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There are points in the life of a family when we stand at a crossroads, not knowing what the future holds and clinging onto the past. When your children are on the verge of leaving home and your husband is off to teach abroad, it is the time when you hold onto all the special family traditions that have meant so much over the years. Trying to make the most of doing things you have always done together, while there is still a chance, and feeling sad before the family has even gone their own way.
This is the crossroads that I am experiencing at this moment and it is one of the hardest. The separation of the whole family unit. The one thing that has made life so meaningful and complete
is on the verge of fragmentation. Is this to be seen as a new challenge in the life of our family? If so, I don't like it one bit. And though it can be seen very much as a family challenge, it is also one that leaves me completely at sea.
My husband on the other hand sees it all in a very different light. Hates his job, needs a new career, can't wait to get the kids out of the house and independent. But at the end of the day, I know that he is thinking of the future progression of the family and is ready for a new route.
I am faced with the choice of going with him and leaving the kids to their own lives in England or staying and being there for emergencies, should they occur. With the 16, going on 17 years old I want to be around in England.
So, here we stand at a moment in time where all the things like playing music together and all the day to day routines are coming to an end.
Where does it all go from here? Can anyone who reads this enlighten me as to the next steps in the life of a family? How did you handle this crossroads in your family life?
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i know it hurts, and it's frustrating. this past 18 months has been worse than Hell, I hear in Hell they stop beating you up after a while. 2 of my children left unexpectedly within a month, and i am still harboring some shock over that.
and my divorce is sept. 8-12th. what i did was take care of myself. the more i did, the more i was there for my family. and i accepted friend's kindness, and family's kindness, and i learned a whole new appreciation for nature and beauty. i also found my new hobby in searchwarp, and i keep in touch with family and friends through e mail. you shall get through this, and cry when you need to, it's good to get it out although we try our hardest to keep it in. we as mothers may know our little ones are going to grow up and move away, but it's a whole other feeling when it actually happens.
Susan, Thank you so much for your supportive and kind words, really appreciated right now. It is comforting to feel that there are such kind people like yourself to share life's experiences with.
I was reflecting on oh, how it hurts when our children move out and family moves away. I cried, kicked like a child and had a really hard time letting go and leaving them in God's hands. Once I was finally able to enjoy my own company, I found that keeping myself in service to others, in a positive way helped. First of course for me was prayer. I didn't like what I was going through and I surely told God about it. I am sure he had a good laugh!!!
Once I was used to the new routine the twins both moved back in for a few months and then went out on their own to try again. This time was a success for them. I am now a grandma and see my children and grandchildren often.
My mom had moved to Oregon and that was rough. Phone calls and visits have kept us close. Now she is moving closer to us children as she is sick. Now this is a new place for me and I am not sure how to deal with the inevitable....
My family has moved to another stage and let me try to encourage you, that it will pass and soon you will be on a whole new plane.
God bless you and thank you for writing this. Congrats on the first page and it is nice to see you here.
Michelle, You encouraging words have raised my spirit and the recollection of your own experiences have help me to look to the future with greater hope and confident.
An article with true feeling, Elfreda. So many of us go through a tough decision or family crisis in our lives at one time or another. The one thing we can be sure of--no one can make the decision for us. And when you have to weigh 'husband/wife vs children', that would have to be one of the toughest.
I wish I could give you some miracle-unrequitted-Einstien equivalent advice, but I can't. I will pray for you and your family; that God will reach inside you and help you make the decision that is best for your entire family. Only you and He know the true circumstances and ultimate concequences of your choice. May God be with you and yours.
Thank you Sandra, I truly believe in the power that comes from praying and I am really touched that you are doing this for my family, I really think we could could do with some of God's guidance at this moment in time.
Hi Elfreda, thank you for sharing your heart. It is a tough time for sure. But the beauty that lies ahead for you and your husband is amazing. Follow him and you will have new opportunities to grow as a couple. My kids are 20 and son to be 18, I know how you feel. But the excitement I carry for what lies ahead for my children--marriage and family, give me great hope for new memories. Also, I look forward to "dating" my husband again and appreciating who he has become over the last 24 years.
