feeling 'devilish', I am generally tired, pmt'd or experiencing a stressful event. If someone wrongs me I may well feel instinctively a need to retaliate but I generally resist. I once tried to repay a wrong done to me and I felt horrendous afterwards. I guess these things sit easier with some than they do others.

Peoples sense of right and wrong is partly innate but largely cultural and it is thus flexible depending on the setting and whether they have orders to follow or permission. Consider soliders who torture others as part of the job. Consider the person responsible for turning the switch on deaths row. Is he a Christian I wonder?

Consider in fact any soldier, if they go to war they kill. This is wrong, it is 'evil' but we accept it. This 'evil' has been granted societies permission and religions too given the number of blood spilled in it's name.

The definition of right and wrong is thus flexible. We can justify wrong to ourselves.

You felt bad after being unkind, that was your conscience speaking. It is a good healthy one. ;)

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (80 days 10 hours ago.)

I agree with you that right and wrong is an artificial (culture, society, geography, ideology, religion, etc.) construct and that the goal posts of what is right and wrong, good and bad often shift.  But I was hoping for a discussion beyond "right and wrong" and the grey areas in between; a disccusion deeper than the artifical constructs that divide us -- and frankly beyond emotions and situational responses.  May be I just want to know if others think about these questions and what conclusions they come to.  I am hoping that other's answers will expand my own understanding and speed up my journey towards becoming a more enlightened and LOVING being.

 

I have a different take on the "conscience" argument, but that is a topic for another time...  :-))

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» left by Creative Blogger ^(6,688)
Creative Blogger (79 days 23 hours ago.)

I would like to help you out with that discussion but I think I am missing what it is you want form it. But I will offer a tad more...

I don't think God has anything to do with our measure of good and bad except that both are necessary for survival and so are part of our design.

If we were to strive to be or be pure in every sense of the word, we would not eat meat as we would not kill anything, we would not accumulate wealth while others starve and we would not judge others regardless of what they have done.

These to me are the definitions of how someone with a completely pure and loving heart behave.

There are many self sacrificing individuals who give up a lot helping others. They refuse wealth and live in poverty and they work long hours helping others.

But the vast majority of us do what we can in the measure that we consider is manageable without it being too detrimental to ourselves. So there is always a limit to how good and loving we want to be. We will always find ways to justify the limit we place on 'goodness'.

Perhaps the glee you took from seeing your colleague in tears is a tiny glimpse of what it is to take pleasure from the misery of others and this is the part you are disliking about yourself. But the fact you are questioning your response and digging deeper shows that it was your nature to respond that way. You responded out of character and as such it distresses you. Are you capable of much worse, I seriously doubt it.

Our conscious and how we feel afterwards is the greatest deterrent to doing wrong to others. The walls of guilt are more powerful than those of any prison!

Meanwhile..
In the USA murderers are executed. A killer is killed by a legal killer. Is the executioner evil? An executioner kills thousands where as the executed perhaps only one. But the executioner has permission, the executed did not. Do these deaths play on the executioners minds even though some of those executed turned out to be innocent. Does the fact he is doing a job absolve his conscience?

Should our conscience be dictated by laws?

What actually happens here is if we are exposed enough to misery,pain, suffering we become 'immune' we are not as affected as we may have been the first time around. If your colleague becomes accustomed to bursting to tears, eventually you will lose sympathy for her.

Meanwhile she's happy now as she's gaining the attention she has been fighting for all these weeks.


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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 20 hours ago.)

Now you are discussing me...  what I think and why I do what I do -  LOL!  Trust me, I am much more COMPLEX and enlightened than what you laid out here.  So is my colleague whom you think you know -- you don't.  Makes me wonder who we are talking about here?  Projection, perhaps??? 

 

I was hoping you'd write about YOU (devils running rampant WITHIN) and not the evil outside.  I going to let this one drop because we going NO WHERE fast..  Please let it go! Thank you for ALL of your comments...  :-))

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» left by creativeblogger (79 days 18 hours ago.)

