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I have found that over the past few years, I have come to realize
this more and more but it creeps into my mind every so often. Before
that, I constantly told myself that I was a mistake. That I should have
never been born.
This was stemmed from my realization at age 15 that I was born 7
months after my parents got married. It is possible for a child to be
born during that time, but not being 9 lbs, 7 oz. I was most definitely
not a premature baby.
When I came to that conclusion that I was conceived out of wedlock,
I figured that the only reason that my parents got married was because
I was on the way. At that time, I felt that my Mom did not want me. She
was sick with me 3 months before I was born and 3 months after I was
born. My dad took care of me by himself during that time. I attribute
the close bond that I have with my father to this very thing.
I had asked my parents whether or not I was a mistake. They told me
that I was certainly not expected but that they loved me nonetheless.
Then…how can I explain the loss of a wonderful relationship with my
mother as most mother-daughter relationships end up having? At that
time, I felt that my mother did not want me. I knew that when I was a
kid. She denies that and that is fine. I know that my mother loves me,
but at the time, this is how I felt. I could say more on that but I
won't out of respect for my mother.
All of this led to feeling rejected all of my life. I lived out of
rejection. I hated kids…even when I was a kid because of the rejection.
This feeling of being a mistake is a normal feeling in today's
society. BUT…it is not true. Do you want to know why it is not true?
It is all because God made us. We were uniquely created by Him. We
are unlike anyone else in the world and we are loved beyond what we
could even imagine.
God has a purpose for each of our lives. He knew who you were going to be before you were even born…or even conceived.
Yes, I was an unplanned pregnancy to my earthly parents, but not to
God. God knew I was coming at this time, at this place, etc. He knew
what I would look like at this very moment.
Sometimes, I have such a hard time looking at myself because I don't
like the way I look. But…God made me exactly the way I am. I have to
get this into my head. Yes, we are to try and stay as healthy as
possible, and I know I have not done that very well, but I have come to
realize that it is in God's timing when this happens.
Many people diet and diet until they are blue in the face from
starving themselves to death and nothing gets accomplished. This is
basically not being content in who you are.
This is what I am currently going through right now, but if I stay
focused on God and hear His voice and do what His voice says, then I
will be exactly where He wants me to be.
The question is are we willing to listen to His voice? I am asking myself this question at the same time as I am writing it.
You are not a mistake! Everything that you have gone through in your
life was not just to punish you or exalt you, but to allow you to use
those things to help others.
God Bless! |
