I have a friend who's been dealing with some financial 'challenges' of late. He's a proud man, proud to a fault, it if you know what I mean, and he's always side-stepping when I offer assistance. I do this offering in a very delicate way as I, too, was once too proud for my own good. Something I learned from my dad and something I've worked on for years. Proud to a fault. That's what my mom used to say about my dad. So proud, in fact, that he often refused payment for work he did for many, many people, most of whom had tons of money and would have been more than happy to pay him for his time, talent and work. This resulted in my dad always being without the money he so truly deserved (and needed). It also resulted in his becoming one of the most bitter men I've ever known. It was a hard thing to witness and an even harder lesson to learn from. But learn I did, and since that time I've come to accept the fact that we all need help sometimes and there's nothing wrong with asking for it and, as importantly, accepting it when offered.
But, back to my friend. So, he's been having some challenges and because we share a house together, I'm not only aware of what's going on, but I'm also directly affected by some of these issues. For example: the power bill. Now, I know why he's been having trouble paying some of these bills and it's not because he isn't working. The reasons are unimportant, however, so I'll spare the details. Bottom line is, the doorbell rang today and there stood the man from the power company, apparently to have a word with my friend about his delinquent account. This isn't the first time it's happened, so I quietly returned to my wing of the house to think about how I might approach my friend, offer some help, and not wound his pride.
Now, I'm not in the most terrific financial position at this moment either. Things have been a bit precarious for over a year, due to some very scary medical issues and my current inability to take a job. But I do get some money each month and I am very attentive as to how I spend it. The other part of that equation is that I have, at long last, come to trust, fully and wholeheartedly, that I will ALWAYS have what I need when I need it. It's a sure thing. How am I so sure? Because it has always proven to be true, my entire life, without fail. Even when it seemed I was on the brink of homelessness, somehow the money I needed would always show up. Sometimes it'd show up in the weirdest ways too. Like one time when I really truly thought I was going to have to go knock on doors to find a place to sleep and the very next day I got a check in the mail, quite unexpectedly, from a friend of mine who'd come into some big-time money. Out of the blue, he sent me this very large check with a note that read, "just because I can. just because I love you." I was blown away! Of course, I immediately picked up the phone to call and say how utterly grateful I was, how his timing couldn't have been more perfect and how immensely relieved I was to have it. I also felt that familiar tinge of embarrassment, which he heard right away. He kindly said, "you know, there've been lots of times when I needed help too. You've always been there for me and I've always promised myself that when the day came that I could, I would do something like this. So please don't feel ashamed. It's just your generosity comin' back to you!" There was nothing he could've said that would have been more perfect at that moment.
The other part of the equation is that often times we forget that the act of giving and having that gift well-received is a gift unto itself. In other words, when someone wishes to give and we accept, we are then allowing them the joy of giving. It took me years to get this. It wasn't until my 'sage' sat me down and shared a story with me about this very thing. She's good at the story thing. She uses stories to reach me when I'm at my most stubborn and let's me figure it out. Works magnificently too. She knows how proud I am (or, should I say, 'was') and is really good at offering stuff up so I'll hear it without getting all defensive. (Hence the title "sage") In any case, she told me this story and left it alone. About a week later, when I was hearing the echoes of that story in my head, it hit me. Of course it's a gift! I know that when I give something to someone, regardless of what it is or why I'm giving it, it always gives me great pleasure to have that gift well-received. Makes me feel good. Kind of goes without saying, right? So, there are several sides to this proverbial coin, and without the luxury of being able to go over it with my friend, I sat and wondered how I was going to offer my help without bruising his ego.
I sat here for a while, remembering the many lessons I've learned about this pride thing. I relived the hundreds (maybe even thousands!) of times I was offered help and refused it because I was too proud to take anything from anyone. I also remembered how miserable I was back then. Too proud to ask for help, too stubborn to take it. It was silly and counter-productive and, worst of all, it was an enormous road block to my growth. All those things I experienced at that time were for my higher good. I know that now. But back then, I was too 'unconscious' to know better. (I guess that's why it's called 'evolution', eh? )
After a few hours of careful consideration, I decided to go the ol' story route. Rather than going downstairs and saying, "you know, I'll be happy to lend a hand with that power bill", instead I sent him an email with a clever little anecdote. Something my sage had shared with me all those years ago. A story about a little boy who wanted to help his baby sister but didn't know exactly how he could do that. He decided on the only method he knew, which was to just ask. He went to the pharmacy with his piggy bank and asked the man how much a miracle cost. While he was explaining his dilemma to the man, another man came into the pharmacy and overheard the little boy telling his story. In short order, the 'other man' delivered the little boy's request. He was a very famous surgeon and offered to care for the boy's baby sister until she was well again. And all the little boy had to do was ask! Imagine that!
Shortly after I sent that email, my friend sent one back. In his usual smart aleck manner, he said that he'd let me know how much he needed as soon as he had it all figured out. "and, by the way, thanks for sparing my pride. You know how much I hate asking for help." I had to laugh out loud when I read that. BoyHowdy! Do I ever! Not because I know him all that well, but more because I've been there. I know how terrible it is to be in need and be too proud to do anything about it. And I know the damage it can cause. Pride is, in my humble opinion, grossly overrated.
So, the next time you find yourself in either postion (able to help or needing some) please remember this: giving is as much a gift to the giver as it is to the recipient. If you need help, let someone help you. If you can offer it, do it with humility rather than arrogance. It'll make all the difference in the world (to both of you!).
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