"We have not come into the world to be numbered; we have been created for a
purpose; for great things: to love and be loved ." ~~~ Mother Teresa
If you knew what I know
about the power of giving, you would not let a single meal pass without sharing
it in some way. ~~~ Buddha
Hatred does not cease in
this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. ~~~
Buddha
Through song and verse, tale and fable, the fantasy of romantic
love has remained a dominant image in the minds of many. There is a prevailing
belief that the universe was designed for us to find that "special someone,"
that there is one boy for every girl and one girl for every boy. And based on
this misconception many seek their Shangri-La. But like many myths, idealized or
glamorous stories of false beliefs, the myth of romantic love sets many up for
failure, but not just single failure, multiple failures perpetuated by this
unrelenting myth.
Romantic love is often based merely on the physical.
And this type of love is not entirely without merit. It may lead to
longer-lasting love or committed love, but if the couple involved realizes that
love is an effort and must be worked at and worked through comes too late, then
divorce is inevitable.
The reason why love or even romantic love is so
powerful is because of the disconnected / connected state it puts us in. When in
"romantic love," one may feel that hours pass like minutes and he or she is
connected to a loved one while at the same time is taken outside of merely
experiencing self, as well as away from current troubles. The upside is that if
one continues to follow this path through mature means, greater joy and ecstasy
may be found through connecting to even more "others" outside the self:
daughter, son, closer connection to family members with the same, as well as,
eventually-if the path continues-finding a greater connection to community,
country, world and even beyond. But keep in mind that this looking to the other
takes time to develop.
The Hindu speaks of this growth through the
concept of selfishness, selfishness being like toys along the path of life. The
Hindu believes that selfishness has its purpose. It is not all bad. It can be
used as a learning tool. Through the juxtaposition of selfishness with
selflessness one may discover great truths: compassion, patience, understanding,
perspective, and so on. Yet if one hangs onto selfishness-often arising from not
wanting to deal with the difficulties of life-beyond its years of instruction,
decline will set in. For sad is a child without toys. Sadder still is an adult
fixated at the same level.
The Hindu believes that if one continues to
grow, to experience "otherness," then one may find true joy and ecstasy, that
which can only be experienced through a more complete overcoming of the self. A
child begins on this path, thinking only of its wants. Yet he continues and
discovers through discipline, delayed gratification and other techniques, that
selflessness is paramount, that if one continues to grow he sees others:
brothers and sisters, peers, community, country, countries, world, and beyond.
And when the healthy learner obtains this state, ultimate disconnection with the
self-or like the Bodhisattva, the totally enlightened one who thinks only of
others-then true joy and ecstasy are found.
This joy and ecstasy coming
from a continual extending of ourselves or a greater and greater bringing of the
"other" into ourselves, a continual growing through giving. And as we grow,
seeking outward, outward, giving into and to the universal, we grow. We expand
exponentially. Our joy and ecstasy found.
Those who create, in many
ways, speak of this joy. It is the artist who discovers her voice over and over,
refining and defining her vision, who through her creation finds greater and
greater meaning and joy. Seeing more, and more, and more as the years pass.
Being at greater and greater ease with herself and all that surrounds her as
understanding gathers, understanding that is passed on to more and more "others"
through the insight that has gathered on display in her art.
It is found
in the architect who continues to grow in his understanding of the use of shape
and form in ergonomically designed structures, an esthetic pleasure that builds
with experience.
It's the writer who affects, moves, inspires, and
motivates more and more people as she gains greater control of her thought,
techniques, and ideas.
As one gains in his or her reaching out, one
finds the great joy and ecstasy spoken of throughout the ages.
But it is
focus on the self in excess that causes our world's greatest problems.
This belief that one has the right to a "special someone," and, more
importantly, that this romantic love, this outward love coming back, is
indicative of "true love," is dangerous. It is limiting and sets limiting
beliefs about love, for "lasting love" is separate from mere hormonal, physical
love. Love that is centrally focused on the "other" and what can be done to
serve his or her needs lasts more than a few moments of physical ecstasy. It
lasts a lifetime. It lasts beyond the grave.
A well-known spiritual
giant once said that if people desired to merely meet the needs of the other
than more if not all marriages would succeed. It is "mythical love" that sets us
up for a fall, for the belief is that love is an escaping through the other to a
fantasy world in which time slows if not stops. But after the children come, a
realization must occur, that a focusing away from the self, a giving of the
self, a sacrificing of the self is the most essential if not sole element of
success to any lasting relationship and family. If this is new or unknown to the
couple, failure is bound to occur. Failure is almost certain if previous role
models are those who have not learned to sacrifice and delay gratification for
the betterment of all involved: the family.
Unfortunately, few learn of
this sacrifice. For there are few love songs that speak to the realities of the
years, and years, and years beyond the hormonally over-stimulated beginnings of
love (that which may just be put there by nature to get us together in the first
place) to the sacrifice, the almost total giving of oneself, time, and resources
needed to raise children properly so that they are loved enough to enable a
sense of self that will allow them to see discipline, sacrifice, and giving as
essential characteristics that must be perpetuated for family, country, society
at large.
We must not think that "avoidance" in any form is healthy. Not
only is avoidance in regards to the truth about love important, but it is also
important to pass on proper and complete knowledge and understanding to our
children. If they feed into myths or mistruths, then we are setting them up for
a fall. We must be aware in our own lives of the importance of truth and the
full, honest, real picture of what it is we are teaching our children and what
tools we are sending them off with in dealing with this great challenge called
life. It's difficult enough dealing with it fully informed, never mind trying to
deal with it with half-truths or mistruths.
For by avoiding problems we
stay within. We were meant to open as the flower, blossoming through giving.
First to ourselves, and then to others. Health deals with a getting outside of
ourselves. Neurosis is a turning inward, an avoidance of reality through
addiction, fantasy, or excessive distraction that is focused only and solely on
the one. There is no success here.