Christine, I have spent a lot of time reading and replying to this post (where no one else has) and tried to be helpful and provide the answers you were seeking. You did request a response after all. But it seems you have taken offence where none was intended.

If I was projecting when I said you were a spectacular woman and that you were a good person with a conscience then I hope so! I would like to be these things.

Whether you are aware of it or not, you are now being rude to me, and given the context of this article which is to be more loving I am surprised you succomed so quickly.

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 18 hours ago.)

No offence taken.  None at all.  And I apologize.  I didn't mean to hurt your feelings and certainly didn't mean to spun your compliments towards me.  Since my actions caused you distress, I am sorry!  I said I am imperfect (even evil sometimes) but this wasn't intentional.  I don't get easily offended, and as a result (one of my greatest weaknesses) is that sometimes, I don't realize that I am pushing others too far.  Again, I apologize. 

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» left by Creative Blogger ^(6,688)
Creative Blogger (79 days 17 hours ago.)

I was not offended Christine I was surprised. Words can be misinterpreted easily on these things hence I try to remove any emotion in replies. I may thus sound wooden but it is an attempt to avoid misinterpretation which is not always successful ;)

I did reflect on myself in my replies but I said so much it perhaps got lost, this is one aspect of what I said in relation to myself:

"When I am feeling 'devilish', I am generally tired, pmt'd or experiencing a stressful event. If someone wrongs me I may well feel instinctively a need to retaliate but I generally resist. I once tried to repay a wrong done to me and I felt horrendous afterwards. I guess these things sit easier with some than they do others."

I was trying to think of how to answer your question about being responsible for a crime (sin) that someone else influenced you to commit. This is one of the biggest ethical questions in philosophy. Thus cannot easily be answered but here is a small offering of how I think about it.

If  we approach the question from a scientific point of view going into how chemicals, subliminal messages, hypnosis, and all those other things work to influence our behavior as well as past experiences then before we know it no one is responsible for anything as we are just responding to all this input.

Then we have people with mental health problems, people under the influence of drugs, people who have had head injuries doing things and behaving in ways that are perceived as 'bad'. Should they be punished? What if every serial killer had a brain scan and they found they were 'damaged/deformed' in some way? Are they still guilty or innocent?

They will be able to do genetic tests in the future to determine the likelihood of someone committing crime. If a person is born to be bad are they responsible?

These are huge ethical questions and I wonder how society will function if we go down this road. One of the problems I have Christine is seeing anyone as 'bad' because when I get to know 'bad' people I find they are in fact good but factors beyond their control influenced their behavior thus in some cases with very bad crimes, I prefer not to know the details as I do not want to forgive some types of crimes but I feel it is within me to forgive them all.

I hope this now better answers the question. Phew, off for a cuppa!

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 17 hours ago.)

Thank you for your insights, CB.  My intention is not to comment or argue on what others think or believe but try to find in their thinking and beliefs some new insights that can expand my own thinking and make my one person debates more interesting... :-)  This is helpful.  Thanks.

 

But that one you threw at me (I have spent a lot of time reading and replying to this post where no one else has) Ooouch!  I hope you feel horrendous now.  I want you to... LOL

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» left by Creative Blogger ^(6,688)
Creative Blogger (79 days 23 hours ago.)

eeek I meant to say:

 

But the fact you are questioning your response and digging deeper shows that it was NOT your nature to respond that way. "

 

I missed out 'NOT'

 

very important difference!! sorry

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 19 hours ago.)

I was hoping for some SELF-reflection. YOU  talking about YOU and how YOU process those questions and what conclusions you arrive at.  But I understand that “you do not consider you or anyone you know or have known as capable of evil so can't relate at all to the context of that aspect of the article” (your words).

 

May be it's because I live in a different level of existence, a different level of (dual)reality  - one in which evil and good co-exist; one in which these two are constantly figting for the upper hand and I am consciously aware that that battle outside of me is also inside of me.  May be this is why I have this different level of mental activity.  May be I am just “weird”… LOL!. 

