"The best rose bush, after all, is
not that which has the fewest thorns, but that
which bears the finest roses." Henry Van Dyke
Most of my early life, well into my twenties and even into
my early thirties, was full of loss, despair, loneliness, angst, depression,
more often feeling ostracized and alone than connected to anything or to the
greater good.
But why do I bring this up? What is the point? There are
two.
One, to show that through awareness, hindsight is more
useful as foresight and can and should be used as such through education. And two, that if we are
fearfless in our self-examination it is not only beneficial to us but, more
importantly, to the hundreds, thousands, millions of others we can affect
through our discovery.
But before I get into these two points, I'll give you a
brief synopsis of how my life transpired in these early years.
I grew up shy and introverted in the extreme. There were few
people I spoke to other than family and friends well into my twenties. I often
felt awkward, outcast, and unwanted to the point that I would break out in
nervous hives when around strangers or in unfamiliar places and company.
But why? In retrospect, it was what was said to me over, and
over, and over again that drove the negative, the derogatory, the defamed into
my ears, mind, heart, and soul. It was from this depth of depression and
desperation that I began life and from it moved forward. But only with great,
great, great effort.
A point here is that we need to be very careful with our
words, especially those things we say to our loved ones.
"Think well before you speak
because your words may plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of
some other person." Napoleon Hill
In high school, I spoke little. It was only my athletic
prowess that afforded me some peace of mind. Nevertheless, I was so shy that
when family friends or relatives came over I would greet them quickly and
return to my room for the majority of their visits. I was so shy, withdrawn and
troubled that when I had a girlfriend at the age of 19, I tried to introduce
her to my aunt but forgot my aunt's name. My mind being so jumbled by the
negative and demeaning thoughts that resided there, I often could not think
straight in front of others. What's to say when one questions the worth of
their very existence?
After high school, I went off to college but flunked out
within a year. For a year after, I lived with a few high school buddies
drinking and doing their drugs of choice. I seldom bought drugs. I often did
little to initiate anything. Allowing life to act upon one without question is
standard MO for the distraught and lifeless. Often, I would go into such deep
depression I'd write suicide notes, dangle my feet off the tops of tall
buildings and parking garages contemplating a jump.
I moved from job to job, working in factories, banks, and
hospitals in low-end positions. At times I took work third shift on
weekends as a security guard, or during the week as a computer operator with
others and eventually by myself-working one job alone four
p.m. to two a.m. during the week and 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. Saturday and Sunday. Alone. Alone. Alone. Why? Well, when one's life is of little worth,
what's to share?
Let it be known that I don't say these things for sympathy.
I'd much rather forget this part of my life because of the one-eighty I've
turned in attitude and disposition since then. And as I recount these terrible moments,
some of the depression and misery surfaces again. I only do so for the benefit
of others. Others who suffer must know that it is not they who are at fault,
that they are not bad people, they are innately good people temporarily
being brought down by bad experiences, lack of understanding, and poor
thinking. But there is a way out.
It was around this time that I had an awakening. What caused
it? I don't know. But I have my guesses.
"Amidst all the mysteries by which
we are surrounded, nothing is more certain than that we are in the presence of
an Infinite and Eternal Energy from which all things proceed." Herbert Spencer
I had decided to go back to my writing, something I hadn't
done in years. I wrote a book. I wrote poems and copious notes. I moved to
Boston to write humor for myself and eventually for others. My move to Boston
being an essential time in my recovery.
Consider that here was a young man who barely spoke to
anyone who was going to stand in front of absolute strangers, often hostile and
drunk, ready to boo you down and off the stage at the drop of a poor joke or
two. Standup is not for the squeamish. But how did this squeamish person get
the gumption to do it? I Don't know. But I have my guesses.
"Courage is the standing army of
the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, and slavery." Henry Van Dyke
I performed for four years. Going from miserable to good to
getting work and pay. But there were great trials along the way. Before moving
to Boston, I remember being so depressed that I had insomnia for days at a
time. I got so ill from lack of sleep that I had constant migraines. I went to
doctor after doctor to see what I was dying from but to no avail. I was
physically OK but my life was in shambles.
I moved to Boston alone, without friends or family, working
as a computer programmer during the day and standup comic at night. If you think
comedy is fun, think again. It was a living hell, especially for someone who
didn't like people.
So the misery continued. The loneliness continued. The
isolation continued. But I was determined to make a change. To get up and to
move on.
I eventually moved to Los Angeles and began doing comedy
there. However, I received the insight that I should do something else. That
there was something else I needed to do at this point to continue my education.
And this type of education is of markedly greater value than any found in any
university or college.
