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I sit in class, and stare out a window, forcing my self to sit still. I can not do so for long. I start to bounce, and a rubber band finds it way into my hand. I twine it around my fingers, cat's cradle, tower, whatever, as long as my hands stay busy. Eyes go to the board, and look away with shame. I can not read the scribble of letters on the board, they twist and dance out of my sight. If I could focus on the scribbles then I could see the words, but at last I can not focus. Finally, bouncing slightly in my seat and forcing my mind to think about class I read the board.
I'm falling behind again, I will be up all night trying to just get caught up. It's a cycle I struggle to beat. How to fight this battle to learn, when all I do is get caught up to fall again? If I could touch, hold, build, feel I would understand.But words, god forbid I understand these words. My notes are so jumbled and hard to read that I don't even know what I wrote. My side comments, when my mind gets off track, are clear and witty, but they do not help me understand Psychology. Staring at numbers in my math class does nothing but scare me. I do not comphrend what all those squiggles and lines mean. But no one realizes how hard I struggle to keep up. I make the grade and my vocabulary is superior, so no one sees the problem.I wonder how many college students, or anyone really, are like me. Struggling to keep up, but appearing just fine. I tease my friends who can not read well, but I never say how hard it is for me to make out the words some days. People say you need meds kid, and I just laugh. Meds will do me no good. I must focus, must stay focus. Must attempt math homework. Must focus. But I can not. One day I will focus and understand all these words. But today I will just try to keep up. Because what more can be done? I am only eighteen after all. I am not a genius, but a smart girl with a slight learning problem. As long as I never have to read aloud or tell time, I will be just fine.
Why you ask? Because I can not read the face of a clock.The hands confuse me. I struggle to speak. My speech is worse than my reading, and as sometimes I must sound out a word to say it. Because even though I sometimes struggle to read, my reading is better than my speech. I can not talk with ease.But reading, it's easy when I can focus and when the words stop dancing. Maybe one day I will admit that I have a slight problem, but for now let's just pretend everything is fine.
Casey is an 18 year old college student, majoring in English and History. She plans to get her Ph.D one day. She writes articles based on personal experince, in the hope that someone will learn from he rmistakes.
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Article added to SearchWarp.com on Sunday, September 07, 2008 View other articles written by Casey Starkweather(236)
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