I will be praying for you! Just look at is as a new gift from God and opportunity for new adventures. God bless you!
Teresa, your advice and kindness has really touched me and filled me with a new sense of purpose.
Thank you for helping me to see things from a more positive and constructive viewpoint. I'll hold on to your words of advice and they will help me to decide the next step forward.
Dear Elfreda, I don't know if this will help, but here it is in case: I understand your feelings! When the news came that my husband had gotten a job he wanted overseas, due to urgent reasons, I knew it would mean a minimum of five years away from home. My mother was ill with Parkinson's Disease. We had a baby grandson, our first grandchild. Our other daughter "needed" us, I felt. I called my older brother and he heard me crying as I told him the news. I will never forget what he said: "Go with your husband. God will take care of the rest." It would take a book to tell all the good that came from taking his advice. Although I knew I would go with my husband, and wanted to do so, when the news had come, I had panicked. What were we doing???!!! I do not know if you are a Christian or believe in God, but I can tell you that I had many hard nights after that, worrying especially about my mom, for I am the only daughter. It took a long time to settle myself down, but finally I did. I put her in God's hands. It was hard for us both. I made a list of all my hopes for her and my other brother, who lived with her. It was a long list, but God, at just the right time over the next ten years that we were away, answered every request beautifully and in unexpected ways beyond what I could have designed. My daughters missed us terribly, as we did them--and missed our new grandchild. But they visited us and saw more than they could have on a tour and they learned more at home for themselves than I even know how to express. Yes, it changes you, yet also can bring very good change and open your eyes to new experiences, friends, places, and memories you can share a lifetime. To be without one's husband, which I knew during a marriage estrangement headed for divorce, many years ago for 27 months, is a death. I don't know if this can help you at all, for we must all decide for ourselves, for only we know the ins and outs of our own lives. I will keep you in prayers for your peace about all of this. Sorry to go on so long. Blessings, Jane
Just when I thought that I had a big decision to make. Your dilemma seems to have been an even more difficult decision to make than mine. It certainly makes me think about the durability of a relationship in sustained absence. The other aspect I had neglected to mention was that since having my second child 16 year ago, I have developed a fear of flying. So this adds yet another dimension. This has not stopped the family from having holidays as my husband and the children have traveled to Greece, Rome and Egypt this year while I have been working and looking after things at home. I am a little sad that I have not gone with them but have seen it as a bonding experience for the kids with their father. I have a very strong bond with the children and this is strengthened by the fact we play a lot of music together, an area that their father is unable to participate in. So, in a way it all balances out.
What can I do about my fear of flying? I want to go up a volcano with my sister-in-law who is a volcanologist and has invited me to join her on a 2 week trip to Costa Rica (Mount Etna) and it's the flight that is holding me back. In the case of the children and Cairo though, it is not wanting to be away from them and the flight!
Thank you for your really welcomed response Jane. If you can think of ways to get me on a plane, that should ease the situation somewhat too!
Hi, Elfreda, good for you for being willing to keep grappling, if only
mentally at this point, with the fear-of-flying dilemma! A very dear
friend of mine developed that fear and did not fly for over a decade.
Finally, I think she talked with her doctor, who gave her a
prescription for a calming medication and it worked. She flew with
others to see me and my husband when we lived in Europe. It was one of
her first series of trips in the air. The first happened because she
wanted so much to go somewhere with her husband that was important to
him as well as her, and it involved crossing an ocean. I don't recall
if she also took fear-of-flying lessons, which do exist. I've found the
only way to deal with fear is to face it, yet I will not hang glide! I
know how you feel to that extent. Keep looking for help even if you
have to go to a professional - doctor or fear-of-flying specialist - is
all I know to advise. I hope someone else out there has some good
advice. Hoping to hear you conquer this. You are blessed to have a
family who want to share so much with you. Blessings~Jane Respond to this comment
You have been a tremendous support to me and I will work on being proactive and seeking a way to overcome my flying anxiety. It has stopped me from doing alot of things that I would have found rewarding in the past. I must think about the times I flew to America, Norway and Bahrain and how I enjoyed the flying experience then back in the 80's.
Many thanks Jane, I look forward to reading your articles.
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