 

ALL your comments helped confirm to me that not everybody thinks about these things.  So that has been very helpful.  Many THANKS.
 

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» left by Michelle Mackin ^(4,304)
Michelle Mackin (79 days 19 hours ago.)

Hi Christine,

 

Interesting article. I have found that I am responsible for my behavior and no one else's. I too am able to fend for myself, but when enough is enough, I try to respond and not recact. Good article and don't over react to this woman's misery. God bless.

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 19 hours ago.)

I hear you, Michelle.  I DO!.  And I agree with you that I am fully responsible for my own behaviour and no one makes me DO WHAT I DON'T WANT TO DO ALREADY.  I have power over how I choose to respond -- all the time.  And since I am not perfect, neither are my choices, unfortunately.  Does it bother me that I am imperfect? Nope. What often bothers me is when I knowingly and intentionally chose the choice that I know hurts others (allow evil overcome love).  But there is a choice there too.  Mine is to go with humility under the Cross! That's why I love life!

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 18 hours ago.)

Got excited there for a moment that I forgot to say THANKS..  :-) God Bless, you too!

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» left by Michelle Mackin (79 days 17 hours ago.)

Wow Christine! I do believe we all have our moments like that. If not, then someone is in denial. And yes, the cross is my redemption also. : - )

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 16 hours ago.)

Bull's eye. Truth that!   I am sure I've met you under the cross...  I spend a lot of time there :-)

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» left by Anonymous (79 days 15 hours ago.)

Interesting article and very intriguing . Actually i came across this website and a section of these articles for the first time today ... and just realised that i have been reading here for the last 3 hours !! phew ... and its 3.50 AM in Asia where i live...

 

The discussion between the author and creative blogger was interesting but i think that CB pulled it a bit too long unnecessarily... ( sorry ... i am not being judgemental but i think so much was not really required )... lets just enjoy these thought provoking articles and enlighten our lives with introspection and looking deep within ourselves... life is too short to try to change others.... we hardly know well about ourownselves ...my congrats and best wishes to Christine, CB and Michelle... God Bless.

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» left by Creative Blogger ^(6,688)
Creative Blogger (79 days 13 hours ago.)

I wasn't trying to be long winded I was trying to provide the views Christine was asking me for, I kept failing so I kept trying :) Meanwhile commenting anonymously on how others comment is not very friendly but is a good example of what we are all trying to overcome. Thank you.
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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 12 hours ago.)

CB, I actually appreciate your contribution. It's my fault in part that this discussion went the direction it went. 

 

As for the anonymously comment -- he or she (I am not sure) said it's his or her first time on Searchwarp, may be or she is still trying to learn how it's done.  I messed up when I made my first comment and didn't even give the person any ranking though I wanted to give 5 out of 5.  Of course, it'd have been nice to know who made the comment and may be I can comment on his or her article in the future.  This person certainly didn't seem like someone with malicious or of ill-intentions.

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (79 days 13 hours ago.)

Hmm.  3.50 AM, let me see, sleepless in Asia?  I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.  Today is a lazy day for me and I've been here unusually longer....  but I have an excuse, it's still day light here and tomorrow I will stay away -- this site can be addictive...  he-he!

 

I am thankful that Michelle came in and after reading her comment, I re-read my own responses and thought "what the...!  I should have dropped this a long time ago but I also did the dog with a bone thing".... LOL!

 

Sleep tight, don't do what I wouldn't do  - and if you do, at least be careful... life is too short:-)).

 

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» left by Daughter Nature ^(1,550) (78 days 13 hours ago.)

Hi Christine,

 

It is very comforting to know that the Most High created Good and Evil and that nothing happens without His permission.

 

All happens for His glory, whether we see it or not, whether we understand it or not.

 

1 Samuel 16:23

 

And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him.

 

Thank you for uplifting Christ who has overcome the world!

 

DaughterNature

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» left by Christine Akiteng ^(73,596)
Christine Akiteng (78 days 12 hours ago.)

DaughterNature, thank you for your comment.  I'll keep that in mind -- always.  Many Blessings your way.

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