"The word educate has its roots in
the Latin word "educo," which means to educe, to draw out, to develop from
within. The best educated man is the one whose mind has been the most highly
developed." Hill
After a short stint at local LA comedy clubs, I received the
impression that I need go back to college, obtain my BA and MA, teach at the
college level-gaining knowledge, experience, and wisdom-eventually work as a
private entity writing and aiding others in overcoming their selves. For this
is the greatest challenge for any who desire to succeed at any level. There is
no one who does not need self-improvement. Show me a man or woman who does not
and they will show you how to walk on water.
In summary, I've
spent the greater portion of my life alone and hopeless. But at the point I
discovered that there was something I needed to do to overcome, I made the
necessary moves, continuing to do so to this day. But how am I now?
Well, I write, speak, teach, encourage with great confidence
and ability. I am now more comfortable in front of hundreds of people than I am
on my couch alone watching television. After all, who wants to be alone?
I have a wife and three lovely children. A life that is full
and getting fuller and fuller by the day. I see only hope and prosperity beyond
measure in my life, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.
How did this all come about? How was this one-hundred-eighty
degree turn made? Accountability, work, sacrifice, courage, and honor to the
belief that I must not only better myself but do so to, more importantly,
better the lives of millions.
"If you hesitate or turn backward
while under fire, you're not a fighter --- you're a quitter; and the devil
himself hates the person with a rubber backbone. He smells bad burning." Hill
I no longer think in restrictive terms. I never see scarcity
only abundance. Even when times get difficult and I temporarily visit
depression, I laugh in its face, brush it and its cousin pity aside and look
above the horizon, beyond the dregs of fear hanging in the nether
regions of the filth of doubt and look to the sparkling brilliance of the stars above.
May God bless you with insight and wisdom through your
trials. Trials that are not defeats or failure but great learning
opportunities. It is odd and sad that the strife we desire to avoid at all
costs is that which can teach us the best lessons. But there is great purpose
in all that you encounter, even the bad.
"A careful inventory of all your
past experiences may disclose the startling fact that everything has happened
for the best." Hill
"I am thankful for the adversities,
which have crossed my pathway, for they have taught me tolerance, sympathy,
self-control, perseverance and some other virtues I might never have known." –
Norman Vincent Peale
I now know my purpose. Unfortunately, I had to learn the
long, hard way through great trial, but all is for a purpose. My life's sacrificed
is only to the betterment of others. And without looking to aid the other, for
what is life?
"Every failure will teach you a
lesson that you need to learn if you will keep your eyes and ears open and be
willing to be taught. Every adversity is usually a blessing in disguise.
Without reverses and temporary defeat, you would never know the sort of metal
of which you are made." Hill
"If you have tried and met with
defeat; if you have planned and watched your plans as they were crushed before
your eyes; just remember that the greatest men in all history were the products
of courage, and courage, you know, is born in the cradle of adversity." Hill
"You have failed many times! How
fortunate! You ought to know by now some of the things NOT to do." Hill
My realization is that we are in control. We allow defeat.
We allow unhappiness. We allow sadness. We allow to work unfulfilled. We allow
bad relationships. We allow anger to rise and dominate. We allow vengeance. We
allow the rancor of the soul only which we can control. Only which we can
control.
"Our doubts are traitors and make us
lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt." Hill
"Ultimately, nothing matters very
much. The defeat that seems to break your heart today will be but a ripple
among the waves of other experiences in the ocean of your life further ahead."
Hill
"There are no lazy men. What may
appear to be a lazy man is only an unfortunate person who has not found the
work for which he is best suited." Hill
"Strive not to banish pain and
doubt, in pleasure's noisy din; The peace thou sleekest from without, Is only
found within." Cary
But we need to strive. The universe does not reward the mediocre
in heart.
"There is no defeat except from
within. There is really no insurmountable barrier save your own inherent
weakness of purpose." Emerson
But how do we overcome? Where do we begin?
"First acquire patience and
perseverance, then make up your mind what else you want, and you will be almost
sure to get it." Hill
Seek first the betterment of others. Forget the self by
overcoming all selfish desire. Work on it purposefully, fully engaged and your
dents will be rewarded with push from powers on high above and beyond anything
you can accomplish alone.
"Congratulate yourself when you reach that degree of wisdom which
prompts you to see less of the weaknesses of others and more of your own, for
you will then be walking in the company of the really great." Hill
"To give pleasure to a single heart
by a single kind act is better than a thousand head-bowings in prayer." Saadi
According to Mother Teresa, our purpose? To love and be
loved. To do one is to receive the other. Give and Grow Yourself Rich, again,
and again, and again.
God bless.
